Happy Halloween!!

Time Warp!!

Werewolves of London - Warren Zevon


Hell - Squirrel Nut Zippers

Monster Mash - Boris Picket and the Cryptkickers



Thriller - with Legos!

You Are a Zombie

You're a pretty apathetic person, and you often feel like you're sleep walking through life. You don't necessarily have a case of the "blues", but you do have a case of the "blahs." It's hard for you to snap out of your boring every day routine. You're a bit burned out. The only thing you crave is the company of others. But you're not too nice to the people who do hang around you. Your greatest power: Your lack of a normal conscience Your greatest weakness: Your lack of most emotions You play well with: Aliens

What Kind of Monster Are You?

Your Monster Profile

Basilisk Midget (who you callin' a midget? I'm am 5'2" damnit!) You Feast On: Peanut Butter (ok, got me there) You Lurk Around In: The Hearts of Men (gee, I thought it was a bit lower) You Especially Like to Torment: Emo Kids

What's Your Monster Name?

TMI Tuesday

It's TMI Tuesday! Click the "I kiss and tell" icon to come play with us!!


1. If they kept stats of your sex life like they do in sports, what would you lead the league in? what all time record would you hold?

I would probably lead the league in striking out at getting marital nookie. Or would that put me at the bottom, statistically? How about most blocked shots? (i.e., my shot blocked by my "opponent")

2. What song gets you in the mood to have sex? best music to fuck to? best music to make love to?

People get me in the mood to have sex, not music. But anything with a prominent jazzy saxophone certainly helps things along.

Best fuck music? Hard rock/metal - heavy beat, frantic guitars, etc. probably fits this for me, but I don't actually listen to this during sex terribly often.

Best music to make love to? Baroque pieces, jazz (with that saxophone I love so much). Instrumentals definitely, no words. I want to focus on my lover, not lyrics.

3. Where is your favorite place to have sex in your house/apartment?

The bed. Boring, I know. It might be the shower, if height difference wasn't such an issue (Spousehole is a foot taller than me). We have hardwood floors, so floor isn't terribly comfortable. The living room couch isn't bad though. And on an air mattress in front of the fireplace is pretty nice sometimes (but not terribly practical with kids).

4. (girls) Have you sent or given your used panties to a guy? Do you know what happened to them? (guys) Have you taken/asked for a girls panties before? What did you do with them? (non-breeders) What is the protocol for this "tradition"?

I haven't given them away so much as they were kept by a couple guys. One I know used to masturbate with them, the others I have no idea.

I don't get this thing at all. I have no interest in some dude's skid-marked man panties!

5. What makes a kiss great to you?

If it starts off gentle and sweet and soft, but the urgency and intensity builds and builds until it's no longer a kiss but a mouth fuck. Not slobbery - I hate that, but not totally dry either.

Bonus: Who pays for a date? If the girl asks a guy out, does she pay? If you are interested in same sex partners, how do you determine who pays?

I haven't been on a date in so long . . . if I remember correctly, if I asked I paid. Generally I tried to always switch off - he paid, I paid, he paid and so on. But if a guy's ego or sense of chivalry or whatever was so wrapped up in him being the one to pay, I would stop arguing. I think that's silly, but whatever. I'm more likely to tolerate the "I'm the guy, I pay" thing if he clearly makes more than me (which right now is anyone with a job, since my total income is about $20/week from babysitting the neighbor boy.)


Music from my life:

Morning from He!!

Man, what a morning I've had. The Boy has been having some problems lately with riding the bus. He just doesn't want to anymore. He has been riding a school bus since he was 2 with no problems. In fact, he has always loved riding the bus. But the last few weeks something has changed. He fights and screams and says "No 833" or "No 844" (his morning and afternoon buses, respectively).

Our first thought was a bully. He rides a bus that only has special ed students. He goes to a "neighborhood" school, meaning most of the kids walk. Only the speds ride a bus, because they come from all over the city. It's a full-size bus (not a "short bus") and there are only 4 kids on the bus, including Boy. He doesn't sit near anyone else and has very little interaction with them. The drivers say there has never been a problem between him and the other boys (special ed kids are more often boys - his autism classroom is ALL boys). The boys aren't loud, so unless there's a noise emanating from the bus itself it's not likely a sensory issue. I just don't know and he doesn't have the verbal skills to tell me.

At first it was only the morning bus; he was fine coming home. Now he is fighting both. He has never been a terribly violent child. He is known for being pretty laid back. But not about this issue.

This morning he had a major league breakdown when I tried to get him on the bus. Banging his head on the walls and windows of the bus, kicking, screaming, biting. He punched me in the face several times. He wouldn't keep his seat belt on (yes, they wear seat belts) and I had to take him off the bus. I woke and dressed his sister and drove him to school. It's about a 15-20 minute drive; not bad, but I don't want to have to do it every single day.

The only other time I've seen him this hysterical was when he had to have an IV inserted last month when he in the hospital.

He balked at going into the school, but he went without a real fight. He seemed fine once he was at school. The teachers say he is fine once he gets there every day. He follows the rules, does his work, participates as he should. He just doesn't want to ride the bus anymore.

His class is going on a field trip today to a farm. They are supposed to ride a bus. The teacher and I discussed it and decided to try to get him on that bus. If he has another meltdown he'll ride in the teacher's car (she was planning to drive anyway, in case any kids needed to go back or something before the day was done).

So I'm exhausted and frustrated and have a lovely purple mark developing on my face. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear them.

To SCM: Thanks for listening to my ranting and raving about this and for your helpful suggestions. I know you've been there with your boys and your support means a lot.

No, Not the Music . . . Anything But the Music!

Mute Monday is down one!

Spousehole is really testing my patience and love this time. Holy crap - he deleted my music!

The only shared folder we have on our Linux computer is music - that way we aren't duplicating efforts and we can share music files between the two of us.

Spousehole was reviewing some of the music files I put in the shared folder and decided that I was listening to "inappropriate" music, so he took it upon himself to DELETE IT ALL. Not just the "inappropriate" music, but everything I had in there. If it showed that I saved it, he deleted it.

OMG, I may have to kill him.

My mp3 player died a sad, sad non-Spousehole related death a while back. Let's just say that when they tell you not to fully immerse electronics, they really mean that, especially if the liquid is Diet Coke. Long story. R.I.P. Lil Monsta. (To his credit, Spousehole went to extraordinary measures to try to resuscitate Lil Monsta.) Everything I had on there was backed up in that music folder. New music that I planned to put on the replacement mp3 player was in that folder.

Now it is all gone. What exactly did he find "inappropriate?"

Some of the ones he recalls that "bothered" him:

Kid Rock
So Hott (it was the unbleeped version, but still)
Cowboy
Pink
U & UR Hand
Who Knew (huh?)
AC/DC
You Shook Me All Night Long
Back in Black
She's Got the Jack
Big Balls
Fall Out Boy
This Ain't A Scene (unbleeped version)
Eminem could have been anything - he hates Eminem

Also deleted, for no damn reason except that they were mine:

Styx, Garth Brooks, Kelly Clarkson, Robyn Hitchcock, Sarah MacLachlan, Toby Keith, Lindsey Buckingham, Avril Lavigne, Led Zepplin, Alabama, Beastie Boys, Bowie, The Police, Rick James, Prince, KC and the Sunshine Band, Offspring, Def Leppard, Duran Duran, Melissa Etheridge, Saving Jane, Van Halen, Sheryl Crow, Queensryche, John Mayer, The Flaming Lips, Leann Rhimes, Velvet Revolver, STP, Live, Presidents of the United States, Jars of Clay, The Empire Records Soundtrack, kd lang, The Beatles, Aretha Franklin, The Doors, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Croce, Cher, Bon Jovi, Jeff Buckley, Metallica, Patsy Cline, and many, many more. Do you have any idea how long it took me to accumulate all that music?

But his Olivia Newton-John songs are still there. All 56 of them. Asshole.

EDIT 4:00: He did later apologize for deleting ALL my music. Admitted he overreacted to the songs he found inappropriate (didn't want the kids to hear, in addition to thinking I shouldn't listen to them either) and just deleted everything. So he did apologize. I should have mentioned that.

Mute Monday - Peace

by Nancy Howe - click for copyright and purchasing information

Spousehole and the Girl



By my parents' house, this spring

*******************************************

If you read Polt's Palace, you know that his father has been quite ill and in a lot of pain. Papa Polt died last night, with Polt, Mama Polt, and the dog at his side. If you read Polt, please go offer your condolences to a funny, sweet blogger. Love you, Polt. May Papa Polt rest in peace.

Unconscious Mutterings / BTW Sunday

Unconscious Mutterings, the Free Association meme

I say _________ and you think _________

1. Inaugural :: Parade


2. Pledge :: Drive
   


3. String :: Cheese


4. Trot :: Hot to


5. Fitness :: Guru


6. Cinder :: Block


7. Edge :: Ford


8. 31 :: Flavors


9. Blue :: Velvet
   


10. Leather :: Restraints

Play along! Unconscious Mutterings

BTW Sunday

By the way...

hayride or hike? hayride (allergies be damned!)

picking out pumpkins or picking apples? Pumpkins! (this was close though)

hot apple cider or hot chocolate with marshmallows? cider - yum!

fall festival or trick-or-treating? trick-or-treating

roasting marshmallows or bobbing for apples? roasting marshmallows

cute little scarecrows or ugly, scarey monsters? cute scarecrows

Colorado Rockies or Boston Red Sox? Rockies, but I really don't care much

Tagged to Dream

My pal George has tagged me to tell you about my dreams. Here are the instructions:

'Write five things you want to be when you grow up. Big dreams that seem like folly, but in your heart of hearts are very real and dear to you. Things that maybe you have forgotten about in the ebb and flow and toil of the everyday, but that never really leave your soul. What you would do if anything was possible?'

1. Perpetual student

My ultimate dream would be to be a student for the rest of my life. I have a bachelor's degree in Justice, Morality, and Constitutional Democracy (poli sci/social sci) and a J.D. But I want to continue taking classes in anything and everything; not necessarily toward earning a degree, just for the sake of learning. Everything except math. After calculus, I was done with math. Cooking, anthropology, history, writing, literature, journalism, art, music, psychology, library science, theology - all of it. If I were to win the lotto or something (which isn't likely since I don't play), I would go back to school for the rest of my life.

2. Librarian

I know what you're thinking: what kind of weirdo aspires to be a librarian? I do. I love information - finding it, leading others to it, consuming it. I have very seriously considered going back to school for an MLS. I could specialize in legal research, combining the JD and the MLS.

I love books - they are almost an obsession. But it doesn't stop there. I love research. Digging into old newspapers, microfiche, archived records - it all fascinates me. Libraries aren't just about books anymore. A library is a repository of media of all kinds and I am interested in all of them.

I worked in a specialized library when I was in college (i.e., a small library only accessible to grad students and professors in a particular scientific field). While I didn't know much about the science to which the library was dedicated, I was excellent at helping others find the resources they needed. I loved cataloging new additions to our library and helping our limited pool of patrons. It was way cool.

My parents deal in antiques and have all my life. I suppose researching pieces they purchased and such is how I fell in love with these type of things.

3. Lobbyist/advocate for various causes that motivate me

I'm a decent public speaker and can be very persuasive when I want to be. I think I would be good at this and could possibly do some good. I'm not good at selling material things, but I can sell ideas.

4. Editor

I am really quite good at taking other's words and making them better. I can fix their syntax, correct their spelling and punctuation, find a better word to express a concept, etc. I am much better at that than at writing my own words. I was an editor on the law review when I was in law school and developed an affection for the editing process at that time.

Editing would allow me to exercise my need to correct others and express my perfectionism in a setting where such annoying traits are actually encouraged!

5. Queen of my own little polyamorous household
This is pure fantasy because it could never actually happen. But in the fantasy, I get to be the sole female in household with multiple men, each of whom serves particular needs, since no one man seems to be able to meet them all. In this fantasy world, the men would all get along as friends (and maybe occasional lovers to one another with me present) and none would resent or be jealous of my time spent with the others. None of them would have anyone else outside the household, of course, because this is my fantasy world and in my fantasy everyone's every need is met within our household.

Pure fantasy.

Now I'm supposed to tag five peeps. Hmmm, I'm thinking. Eeny meenie minee mo . . . I choose Trueself, Sandy Shoes, Michelle L, Renee, and The Girl.

HNT!

You may have seen me in this before on another blog, but not here!
Kudos to anyone who can identify where it has appeared before (w/o the frame).
And it wasn't Boobiethon or HNTanon - I let the girls out to play for those sites!

Why do we get half-nekkid? Want to join the fun? See Os at

Wanting the Fantasy

Have you taken a look at the TV schedules lately? Bionic Woman, Pushing Daisies (cutest protagonists on TV or what?), Reaper, Moonlight, Chuck, Heroes, Ghost Whisperer (I can't stand this show, even if the main character does have the best first name on TV EVER), and so on.

Some believe that we want escapist, fantasy fare the most when we are down or stressed or otherwise see a bleak and hopeless world. That the war in Iraq, the crappy economy (at least here in the Midwestern U.S.), and the U.S. President that no one, not even his own party, likes anymore add up to a nation and world in need of a little fantasy entertainment. In the Great Depression it was adorable Shirly Temple in improbably cute situations. Now supernatural, cutesy-romance, sci-fi stuff - it all satisfies our need to get away from the raw cheerlessness of our dreary everyday lives.

The characters are cuter, stronger, braver, and smarter than we'll ever be or than anyone we'll ever meet. They have power over things and people that we could never truly achieve. We want the fantasy to avoid our workaday world and it's ever encroaching ugliness.

That's exactly what sexual fantasies are for most of us too. An escape from the everyday world, where everyone is better looking, supremely skilled, intensely sexy, madly in love with us, and has all the time in the world to devote satisfying our every need, physical and emotional.

We all need an escape from reality sometimes. My fantasy escape?

The setting:
A cool, almost cold, somewhat dimly lit room; not dark, because I want to see everything, but not harshly bright either. Sexy jazz saxophone providing background music - loud enough to hear clearly, not so loud it drowns out our own sounds. A bed, an armless chair, a shower and/or hot tub nearby, with abundant scalding hot water available.

The characters:
Me (it's my fantasy, right?). An intelligent, sexy man who is able to block out all thoughts except those of pleasing me. A man skilled, but not jaded; enthusiastic, but not overeager; a man capable of gentle passion as well as animalistic intensity.

We interrupt this fantasy for real life: My son's school just called, damn it. Hysterical meltdown. I can't finish this right now . . . .

Any volunteers to help flesh out this fantasy? (so to speak)

WhatEVER Wednesday

I've got nothing to say today, but by God I'm going to say it! I reserve the right to add random bits of nothingness as the day proceeds. So there.

******************
You know you are doing something right as a parent when your 2-year-old yells "I wanna rock!!" on a regular basis. Go Girl! That's how she asks for Schoolhouse Rock, but hey, it's a start. She makes me dance with her, so that's fun. Maybe she'll learn something too - you never know! Btw - did you guys know that Stephen Rader was in Schoolhouse Rock (the Musical)? How cool is that?

******************

Monday evening:

Spousehole: (looking around at house, which hasn't changed much since he was home for lunch) So . . . what exactly did you do today?
Me: Laid around moaning about how cruddy I feel.
Spousehole: That's it?
Me: Yeah, that pretty much covers it.
(okay, so that's a total lie: I washed, dressed, played with, read to, and admonished the 2-yr-old; did a load of laundry; did 2 loads of dishes - amazing how they piled up on Sunday when I really truly did nothing but lay in bed moaning; read the Sunday paper - it won't read itself, you know; fed the cats; ate two pieces of toast; and other assorted household junk, in addition to laying around and moaning about how cruddy I feel; but I wasn't going to explain myself to him. Go me!(?))

******************

My two-year-old came up to me with her hands out, grabbed and squeezed both my breasts saying "Honk!! Honk!!" Where in the world did she learn something like that? Her Daddy doesn't do that kind of thing. What did he let her watch on television Sunday while I was out of commission?

******************

My husband wants me to play Halo with him. Uh huh. Right. It's like a heroin addict saying "Just have a little smack with me, baby. It'll bond us." He says "If you just enjoyed what I enjoy . . . ." Maybe he should try what I enjoy; what he used to enjoy. Or maybe he should just go hang with his asexual brethren.

******************

Speaking of addiction, that's what I am starting to feel I have. You ever want something, like something to which you're addicted, and you feel yourself slipping toward it, even though you know you shouldn't? You don't want to, because you know once you go that way you can never go back, but it's almost as though you can't help yourself? That's how I'm feeling. Like if I don't have some human sexual contact soon, I'm going to end up falling further and further down until I do something crazy, like meeting up with someone I barely know - danger be damned. I really do feel like I might spiral out of control at any time. The abyss beckons once again.

It's not just being horny, per se. I mean, if I want an orgasm I can do that myself. It's the connection with another human being that I need. Those tactile sensations that we all described so wonderfully in yesterday's TMI. The satisfaction and ego boost that comes from pleasing and being pleased. God, I hate being so needy! It's not attractive at any level.

Any volunteers, before I end up with some total stranger from AFF or something? (Yes, I put up a new profile on there. I'm serious about this desperation thing.)

******************

My in-laws were just here. They dropped off some pants my MIL took in for my son (I know - I'm a total lame-ass mother, having my MIL do that. I could - I own a nice sewing machine - but I'm lazy and bad at it to boot.)

They also dropped off a bunch of food. No, we're not so poor that we need charity. They are headed to Florida until Thanksgiving, so they cleaned out their fridge and brought us all the stuff they couldn't bear to throw away. Veggies, half a carton of milk, stuff like that. But this time there's also hummus and pickled red cabbage. You just never know what the in-laws are going to drop off on their way south.

TMI Tuesday!!

It's TMI Tuesday! Click the "I kiss and tell" icon to come play with us!!


1. What are your 7 favorite tactile things that turn you on? Sex (like oral, or penetrative) cannot be an answer. (Examples: silk, light tickling, etc).

silk or satin, fingers lightly running over my skin, my fingers touching my lover's skin, the rigidity of an erect penis, teeth on skin, a lover's hot breath on my skin, fingernails down my back - how many is that?

2. What are your non-genital erogenous zones and what do you like done to them?

Neck, breasts, ears, back of the knee, inside of the elbow . . . They like sucking, licking, biting, kissing, pretty much anything you can think of . . . .

Edit: Jon reminded me of the most important erogenous zone - THE BRAIN. Hello! How could I have forgotten that one?? It likes to be stimulated and seduced. In fact, if it isn't, the body is not likely to follow.

3. What sounds get you sexually charged?

A lover's sighs and moans, a lover whispering in my ear (especially naughty things), the grunts and groans that result from rough, physical sex. The #1 though - whisper "I want you" in my ear and I'll drop whatever I'm doing - I'm all yours. A little jazz sax in the background never hurts either :-)

4. After losing your virginity, what is the longest you’ve gone without penetrative sex?

Three years, by my choice. I did a lot of "everything but" to make up for it. :-) Not by my choice, 18 l-o-n-g months (while married, mind you).

5. What is your least favorite sexual position? Why don't you like it?

Seesaw. It's just awkward.
Bonus (as in optional):If you could sexually dominate or submit to 5 people - any 5, currently living or deceased - which 5 would it be?

I have fantasies of submitting to a certain friend who shall remain nameless (you know who you are); I would also submit to William Fichtner or Thomas Jefferson. I would love to dominate Elizabeth I (I can't explain it, so don't ask) and Alton Brown. (I'd make him cook for me - in the nude - and then feed me, by hand - still nude, of course. I have a seriously warped mind.)

Mute Monday - Extremes

*********************

Sorry if I'm a bit slow getting around to everyone's MM today. I'm a bit under the weather. So much so that I never even turned on the computer yesterday. Not once. I was too ill to READ A BOOK. Seriously. What's my problem?:
(Picture stolen from Debbie & CJ; thanks!)

My Name is Bunny and I'm a Rabbit Addict

Someone asked me recently if I have "a thing" about rabbits. I must confess that I do. I adore rabbits, always have. When I was a kid and my dog played with a wild baby rabbit (a rabbit kitten, technically) until it died, I was furious with the dog for weeks. I just have a soft spot for rabbits. Wild, domestic, and even some fake ones (ok, a whole curio cabinet full . . . ). There's a reason people in my real life started calling me Bunny, years and years ago. (Only my husband still calls me Bunny and it's rare now.)

I know. Total dork.

I believe rabbits make wonderful pets. But you have to be prepared to care for them properly. For one, rabbits need to be in the house and part of the family. They are social animals and need that interaction. Rabbits can be (and should be) litter-trained, just like a cat. For more on that, go to the House Rabbit Society. I have had large rabbits and small rabbits and all can be trained. The main thing to watch for with house rabbits is that they will chew electrical cords - and telephone cords and tv and computer cables, pretty much anything they can get their teeth on. You have to cover the cords to protect them.

Rabbits are not always cuddly and friendly. Many have a serious attitude. One of mine, a 9 lb. French lop, was terribly mean - beating up other animals, biting small humans, snarling at everyone. She had to be separated from other rabbits (she put my Polish dwarf in the hospital once, had to get stitches another time). I got her spayed, but it didn't help. She was just mean. She used to pull my dog's hair out to pad her nest. Surprisingly, the dog didn't really care. They had a weird relationship. Eventually they would sleep snuggled together. Bizarre.

My favorite rabbit was Benjamin, who looked kind of the like the black/white bunny in the "pron" above, w/o the brown chest. He was a white-tipped black dwarf. Not even 3lbs at his top weight. He had a vivid personality. He thought he could kick anyone's butt, no matter their size. He loved to toss a wire ball cat toy. He'd pick it up in his teeth and toss it across the room. Hilarious. He chased and attacked the vacuum cleaner. Benny traveled with me all through my time in law school. If I told him we were going for a ride, he'd hop over and into his carrier box. At a McDonald's I used to stop at for a soda on my trips between my parents' house and school, they got to know him and would give him lettuce to eat. I lived in a Mies van der Rohe glass-and-steel high rise during law school. My apartment had one wall that was just solid glass. Benny loved to go to the window and look out at the 16th floor view. He'd run when the traffic or police helicopters went by though - he thought they were predators, I guess. Benjamin died on his 10th birthday, which also happened to be my wedding day. The neighbor was checking on him regularly during my wedding and said that my parents' cat never left the rabbit's side as he faded away. At least someone was with him. My Dad may never completely get over losing Benny. We even considered naming my son Benjamin, but then thought that a child might not appreciate being named for a dead rabbit.

My last rabbit, Gracie - the Polish dwarf, died 4 years ago. She was 10 years old. It was surprising that she lived that long, since she had never been spayed. (Spayed and neutered rabbits live much longer. Females tend to get ovarian or uterine cancer when they aren't spayed.) She was sweet, but she was wary of my son. She was a placid rabbit who liked quiet and gentle petting. Little boys are neither gentle nor quiet.

I want another rabbit, but I probably won't get one until my daughter is a little older. Though if I got a checkered giant or a flemish giant something larger like that, it could probably handle her. Not sure. The kids want a dog so that's more likely to be the next addition to our family. We're thinking a rescued greyhound maybe. We'll see.

Thank you to everyone

Thank you to everyone who commented and/or emailed on my last post. You really are the best bunch of blogger buddies a girl could ask for. I feel so much less alone with all of you around (virtually).

I'm doing better. Not so emotional as when I posted about the emotional roller coaster. I don't like when I get emotional like that. I feel vulnerable and weak, two positions I've never cared for.

I'm going to be just fine. My feelings for my friend are there, but I can deal with them. I know being with him is never going to be a reality, so I'm not going to dwell on it. I will continue to be in contact with him, to be his friend and let him be my friend, and hope that these feelings fade for both of us. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Now maybe I can finally finish the book I started reading LAST WEEK (I never read this slowly . . . )

Emotional Rollercoaster

I'm about to post about something I've been withholding from the blog. I've withheld it for several reasons. First, I feel stupid about the situation. Second, the other person used to be a blogger and I didn't want anyone making the connection. But if I don't talk about it, I may just burst. And my emotional rollercoaster won't make any sense if I don't explain. But I may delete this soon after I post it. I don't know. Anyway, here goes:

I've had one rule about internet friendships and extramarital flirting/relationships or whatever: Don't fall in love. That is, love your friends as friends. Have some emotional connection with friends and lovers; but don't fall in love. There's a part of your heart that you can't open to others; it belongs to your spouse and only your spouse. Besides, I'm not one of those people who falls in love at the drop of a hat. Lust, yes. I fall in lust pretty easily, especially with intelligent, confidently sexy men. I fall in Like quite a bit - I like people. I'm basically a friendly person. But I don't fall in love easily; I don't open my heart that easily anymore.

My mistake: I let someone in. It wasn't intentional, it just sort of happened. We read each other's blogs, left comments. Emailed each other with words of support for our respective situations. Soon we were chatting occasionally, then more regularly. Eventually we were chatting nearly every day this summer. We talked about life, love, marriage, sex, food, children, our childhoods, politics, religion (a lot of religion); we talked about everything and about nothing at all. We could, and did, go on for hours. We exchanged pictures - not only of ourselves but our families. We told each other just about everything that happened in our lives. We have a similar messed up sense of humor. Example: Discussing a sexual harassment prevention video shown at a job training seminar, he said "What does it say about me that I almost laughed out loud when the first words out of the video narrator's voice was that the company has a very rigid policy about sexual harassment?" Except I would actually have laughed out loud.

It got to the point that on days we didn't have contact, I missed him. But it's okay to miss a friend, right? Eventually it became apparent that we were more than friends to one another, but we kind of danced around it. Neither of us was looking for more than a friend. We each had and have other friends, but this was different.

Then his life took a drastic turn. He had to stop blogging - deleted his blog entirely, in fact, to protect his family. He had to resign his job, in the only profession he had ever known. His life was turned upside down. This also meant that we would not have regular contact anymore, as his days until he found a new career would be spent nearly 24/7 with his wife.

In our last online chat, he told me he loved me. To my own surprise, I told him that I loved him too. I thought it through later: Was I just saying it because he said it? Or did I really mean it? I realized that yes, I meant it, although I've always believed that you can't fall in love with someone you've never actually met in person. I felt kind of stupid about it - what kind of simpering idiot falls in love over the internet? Besides, we could never really be together. Neither of us is prepared to leave our children or move our children away from their other parent to be together. Being together is a fantasy that can never actually come true, so I needed to just get the heck over it. No problem, right?

After all, I thought, this "love" is merely an illusion. I just feel this way because he listens to me, accepts me - flaws and all, forgives my mistakes, and is basically everything I'm not getting from my spouse. It's kind of like transference in therapy - where you feel briefly like you're in love with your therapist. They listen to you, affirm you, they don't dismiss your feelings or your fears. Like transference, this too shall pass, I thought.

He and I even talked about this - that you can't really know someone online or over the phone. Until you spend time together, flesh and blood, you don't know. Until you've had to wash their dirty underwear, deal with their moods, pick up the dishes they left out, eat dinner together day in and day out, travel together, or live with the aftermath of a mistake they made, you don't know. You just don't know.

I thought that our inability to easily or regularly contact one another for awhile would help things. That this would be some silly crush that would pass. And in the couple months that have passed, I did feel better about it. We've had intermittent contact and it felt like my emotions had settled down. I felt that I still loved and cared for him as a friend, but that anything beyond that had passed. I had moved on.

He's got a new job and he's away from home at a training for said job. Away from his wife, but also a couple time zones away from me. We've emailed, but hadn't actually talked. Until this morning.

This morning we talked on the phone for about half an hour.

Damn if it didn't all just come rushing back for me. I've spent the rest of the day on an emotional rollercoaster. Happy to hear his voice. Ashamed to find that I still care so damn much. Giddy and playful. Kicking myself for not just getting over him already. Up and down. Up and down. All freaking day.

Nothing's changed. I'm not leaving my husband. He's not leaving his wife. We aren't going to be together. We can't. I'm exactly what he doesn't need. But I love him anyway. Damn it. Time was supposed to take care of this. I HATE this feeling.

I'm hoping that just getting this all out will help. Maybe if I read the words, I'll realize just how silly this all is and be able to move on already. Or maybe I'll call him back, hear his voice again while I can.

I've added a poll to accompany this post. I think it is self-explanatory. I'm not answering it myself, because I just don't freaking know. (That goddamn emotional roller coaster again.)

P.S. If you think you recognize my friend from this, please don't leave a comment saying "Are you talking about so-and-so?" Email me if you're so curious. Perhaps I'll tell you, perhaps I won't.

HNT

I've been playing around with Gimp, trying to learn what all I can do with it. This is one of the results.

Why do we get half-nekkid? Want to join the fun? See Os at

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?

You're Lili St. Cyr!
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Poll Results

Thank you to everyone who participated in my totally unscientific poll regarding number of sexual partners. Last week's TMI included a question asking participants to guesstimate how many partners the average person of the participant's gender has had. That got me to wondering and, hence, the poll.

Out of 66 respondents, 24 (36%) have had intercourse with 1-10 partners. 23 (34%) have had intercourse with 11-25 partners. 11 (16%) have had intercourse with 26-50 partners and 8 (12%) have had 51 or more partners.

So we can safely say that, of our poll participants, the vast majority (70%) have had intercourse with 25 or fewer partners. I myself fall into this majority, but I'm not telling exactly where. Y'all get to be anonymous, I get to keep a little of mine (though the exact number is in this blog somewhere, if you are really interested. And it hasn't changed since that time.)

Fewer people took part in the second half of the poll, asked about number of partners with whom one has gotten to at least 3rd base (generally considered to mean that touching below the waist has occurred).

However, of the 61 participants in the second half of the poll, the plurality (40%) have only fooled around to that degree with 15 or fewer partners, while 38% have
been to 3rd base or beyond with 16-50 partners (a wide margin, granted). 19% count 51 or more partners at that degree of intimacy.

So what does it all mean? Not a damn thing. If we took the time to break it down by gender, sexual orientation, age, race, etc. and we had a significantly larger sampling, we might have something. But we don't. So all we know is that while we are a horny bunch of people, we're maybe not so promiscuous as some think and not so inexperienced as others think.

Why does it mean nothing? Look at just the age factor. Take two women, each with 15 sexual partners total and each of whom first had sex at age 15. One is 45 years old and one is 18 years old. Big difference, at least to me. I'm not going to judge either one, but lots of people will and their judgement of the 18 year old is going to be much harsher than that of the 45 year old. That's just one example of how these numbers don't really tell us anything of value.

Stay tuned for my next poll. Thinking of a couple different things, not sure which I'll go with. All I can promise is that it will be totally unscientific and we'll probably not learn anything of value. We'll see!

The Preamble

When I was in my 2nd yr of law school, on the first day of Con Law our prof asked if we were familiar with the preamble. The class, of course, broke out in song - this song, from Schoolhouse Rock. It was one of my favorite law school moments.

My favorite post-law school moment was at our swearing-in ceremony in my town. The appellate judge doing part of the oath said "Repeat after me: I, state your name" and about half of us said "I, state your name" and burst out in laughter. The stick-up-their-butts people didn't find it amusing, but the rest of us did. I smiled for the rest of ceremony at that one.

Grammar Rock - Interjection

This is what I'm hearing all day, every day. Well, the whole DVD worth. I didn't remember there being 60 of these.

My daughter and I spend the day dancing and singing these. Even my six-year-old is into it. He was singing Conjunction Junction before bed last night.

Schoolhouse Rock ROCKS!!

Can't Get This Out of My Head

These songs are my current faves and I can't get them out of my head.

TMI Tuesday!!

It's TMI Tuesday! Click the "I kiss and tell" icon to come play with us!!

1. What was the first movie you saw on a date?

I think it was Tootsie, but I'm not sure. His name was John and he was 6'5" and I was 5'2" - a match made in heaven, for sure. That was a long, long time ago - lol.

2. Who was the first person you kissed on a date? [First name is fine.]

Tim, who I dated briefly as a freshman in high school. We went to the dance after a Friday night football game and he kissed me while we were dancing. I could feel his erection against me as we danced - that was a first too!!

3. Where was the first place you ever "parked" (on a date)?

Does parking our bicycles count? Then it was the woods near Chippewa Chapel. If not, then in the car it was Horner's Woods on the dirt road cul-de-sac before there were any houses, in my lovingly restored 1967 Mustang.

4. Have you ever gone on a date with someone you met via the internet? If not, would you?

Date? No. Had sex with, yes. Would I? Sure, if I wasn't a married woman. ;-)

5. What is the most romantic thing you have done on a first date?

I had a really good time on a date where we went to dinner, hung out at the beach (that's where everyone went to "cruise" and show off their cars), and then climbed Mt. Pisgah to watch the sun set. I remember that being a lot of fun. The sad part - I can't remember his name!
To be honest, though, so many relationships I've had developed organically, such that what counts as the first date is somewhat blurred.

Bonus (as in optional):Describe the best date you have ever been on.

Probably the one where my college boyfriend proposed to me. We took a picnic lunch and went to a lighthouse out on the Jersey shore. It was romantic and sweet and wonderful. Sometimes I have trouble remembering why I broke off the engagement a year later. He was a pretty great guy. We stayed friends for several years after that, though I couldn't bring myself to attend his wedding. Too painful for me.

Mute Monday - LOVE

Today's theme is Love

Puppy love:

First love:

Forbidden love:(The white/gray kitten, Oliver, is in Benjamin Rabbit's bed, you see . . . )
(Yes, my apartment was trashed. I was studying for the bar exam, so shut up!)

Promise of love:

(Me - in the white dress- and Spousehole. May 1, 1999)

But it always comes back to
self love:

Complete and Utter Escape

All outside this room ceases to exist. We are living in this moment – no past, no future, only right here, right now. No family, no friends, no work, no worries. The only thing that's real is you and me and how we stimulate one another's senses.

We will see nothing but one another. Looking into one another's eyes, undressing each other at first with only our eyes. Taking in the vision of one another: curves and angles, softness and hardness, shapes, outlines. Appreciating the uniqueness of the person before us, aroused by the vision of a new lover.

Fingertips caressing skin. The textures, the contrasts, the imperfections – all perfect in this moment. Deliberately brushing against one another, barely touching, every nerve on fire, yearning for more. Soothing, relaxing, arousing – nothing exists but our touch of one another.

The taste of lips on lips. Salty, sweaty skin, stroked with a gentle tongue. Lapping up one another's essence. Kissing, tasting, drinking of one another. Consuming one another, completely. Tasting nothing but one another's passion.

The smell of perfume, cologne, mouthwash – the preparations for passion. Quickly overwhelmed by the aroma of arousal, itself soon supplanted by the scent of sex, on our hands, our breath, our skin. In our hair and the air around us, on the sheets, the furniture. A fragrance created by passion.

The sounds we elicit from one another. Soft sighs, half-moaned instructions. Skin moving against skin; slurping, sucking, smacking. Affirming sounds, escaping our lips before the sensations even reach the conscious brain; the crescendo of impending climax, the melody of sweet release, and the whispered coda of satisfaction achieved.

Yes, a complete and utter escape. If only for a few hours.

The wedding wasn't half bad

Turned out I knew one person there - my husband's boss - and I was seated next to him, so that was cool. THERE WAS ALCOHOL. Thank God and all the saints in heaven for that one. But it was odd - I wanted a rum and diet Coke. First of all, they only had Pepsi products. I could deal with that. *flipped painstakingly straightened hair* But then the only rum the bartender had was Black Cherry Rum. WTF?? I didn't want cherry and the hard liquor selection was limited, so I went with vodka and a twist of lime. I could live with that. *flipped painstakingly straightened hair, once again* There was also wine served for toasting (and sparkling grape juice - which do you think I chose?), but that was the sweetest white wine I have ever had. It was like drinking corn syrup with alcohol. At least it seemed to have a pretty high alcohol content. Too damn sweet though. Think of the sweetest cheap reisling you've ever had and imagine it 1000x sweeter. That was what this stuff tasted like. And the consistency was like syrup on the tongue. Ugh. I don't mind sweet if there's some crisp on the back end, but there was no crisp with this stuff. *flipped painstakingly straightened hair, once again*

Turns out the bride and groom are big into Renaissance fairs and stuff, so the guest were a very eclectic group. Everything from totally straight and normal to multiple tats and piercings to major league geekdom. I could get into the crowd, since there was something for everyone.

Spousehole never once told me I looked good or anything. Jerk. But I got my flirt on with a couple cute guys (young- oh so young) and I must not have been too horrifying ugly and/or old since they played along. I was just getting into dancing with the adorable but tongue-tied 27-year-old best man (he'd had a few draft ciders) when Spousehole announced that it was time we picked up the kids and went home. Party-pooper. My feet hadn't even started hurting yet from wearing heels.

Today is a better day . . .

Actually yesterday was okay too. Spousehole is being pretty nice to me. Took me out to lunch on Friday and was fairly pleasant. He watched the kids so I could go the gym alone, though he did expect me home in time to cook dinner and then grumbled because I was still in my sweaty gym clothes at the dinner table. Geez, I just didn't have enough time to shower and change AND get home when he wanted me there. But it was okay.

Thank you to everyone who commented and/or emailed about my last post. I appreciate each and every one of you. I've decided to take the "whatever" hair flip approach to things. He's just trying to get a reaction from me and I'm going to refuse to react. I won't give him the satisfaction. I'll try to be mature about it all, above the childishness. We'll see how that goes. So far so good.

He is dragging me to We are going to a wedding this evening. I will know exactly zero (0) people there, except for Spousehole. Should be a blast. I sure hope there's alcohol. Unfortunately, that's not just a given in our area. Due to the proliferation of conservative Christians and the generally quite cheap Dutch population in our area, alcohol-free wedding receptions comprise approximately 50% of the receptions we attend. Keeping my fingers crossed . . .

Why Do I Give Him This Power Over Me?

Why do I let Spousehole do this to me? Why do I give him that power?

I was having a pretty good day. Playing and goofing around with my daughter, jamming to the Schoolhouse Rock DVD. Brought back memories for me, she loved all the number-related videos. Got a lot done around the house. Had a fun IM chat with someone fairly new (though he moves a little fast for me- a few emails and a couple IM chats and he wants to meet at a local hot tub place already . . . ). Boy wasn't so anxious as he has been, ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in at least a year . . . . Just an all-around pretty good day.

Then right after my post about my dream last night (see below), Spousehole manages to bring me down again and I'm on the verge of tears.

He took off his wedding ring again.

I have no idea why. The house is cleaner than usual, I made a nice dinner (steak and potatoes - a manly man meal), his underwear is clean and in the drawer (not folded; if he wants 'em folded he can do that himself), I haven't spent any of "his" money, I offered helpful and insightful advice (when ASKED) about a situation he has at work . . . I don't know WTF I did wrong. It may have to do with something this weekend. I left my phone on the kitchen counter, charging, and he was apparently in the kitchen when it indicated a text was received. Later, while we were out for ice cream, he asked, nonchalantly, "So who is A and why did he text you XYZ?" I told him that A is just a friend (true). When he looked skeptical, I explained further that he (Spousehole) has nothing to worry about, A is no threat to our marriage or anything (also true). I closed by telling him that I love him and only him and that no friendship is going to change that (again, completely true). He seemed ok with that, acknowledging his own opposite gender friends that he expects me to not be concerned about. But then when my phone rang the other night, he said in a snarky voice "Oh, is that A calling to say good night?" (It was not. It was another male friend calling to talk about his wife's latest outrage, but I didn't explain that.)

But would that be enough to make him take off his wedding ring? I don't know. I'm almost afraid to ask. Screaming, furious Spousehole I've gotten used to. Quietly angry (enough to take off his wedding ring) Spousehole frightens me.

He sure does know how to fuck up an otherwise good mood.

Last night's dream

(HNT is down two)

I dreamed of him last night. I've not before, so it must be a sign that it's been too long. Dreamed of his masculine chest, his very hairy legs, the five o'clock shadow that forms 10 minutes after he's shaved. The contrast between his skin and mine, representing the extremes of the Caucasian spectrum. The gleam in his eye as he tells me about his fantasies, the things that would horrify his strait-laced wife. The childlike enthusiasm elicited by my willingness to make the fantasies come true. The smile, OMG, the smile that could get me to do almost anything. The sigh that escapes his lips when I tease his ass with my tongue, the immense pleasure he gets from doing the same to me, his finger sliding in as his tongue moves to pleasure other areas, as I suck and stroke his thick, rock-hard shaft . . .

Yeah, it's been way too long.

New Poll Re: # of Sexual Partners

HNT is down one post!!

I've touched on this issue before (what counts as having "had sex" with someone, etc.). Then this week's TMI included a question asking participants to guesstimate how many partners the average person of the participant's gender has had.

These are the motivation behind the poll questions to the right in my sidebar.

PLEASE NOTE: This poll is completely anonymous. I have no way of knowing who answered or what his/her answers were. My traffic stats aren't that specific (and even if they were, I have neither the time nor the inclination to figure it out.) Your answers will not be traced back to you!!

The first question asks for your number of sexual partners, counting only intercourse. I threw the word "voluntary" in there because I believe that one should never count instances where one was not a voluntary participant. Spousehole and I have been around and around on that one. I do not count the s.o.b. who raped me as someone with whom I have had sex. That was not sex, it was violence. There's a huge difference. Spousehole disagrees, saying "Part of his body was inside your body. That's sex whether you consented or not." I have pointed out that this is exactly the point of view that gets women in some cultures shunned or even stoned to death for the "crime" of being raped. So, short story long - only include voluntary interactions, please. (Yes, I know Spousehole can be a Neanderthal, you needn't remind me.)

The second questions asks for your number of sexual partners, including not only those with whom one has had intercourse, but also those with whom one has made it "third base" or so. Please include all such partners regardless of gender, as it is my poll, damn it, and I don't want to separate out same gender/different gender questions. Too damn confusing. If you were both girls and you touched each other's "hooha" in a sexual manner it counts, ok?

Thanks for playing and participating in my totally unscientific poll!!

HNT

Summer's sandal tan lines haven't faded completely!!

Why do we get half-nekkid? Want to join the fun? See Os at

Ringxiety or fauxcellarm - good to know it's not just me!

Halloween Goof (because I just won't grow up!)

What Your Halloween Habits Say About You

You're a friendly person, but not the life of the party. You like making someone else's day - and you'll dress up if you think of a really fun costume. You definitely think of yourself as someone who has a dark side. And part of having that dark side means not showing it. Your inner child is open minded, playful, and adventurous. You truly fear the dark side of humanity. You are a true misanthrope. You're logical, rational, and not easily effected. Not a lot scares you... especially when it comes to the paranormal. You are a total overachiever and workaholic. You're the type of person who plans their elaborate Halloween costume weeks in advance.

What's Your Halloween Personality?

I don't wanna grow up and you can't make me!!

stomps foot petulantly

Spousehole and I were riding in the mommyvan one evening and he had a paperback book that he was reading sitting on the dash in front of him. He took a corner at such an angle and speed that the book spun across the dash to the passenger side and slid gracefully into my lap. It was almost elegant, the way it moved. I said, doing my best little kid imitation “Ooooo - that was way cool! Do it again! Do it again!” punctuated with a little clap.

Spousehole, who had seemed to be in a good mood (for him) up to this point, was not amused.

“You are 40 years old now! When are you going to grow up?” I was shocked. Not by what he said, but that he had changed it from “You're somebody's mother now! When are you going to grow up?” which I've heard regularly for the last 7 years. Once again, I was reduced to explaining that it was just a goof, me trying to be funny, make light of a silly situation, and on and on.

Apparently, as Spousehole sees it, 40-year-old parents are to be “grown-ups” and are not allowed to have fun. Joking, laughing, lightening a mood – all for the immature and child-free. And God forbid I make a double entendre or any other statement that might be construed as risque. Definite evidence right there of my immaturity and lack of fitness to be a parent.

“Why do you have to be so bloody serious all the time?” I respond when Spousehole is intent on quashing my fun. “Life is serious and responsible adults are serious” is his reply.

Fuck that. An occasional joke, some well-placed laughter, a goofy exchange – none of these preclude my being a responsible parent and adult. It's not as though I'm constantly making jokes to avoid my responsibilities or duck out on my duties. Is it so wrong to want to raise my children in a home with laughter and happiness instead of doom and gloom? So long as the kids are clean, fed, and not dead, would it be so bad if they were also happy and relaxed? And Mom too? (He also thinks my playing with the children is a waste of my time. That's a whole other post right there.)

Ironically, one of the things that supposedly made Spousehole interested in me, way back when, was my sense of humor, my ability to keep the mood in my department light in spite of the fact that we dealt with extremely unhappy people all day (our governmental unit enforced child support and visitation orders in divorce, paternity, and neglect/abuse cases). I made him laugh and he liked that. Now it's just something else he wants to extinguish in me. Except when we're out with friends or at a dinner party or with his family or something - then my humor and wit are prized qualities once again.

I'd like your thoughts.

Do you have to give up humor to be a grown-up?

TMI Tuesday!

It's TMI Tuesday! Click the "I kiss and tell" icon to come play with us!!


1. Wash up, cuddle or fall asleep?

Varies, depending on the situation. Ideally, cuddle AND fall asleep. But I haven't had that in a long, long time. Wash up and skedaddle before his wife comes home or my husband gets suspicious has been the order of the day . . .

2. Have you ever faked orgasms?

Duh. I'm a girl. Sometimes it just isn't going to happen and if your partner has a fragile ego faking it is easier than trying to explain that it's not him, it's you. I haven't done this in a while though, as I'm trying to be more honest about such things.

3. In any 24 hour period, what is the most number of time you have ever had sex?

There was a weekend in college . . . probably 5 or 6. That was an amazing weekend. Yes, it was just one guy - it's incredible what a college-age guy can do when left alone with his girlfriend for days on end :)

4. Have you ever had sex or give/received oral sex while you were driving a car?

Not while I was driving, but while the other person was driving . . . Yes, I've bumped my head on a steering wheel a time or two . . .

5. What do you think the average number of sexual partners your sex has in their lifetime? Do you think most people lie when asked?

I wouldn't have the slightest idea of the average number of sexual partners for my gender. Amongst my friends the number varies from 1 to over 100. With such extremes skewing things, that mean is probably meaningless. Finding the median and the mode might be more telling than the mean.

Do people lie about their number of sexual partners? Sure, some people do. Some women minimize it, I think some men "enhance" their numbers when talking with other guys. I really don't see the point. It is what it is. I'm neither proud nor ashamed of my stats, but so long as I don't have any STDs, why should anyone care?

Bonus (as in optional): Can men and women be "just friends?" (Explain)

Absolutely. I have male friends with whom I have absolutely no interest in doing anything sexual. Then there are others . . .

Finding the Right Words

I think my bad mood as of late has to do with what is missing in my life, including, but not limited to:

Kissing, Pampering, Seduction, Flirting, Devouring, Grinding, Manipulating, Kindness, Pinching, Massaging, Petting, Extravagance, Pushing, Rocking, Submission, Caressing, Strength, Tasting, Gratification, Colliding, Groping, Pleasure, Softness, Biting, Fondling, Hedonism, Nibbling, Domination, Hardness, Desire, Brushing, Spooning, Teasing, Pressing, Spanking, Grazing, Kneading, Snuggling, Stroking, Touching, Sucking, Rubbing, Licking, Fucking, Passion, Frolicking, Embracing . . .

_________________________________________

Your Deadly Sins

Lust: 60% Sloth: 40% Envy: 20% Greed: 20% Wrath: 20% Gluttony: 0% Pride: 0% Chance You'll Go to Hell: 23% You'll die from overexertion. *wink*

How Sinful Are You?
_________________________________________

On a slightly more serious/non-horndog mode, I am in a better mood today. Less exposure to Spousehole + more exposure to exasperating but funny kids + restoration of DSL = happier Bunny.

The mammogram went fine. No big. I had no idea the girls could be squished quite that flat, but it wasn't painful at all. From check-in to walking back to the car was just over 30 minutes. With the new digital machines, they know immediately if the "films" came out, so there's no waiting around while they develop the film. If you've been putting one off because someone told you it hurt, GO GET IT DONE. It's no big. No need to flip hair even.

_________________________________________

Had lunch with my mom. She wanted to know how my weekend went (i.e., what did we fight about this weekend). I told her some of it and then made a joke about how once a year just isn't enough for me (she was already somewhat aware that our sex life is almost nil in the last few years). She said "OMG! Your father and I have slept in separate rooms for nearly 30 years and we're older than dirt and I get more than that!"

Great. Exactly what I needed to hear. EWWWW!

Mute Monday - Boycott

Some from the past:

No, no, no, no!:

___________________________________________________

And definitely DO NOT BOYCOTT THIS:


I'm having my very first smash and flash (mammogram) today,
since I turned 40 last month. Wish the girls and me luck, okay?