WTF Wednesday!

WTF is with people who chew their gum very obviously and with their mouths open and jaws moving side to side? Yuck! Confidential to CG and SG, who will never ever read this blog but it makes me feel better to say it: Spit out the damn gum before church! You look like a couple of cows chawing on their cud and it's annoying and distracting as heck. A group of us refer to sitting near you as sitting in the pasture. Surely you can live without your beloved gum for 60-75 minutes. AACCKK! Also, do your husbands have some sort of genetic flaw that attracts them to gum-chewing women? It's amazing to me that both of them ended up married to gum smackers.

WTF (W=why) do friendships have to end? You ever have that feeling that a friend is slipping away and there's really nothing you can do to stop it? Nothing's happened, you're just drifting apart. It bites. Big time. But you can initiate contact, pay attention to them, stroke their ego only so many times before you figure your friendship just isn't that important to them.

WTF is wrong with Comcast? Those futhermuckers took away our G4! They moved it to the digital tier, so we lowly non-digital subscribers cannot get it any more. No more original Star Trek. No more Morgan Webb, my girl-crush. NO MORE NINJA WARRIOR!!!! What will I do without my Makoto Nagano?

WTF is with anyone who didn't guess MUSHROOMS yesterday for the bonus???
I. HATE. MUSHROOMS! I do not consume fungus. No athlete's foot; no jock itch; NO MUSHROOMS. So yes, that means I fooled around Monday morning. I saw PiC for the first time in many months. The stars, with a slight nudge, aligned and we were able to get together. We really need to do that more often. And you know what? It's not just the nookie, though that is always fabulous. It's how he kisses me, touches me, even how he holds my hand as we go upstairs. I missed that. A lot. ;-)

WTF?:

Thanks to Old Knudsen of Old Bitter Balls for this, erm, loverly picture.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

You asked, but it really isn't that interesting. The scoop on my latest "forbidden liaison:"

Not too much to tell, really. We met on AFF. We had dinner one night (like a real date!) and talked for a few hours. I wasn't feeling that spark of attraction and wasn't sure if I wanted to see him again. He is tall, fairly good looking, in excellent physical condition, but 49 and BLONDE. Blondes aren't always my thing. Guys that much older than me aren't always my thing, but like I said he is in excellent physical condition and this helps him to not look his age. It appears his marriages probably ended because he puts more time into being successful in his job (CEO of his own company) than being successful in marriage. I don't want to marry him, so this isn't an issue. So I did decide to see him again. Spark-free sex with a good-looking guy is still sex with a good-looking guy, right? We met at his place. More on that to follow.

He's been married twice and currently has a long-term girlfriend whose religious beliefs keep her from providing much in the way of sex. While I generally don't like to see single guys, the long-term girlfriend was close enough to being married. It would keep him from getting overly attached and gives him something to lose if our situation were to become known. Plus he is in a high-profile business situation where he might not want it known that he is a "player," so that helped too.

At his place we talked some more and it became apparent that he wasn't going to make the first move. So I did. We kissed. Not bad. We kissed some more. I felt like a high schooler, making out on the living room couch. I finally put his hand under my sweater, because I'm just impatient like that. (And his girlfriend was at church band practice and could be coming over within the nest hour to 90 minutes. No point wasting time.) That got the ball rolling. He dove right in, nuzzling, kissing, and sucking my breasts - that's what I was waiting for! It's kind of the test - you treat the girls right and you get to go further. If you don't treat the girls right, give them the attention they crave and deserve, you will be kicked to the curb. He passed the test.

We decided to move upstairs to his bedroom. He didn't need any more prompting. :-) He again dove right in, but I'm not talking about "the girls" anymore. Apparently he did learn a little something in two marriages - the man has a very talented tongue. It didn't take me long at all - sufficient time spent on my breasts means less work later! Apparently, I was having all the fun, because he was, ur, wasn't, um, well, you know. I was a bit concerned. After all, with the exception of Spousehole's erectile dysfunction issues I've discussed previously, I have very little experience with guys who aren't good to go after this much foreplay and such. My experiences tend more toward those like with PiC*, who is hard as a rock from the first kiss and that situation never changes until the main event has been concluded. If I was a heartless bitch, I would just say "Well I got mine, see you later. Good luck with that." But I am not that person. And it doesn't occur to me that this may be perfectly natural for a 49-year-old guy who is, for the first time, cheating on his girlfriend whose pictures are every. damn. where. No, it's clearly all about me. Of course my insecurities all rise to the surface. What goes through my head: "OMG, it must be because I'm too fat, I'm too ugly, I have all these stretch marks, I probably have bad breath -- wait, I know, it's that zit on the side of my nose that popped up this morning, isn't it? That must be it. OMG, I'm hideous!"

All that runs through my head, but mostly I take this as a challenge. I go with what I know is my best chance, the CPR of sexual moves: combined oral and manual stimulation. I start with my tongue on his balls, hand manipulating the joystick. BTW guys - a little manscaping can go a long way; just saying. Anyway, after a bit of this, we have a pulse, but it's weak. Stronger methods are definitely going to be necessary. The mouth and hand trade places. Alright, that's better now, definite "fluffing" going on. That's what we like to see! And what's that I hear - some gasping and moaning? Yes, this is what the doctor prescribed, no doubt. My original intent was to just get things in the proper condition then climb on top of that bad boy. But I was having so much fun I just couldn't bring myself to stop. Oral fixation: it can be a problem like that. So I continued and he didn't complain. At least I'm pretty sure those noises weren't complaints. ;-) How long did this go on? I have no idea. I didn't have my contacts in and I wasn't looking at the clock anyway. It lasted as long as it needed to last. It was a little while, but it paid off with his body-quaking, gasping-for-breath orgasm filling my throat. He kissed me (that's another key thing: if you won't kiss me after coming in my mouth, just take yourself to the curb and save me the trouble of kicking you there, 'k?) and held me as he caught his breath. Once able to speak again, he confessed his initial nervousness and tried to apologize for it. Of course, no apologies were necessary. Sheez.

After we dressed we kissed some more in the living room and agreed that there will be a next time. His girlfriend called and was leaving a message on the answering machine that she was leaving church as we were kissing, so I guess we timed that about right.

And you thought TMI was just for Tuesday.

*I've chatted with PiC more the last couple days than in a long while. Boy do I miss him!! Our schedules just haven't meshed at all since summer. For instance, he is off work right now because of a car accident and has had some time at home during the day without his wife and 4 kids when he could really use some company. I can't just leave my daughter at home by herself though, can I? Frustrating. If I could see him regularly, I wouldn't see anyone else. He's that hot and satisfies me that well.

Last night's dream

(HNT is down two)

I dreamed of him last night. I've not before, so it must be a sign that it's been too long. Dreamed of his masculine chest, his very hairy legs, the five o'clock shadow that forms 10 minutes after he's shaved. The contrast between his skin and mine, representing the extremes of the Caucasian spectrum. The gleam in his eye as he tells me about his fantasies, the things that would horrify his strait-laced wife. The childlike enthusiasm elicited by my willingness to make the fantasies come true. The smile, OMG, the smile that could get me to do almost anything. The sigh that escapes his lips when I tease his ass with my tongue, the immense pleasure he gets from doing the same to me, his finger sliding in as his tongue moves to pleasure other areas, as I suck and stroke his thick, rock-hard shaft . . .

Yeah, it's been way too long.

Some Clarifications

When I said "I ::heart:: PiC today" that does not mean that I've developed feelings, beyond lust, for him. I just meant that I appreciated him in that moment. I'm not going against my own "never get emotionally involved" advice. We are friends, who happen to get naked and have fun. Nothing more. I love my husband. Sometimes inexplicably, but I do.

Although I complained about Spousehole's not answering or even acknowledging simple questions, please note that in the particular situation I related, he was being a really good Dad. He washing barfy/diarrhea Boy while I changed the bedding. He is often a "hands-on" Dad and I appreciate it. He bathes children, he changes diapers, he roughhouses with the kids, and he does things like take the Girl onto the porch during a storm to watch lightning when I really want her out of my hair. He also was totally cool today with my getting out of the house for awhile (Boy is sick STILL, I needed a break). He took care of the kids and didn't complain one whit. Also, he has agreed that this illness of Boy's has been very hard on me and that I deserve a day or so away, on my own, to relax and rejuvenate when this illness is finally over. I know exactly what I want to do, if it can be worked out. We'll see. Anyway, he can be a good and helpful person. Who just doesn't want to have sex. (Sorry - had to throw that out there.)

And, finally, I will not be taking pictures in the periwinkle bra and panties at the same time and posting a full-length shot for HNT. Not going to happen. I like my breasts; I don't mind my bum; but the area in-between is not for the faint of heart. Stretch marks, c-section scars. No, that won't be posted. Ever.

Wednesday Mind Wanderings

Am I totally rockin' those fake sunglasses thingies
they give you after your eyes are dilated, or what?

__________________________

From this morning:

Boy is much perkier today. He actually wanted to put something in his stomach today, which is a big improvement. What he wanted was soy ice cream at 6:30 in the morning, but what the hey . . . at least he wanted to eat. I figured it would be okay just this once. Please don't tell the mommy police . . .

My mother is going to set foot in my house today. Third time in 2007! No wait . . . 4th. A minor miracle in itself. She lives 45 minutes away, but to hear her tell it she's practically a continent away. I have an ophthalmologist appointment today, so she's coming to watch the kids. She's not happy about it and will bitch about my imperfect housekeeping, but at least she's coming.

You have to understand my mom, who would never leave her house if she had the choice. She prefers that people come to her. When I lived in the same town, she still only set foot in my house maybe 10 times a year, not even once a month. Before I bought a house it was even less. When I went away to college, she came to campus 3 times in 4 years - and one of those was graduation. She never, ever saw where I lived in those 4 years. She'd pull up outside the buildings, but never got out of the car until graduation day. When I lived in Detroit (3 years), she visited twice - and one of those was for graduation. But she drives by herself to Iowa every year to visit her cousins, surviving aunts, and other assorted relatives. My sister and I know where we fall in the hierarchy.

I couldn't figure out why my nipples were so sore this morning. Walking around thinking "This is just weird. Kind of a good sore, but weird." Then I remembered, duh, PiC made me pinch and twist the heck out of them last night in a surprise, extended sexy IM session. Just when I think I'm bored of him and that he's reached the limit of his "freakiness," he surprises me by taking things a little further. I ::heart:: PiC today.

I had just wrapped up a chat with another friend and was headed to bed when PiC popped up on my screen. We haven't had a good IM session (more than hi, miss you, bye) in a long while. The stars apparently aligned, because both our families were in bed so we each had some time and some privacy. I won't get into much detail, but damn, I needed that. A bit of (tame) conversation:
(10:58:54 PM) PiC: I am such a perv
(10:59:22 PM) Bunny: No, not at all. Well, ok yes, but in a good way

Why can't my husband answer a simple yes/no question quickly? It just pisses me off sometimes. The other night, I was changing the bedding on my bed as Spousehole helped Boy clean up in the bathtub (Boy had thrown up all over my bed and himself). Standing at the linen closet, since I'm there anyway I asked "Honey, would you like a washcloth?" 15 seconds, silence. 30 seconds, nothing. 60 seconds, still nada. I sigh annoyedly (is that word?), close the linen closet door and return to my bedroom with the clean linens. Finally, I hear "Yeah Hon, that would helpful." He does that all the time. Like it takes a great deal of thought before he can answer a simple question. Others that have drawn this same extended silence before answering: "Do you have my car keys?" "Would you like some iced tea with dinner?" "I'm getting ice cream. Want some?" After waiting a bit, I usually just walk away. Then he gets huffy because I walked away before he could answer. It's like he's a computer that needs defragging or something. Can't access the needed information quickly.

I need a new pet. Someone to baby. My kids and my cats are sick of my babytalk and cooing. My daughter puts her finger on my lips and says "hush" when I babytalk her. The cats roll their eyes (I'm not kidding. They are the masters of the disdainful look. At 12, 9, and 9, they've heard it all and are no longer amused.) I really miss my dog. Perhaps a dog would be good. Or another rabbit. Dog would be better for the kids, they'd be too rough with a rabbit. And they want a dog BAD. They've been angling for one for quite some time. Just have to convince Spousehole. :)

Does it make me gay . . . ?

I was asked the question recently "Does it make me gay that I want things in my ass?"

The answer: No.

And to ward off any future questions:

Does it make you gay when you -

- eat quiche? NO

- want to touch my ass? NO

- want me to touch your ass? NO

- want to lick my ass? NO

- want me to lick your ass? NO

- want to put your fingers in my ass? NO

- want me to put my fingers in your ass? NO

- want to put your cock in my ass? NO

- want me to put toys in your ass? NO

- like wearing a pink shirt? NO

- how about a purple shirt? NO

- chartreuse shirt? maybe, but only because you said "chartreuse" and not green

None of these things make you gay. Want to know what makes a man gay? Here it is, once and for all:

It makes you gay if you are a man who prefers sex with men over sex with women and would choose a man for a life partner over a woman. That's it. That's what makes you gay. Notice I didn't say that you are gay if you enjoy sex with men. That's not it. It's PREFERRING sex with men over sex with women and PREFERRING a male life partner over a female life partner.

And what the fuck would be wrong with being gay anyway?

Okay, I'm done ranting now. Thank you for listening. Or reading. Or whatever.

Why Do People Cheat?

Interesting article by Dr. Laura Berman on why people cheat. It's a somewhat simplistic analysis, though that makes for a nice short article. She suggests that cheaters fall under one or more of the following categories: those feeling unappreciated by their partner, those seeking revenge on a cheating partner, and those bent on self-destruction because they cannot accept a good relationship.

I guess I fall under her first category, those who feel a need for appreciation. For a short time, I feel wanted, desired, and desirable when I am with PiC. He appreciates me and what I can do for him. I appreciate him and what he does for me. My husband, on the other hand, appreciates nothing I do. An example: Since having a second child, I have been washing and ironing his shirts at home, to save the money spent having them laundered. I hate it. Hate it. But his shirts need to be clean and pressed, so I do it. Yesterday I ironed seven shirts in the basement laundry room and carried them up to the living room on the main floor. Spousehole was sitting on the couch, watching the first Harry Potter movie for the umpteenth time. I handed him his shirts to take to the second floor and hang in our closet. He stared at me, initially refusing to take the shirts. He finally grabbed them, stomped upstairs, and yelled "What a lazy-ass bitch. You can't just carry them up one flight of stairs and hang them in the closet. Shit." No "Thanks honey for ironing my shirts for me, today and week in, week out, all year." Just bitching because I wanted him to carry them upstairs and hang them up.

Fuck him.

But I also see myself in her last category, those bent on self-destruction. I also seem to destroy the good things in my life. Maybe unconsciously I am looking to destroy my family. I sure hope not, but I could use some of the "love, praise, and affection" Dr. Berman suggests partners of a self-destructive person offer.

Her other category is revenge cheaters. There may be a little of that for me. Although he probably didn't complete the act, he wanted to and, I believe, intended to cheat on me. That's enough to spur me to revenge, I suppose.

If you have cheated, or have contemplated cheating, which category do you fall under? Or do your reasons not fit into Dr. Berman's simple framework?

A New Situation

A new situation has arisen and I'm not quite sure what to do with it or about it. Spousehole isn't angry, but he seems depressed.

When I came home Sunday night, after an impromptu rendezvous with PiC, Spousehole seemed really, really down. I thought perhaps he had some inkling of where I had been. But he doesn't usually hold that type of thing in. If he suspected something, he would confront me. That's his M.O.

This morning he seemed down before he went to work. He was also surprised to see me awake and dressed before 7:00 - I had to have some blood drawn and they required fasting so I wanted it done first thing in order to be able to eat. Anyway, he just seemed out of it, not himself. Not angry, just down.

I went out for lunch this afternoon and when I came home he was here and in bed - at 2:30 in the afternoon. I asked if he was okay and he said that he felt light-headed, dizzy. He wasn't terribly convincing. He seemed more like he just wanted to hide under the covers and not come out. I know that feeling, I've been there way, way too often.

He stayed in bed all afternoon, only emerging when I asked if he wanted dinner. Once dinner was ready, I asked again if he was okay, explaining that he seemed more depressed than usual. He shrugged his shoulders. I told him I was worried about him, because I love him. He smiled and continued serving himself. After dinner he seemed better, going to the boat store for some gel coat for the cat. He didn't want me to go with him, but he also didn't give me a list of things he'd like to see accomplished in his absence. Highly unusual.

I know this is a pointless post, but it's for me, not you all. Some people think aloud, I think here.

Edit: He got the gel coat and seems much happier outside working on the cat. I swear that damn boat makes him happier than I ever did. But the weirdness continues: I needed money to go get more dishwasher detergent (God forbid that I should wash those dishes by hand!) and he handed over the cash without complaint or grumbling. That's not like him at all. I reminded him that I love him before I left for the store and he smiled and said "I know you do." What does that mean? Or does it mean anything? Maybe I'm just overanalyzing this whole thing.

Sorry, No HNT, but here's something even more revealing. . . .

I have no HNT today, since I've been out. To make up for that, here's more than you ever, EVER, wanted to know about moi:

1. HAVE YOU GOTTEN LAID IN 2007?

Yes. Once with my husband (that's right, ONCE - in all of 2007) and, well, more than once with my partner in crime (PiC)

2. EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE?

Yes, in a park, in the car in a parking lot of a crowded club, on a golf course

3. EVER LAUGH DURING SEX?

Yes, many, many times

4. EVER CRY DURING SEX?

Yes, but only a couple times

5. DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE AFTER SEX?

Usually yes, but it depends

6. EVER REGRET SEX WITH SOMEONE?

More times than I care to admit

7. EVER FAKED AN ORGASM?

Yes, more times than I can count

8. DIRTY TALK, OR SHUT THE FUCK UP?

Each has its place

9. EVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX?

Yes; I call the results "Boy" and "Girl"

10. EVER MASTURBATE TO YOUR FRIEND'S SIGNIFICANT OTHER?

Probably, although I cannot recall a specific instance at the moment.

11. EVER HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND?

Yes.

12. EVER WATCH PORN DURING SEX?

Yes.

14. EVER THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE DURING SEX?

All the time.

15. HAS THE CONDOM EVER BROKEN?

No.

16. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE?

I passed gas just as my college boyfriend was about to enter me from the rear (doggy-style). I was mortified, he laughed his head off. His laughing got me laughing and we were still laughing hysterically when his roommate came in (we were lying flat with a sheet over us at that point). He told his roommate why we were laughing and I went back to being mortified as the two of them laughed and laughed. College boys are idiots. (No, I didn't dump him. We were together 4 more years.)

17. HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY?

Fifteen

18. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH RIGHT NOW?

(1) My spouse or (2) PiC; or (3) Angelina Jolie

19. DO YOU THINK THAT #18 IS POSSIBLE?

Nope. Not right now at least. Hopefully (1) and/or (2) will be in the very near future. PiC more likely than spouse. (3) - no, this is not possible.

20. ARE YOU HORNY NOW?

It's rare when I'm NOT, so I guess that's a yes. I mean, not overly so, but I could be quite easily persuaded.

21. HOW MANY SEXUAL PARTNERS?

If you mean intercourse, 17. If you include other sexual acts leading to at least one person having an orgasm, then I don't really know. The total would be at least twice as many as only counting intercourse.

22. DO YOU LIKE SEX IN THE CAR?

I used to, when I was young, skinny, and very limber, but now that I am old and decrepit, it's lost it's allure.

23. DO YOU STILL TALK TO THE PERSON YOU LOST VIRGINITY TO?

No. I never talked to him ever again after that night.

24. EVER HAVE SEX WITH A RELATIVE/FRIEND'S SIGNIFICANT OTHER?

No. Even I have standards. Very, very low standards, but standards nonetheless.

25. EVER BEEN WITH A CHEATER?

Yes.

26. TOYS, GOOD OR BAD?

Mostly good. Depends on how they're used and by whom.

27. LINGERIE?

Yes.

28. EVER SLEEP WITH A CO-WORKER?Yes, but I married him so it's ok. Of course, there was also the hot football player who worked for my parents when I was a teenager. And my boss at another job.
But that's all, I think. Well, no, my college boyfriend and I worked in the same cafeteria, so him too I suppose. But that's really it.

29. WHERE HAVE YOU HAD SEX?
(X)park
()church
()cemetery
(X)beach
(X)boat
()school
(X)parent's bed
(X)your bed
(X)car
()picnic table
(X)kitchen counter
(X)couch/chair
(X)dining room/kitchen table
(X)woods (open and/or in a tent)
(X)hood of a car
(X)bathroom
(X)shower
(X)bathtub
(X)the other person's bed
(X)porch/deck/balcony
(X)in a house with parents home
(X)at a party
()on top of the washer/dryer
(X)with other people in the room
(X)hotel
()concert
()grandparent's house
()field
()bleachers
()bookstore stock room
() linen closet

30. How many virgins have you "deflowered?"

5, including my spouse

I've seen different versions of these questions a few places, including Finished Last and Amy's Musings and thought I'd toss it out. I added a question. If you want to copy and do it too, please feel free. Add your own question too if you feel like it!

Much, MUCH Better . . .

Wow.

Just . . . wow.

Did I mention "wow"?

Oh my, I do love coming home like this: still sweaty . . . legs still a little shaky . . . relaxed and satisfied.

That'll teach Spousehole to go to the cottage without me.

Guilt, or Lack Thereof: Revisited

What I wrote a couple days ago: I thought I would feel guilty. I thought I would be ashamed. After all, I made a vow. But I don't feel guilty. I knew it was wrong, but it felt good so I went ahead anyway. That's the usual recipe for guilt (and disaster). But I can't find the guilt. It's just not here. And I know that that's a bad, bad thing.

Still not feeling the guilt. Still knowing I should feel guilty, but just don't. After all, adultery is a pretty major sin (although, really - are there minor ones?). I've never cheated on my husband before. At least not to this extent. Full-blown, no question of "is it really cheating?," skin-on-skin, multi-position, sweating, sighing, moaning, exchange-of-bodily-fluids adultery. And I can guarantee it won't be the last time.

I love my husband. I will never willingly leave him. We have two children together. In many ways, we are good together. But a woman can only take so much sexual rejection. There comes a time when you just want to be admired and desired; to touch and be touched; to please and be pleasured. I don't want to hurt my husband, even though he regularly hurts me. I really don't want to cause him pain.

My adultery is not my husband's fault. I make my own choices, good or bad. But a little more attention and affection might have prevented this. We were home alone, no kids, from Wednesday evening until Saturday morning. I gave him opportunities, I tried to initiate a little something-something, and finally just came right out and asked for it, but he just wasn't interested. He took me to dinner and a movie one night, we did some household projects together (our home is in a constant state of renovation), and generally got along well. He wasn't unhappy with me. He just didn't want to have sex. Again. It's such a blow to my ego and self-esteem every time. Intellectually, I know it's not really me (though he sometimes says it is). I know that "performance anxiety" is an issue ever since his vasectomy. I addressed this briefly once before. I've suggested he talk to his doctor, but he's just too embarrassed to even acknowledge with me that there's a problem.

That was the turning point for me. I've been on the edge of the abyss for awhile. I joined a "hook-up" type web site a few months ago. I've emailed and chatted with a few people. I had been dancing around a meet-up with one guy. We had talked on the phone. Still trying to decide if I really wanted to go through with anything. On Saturday, my husband left to go up north to be with our kids and his siblings for Father's Day at his parents'. I stayed behind to spend Father's Day with my beloved Daddy. But that gave me all Saturday afternoon and evening with no husband, no kids.

I met up with the guy. Married with little to no sex, like me. We talked some more. God or fate or whatever even gave me another "out." Before things had gone beyond the point of no return, the guy and I were talking about church (yes, we're both Christians. Also sinners, obviously. Are you not? Then put the stones away.). He asked which church I belong to and I told him. He got a funny look on his face, was quiet for a moment, and finally asked "So do you know "Jane Smith?" I replied that I did, pretty well in fact, and he said "That's my sister-in-law. . . My wife's twin sister." I sat slack-jawed for a moment. You have to understand, our metropolitan area has between 500,000 and 1.3 million people, depending on how many communities you choose to include in the metro area. We'll go conservative with 500,000. Out of that many people, what are the odds that I will not only know the wife of the guy I'm considering hooking up with, but have worked on a couple projects with her, bought subs from her sons, and our daughters enjoy playing together? I shit you not. She doesn't attend our church, but has helped her sister out with stuff that I also work on. So that was my "out." I could've said "Gee, I know and like your wife. I just can't do this." I considered my options and didn't take the out (and neither did he). I can't say God didn't give me a chance. I chose my fate.

Quote of the day: "Your husband turns this down? He's insane."

Saturday, I teetered on the edge and then plunged head first into the abyss. It's dark, but not cold. Pretty darn hot, in fact. And I like it. Question is, will God forgive that for which I do not repent?

Guilt, or lack thereof

I thought I would feel guilty. I thought I would be ashamed. After all, I made a vow. But I don't feel guilty. I knew it was wrong, but it felt good so I went ahead anyway. That's the usual recipe for guilt (and disaster). But I can't find the guilt. It's just not here. And I know that that's a bad, bad thing.