Is it a sex blog? A mommy blog? A bitch & moan blog? Um, . . . yeah. This is my place to be totally honest. In my real life, I feel like I'm always lying to somebody about something. Here, I am totally honest. Brutally so. However, no matter what bad things I say about my kids, I adore them and would never ever really, say, sell them on Ebay. The husband, often referred to as Spousehole, is another story. Oh yeah - if you are under 18 (or if you are my husband), please leave now.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Guilt, or Lack Thereof: Revisited

What I wrote a couple days ago: I thought I would feel guilty. I thought I would be ashamed. After all, I made a vow. But I don't feel guilty. I knew it was wrong, but it felt good so I went ahead anyway. That's the usual recipe for guilt (and disaster). But I can't find the guilt. It's just not here. And I know that that's a bad, bad thing.

Still not feeling the guilt. Still knowing I should feel guilty, but just don't. After all, adultery is a pretty major sin (although, really - are there minor ones?). I've never cheated on my husband before. At least not to this extent. Full-blown, no question of "is it really cheating?," skin-on-skin, multi-position, sweating, sighing, moaning, exchange-of-bodily-fluids adultery. And I can guarantee it won't be the last time.

I love my husband. I will never willingly leave him. We have two children together. In many ways, we are good together. But a woman can only take so much sexual rejection. There comes a time when you just want to be admired and desired; to touch and be touched; to please and be pleasured. I don't want to hurt my husband, even though he regularly hurts me. I really don't want to cause him pain.

My adultery is not my husband's fault. I make my own choices, good or bad. But a little more attention and affection might have prevented this. We were home alone, no kids, from Wednesday evening until Saturday morning. I gave him opportunities, I tried to initiate a little something-something, and finally just came right out and asked for it, but he just wasn't interested. He took me to dinner and a movie one night, we did some household projects together (our home is in a constant state of renovation), and generally got along well. He wasn't unhappy with me. He just didn't want to have sex. Again. It's such a blow to my ego and self-esteem every time. Intellectually, I know it's not really me (though he sometimes says it is). I know that "performance anxiety" is an issue ever since his vasectomy. I addressed this briefly once before. I've suggested he talk to his doctor, but he's just too embarrassed to even acknowledge with me that there's a problem.

That was the turning point for me. I've been on the edge of the abyss for awhile. I joined a "hook-up" type web site a few months ago. I've emailed and chatted with a few people. I had been dancing around a meet-up with one guy. We had talked on the phone. Still trying to decide if I really wanted to go through with anything. On Saturday, my husband left to go up north to be with our kids and his siblings for Father's Day at his parents'. I stayed behind to spend Father's Day with my beloved Daddy. But that gave me all Saturday afternoon and evening with no husband, no kids.

I met up with the guy. Married with little to no sex, like me. We talked some more. God or fate or whatever even gave me another "out." Before things had gone beyond the point of no return, the guy and I were talking about church (yes, we're both Christians. Also sinners, obviously. Are you not? Then put the stones away.). He asked which church I belong to and I told him. He got a funny look on his face, was quiet for a moment, and finally asked "So do you know "Jane Smith?" I replied that I did, pretty well in fact, and he said "That's my sister-in-law. . . My wife's twin sister." I sat slack-jawed for a moment. You have to understand, our metropolitan area has between 500,000 and 1.3 million people, depending on how many communities you choose to include in the metro area. We'll go conservative with 500,000. Out of that many people, what are the odds that I will not only know the wife of the guy I'm considering hooking up with, but have worked on a couple projects with her, bought subs from her sons, and our daughters enjoy playing together? I shit you not. She doesn't attend our church, but has helped her sister out with stuff that I also work on. So that was my "out." I could've said "Gee, I know and like your wife. I just can't do this." I considered my options and didn't take the out (and neither did he). I can't say God didn't give me a chance. I chose my fate.

Quote of the day: "Your husband turns this down? He's insane."

Saturday, I teetered on the edge and then plunged head first into the abyss. It's dark, but not cold. Pretty darn hot, in fact. And I like it. Question is, will God forgive that for which I do not repent?


Chelle said...

I have asked myself that question a few times myself!! All I can say is...I hope so! :)

(I, too, an a Christian......and obviously a sinner. *putting away stones* lol)

crse said...

Oh sunshine, I could write volumes here but I wont. I do think that a loving God would understand why you need to do this. I think being honest in your praying (PRIVATELY) and just telling God where you are at with it all will help with the sense of being ok with it by realizing that you really did what you could and that you are in essence saving your marriage (because ive seen the effects this constant strain can have on a marriage)by meeting a need that needs met. Good luck sunshine.

JeannieGrrl said...

Oh babygrrl, I won't ever judge you or condemn you I only beg that you be SO careful for you and for your kids. I would hate to see anyone get hurt... Please stay safe.

jsull28fl@yaho said...

Any "christian" that claims not to be also a sinner should be stoned first. Its a tough questin you ask really. If he truely had opportunities and turned them down the whats a person to do?
Anyone who would judge you is a fake and phoney so carry on.
Be Safe.

Trueself said...

No stones here, definitely not. And I too must say that I certainly hope He forgives such things or I have nothing.

(another Christian, and sinner, and human)

Dial-Up Princess said...

No stones here either.
I understand, I was married to someone who had treated me in a similar way.
Just be careful. :)

ArtfulSub said...

Wow. That was personal. Moving on to your question:

1) You don't have to experience pop/psych "feelings" of guilt in order to repent of what you know to be a sin.

2) All sin for all time can be wiped clean by Christ's shed blood at Calgary. Including yours. Seek his guidance.

3) Think of sin as a rebellion against God and not a betrayal of a human being, your husband. That might put "feelings of guilt" versus the true reason for repentance in a different light.

4) King David was one of the biggest sinners ever. He not only committed adultery with Bathsheba, he had her husband killed in an especially cowardly and despicable manner.

5) Read one of David's many Psalms of repentance and you'll see that it was God-Focused, not focused on the humans he betrayed.

6) I know NOTHING about your husband, the human being. But, as a Christian I do know the Lord Jesus Christ who loves you and wants to forgive you.

Hope that helps. You can be forgiven without ever feeling "guilt" but you really should repent.


Anonymous said...

I'm a pastor ... been there done that ... it is a common occurance ... too often churches preach a message that is unrealistic, unhelpful and openly hurtful ...

marriages ebb and flow and sometimes wilt and die ... yours in a place where you are unfulfilled ... you are not alone ... hang in there girl.

Anonymous said...

I think the "sin" in this posting is not your action - you are a human being, and human beings are sexual animals - we NEED sex. (I know I do) ...

The sin is that we've been conditioned by our society and our church to feel pressure in and around our sexuality. Your husband needs to get over his hang ups - and his adultery. Internet porn and whacking off to it is a form of adultery ... he's neglecting you in the process.

You need sex with a warm, living breathing responsive person - you want it to be your hubby - BUT ... the problem is his.

I would suggest talking to him about your frustrations, or pulling the pin on your marriage and saying to him honestly and openly - "I NEED sex ..." you can remain friends, yet end the marriage and you find what you need, desire and deserve ...

I understand why you feel no guilt. I'm in the same place ... I've not found the woman I'd be comfortable having that fling with ... you go girl.

God gave us sexuality as a gift - it is celebrated by being enacted ... tell your hubby to stop using his left hand and use you more ... or else !!!

p.s. - love the quotation - I'd share his sentiment !!!

sophry said...

Bunny you have such a lot of love & support here & I add mine. Guilt is self-punishment for the gap between what you are/do/think/feel & what an external source leads you to believe you should be/do/think/feel. You perhaps don't have any because you know you acted as your authentic self, with no need for judgement...if we all did that, shrinks would be out of a job. I'm not a religious person but I do live by self-love & forgiveness. I posted a thought about infidelity the same day as yours...It's just another way of looking at 'reality'. Be safe & be happy.

Anonymous said...

I am teetering on the same ledge and, honestly, making plans to take that next step. It isn't that I don't love my man. It isn't that I want to break up our family. I just have needs that aren't being met. I completely understand your situation and there will be no judging from me.

Professor Fate said...

My stones are out just because I live in a glass house. ;)

I loved my wife. I wouldn't hurt her. We have two wonderful girls together. We were good together. I choose to break my vow to God because she didn't put out (or even share a bed with me). I thought that my girls should see us happy rather than not.

I completely understand the situation and don't know if I could have walked away. I could had to avoid those situations because I couldn't trust myself. Now, I just don't trust my ex.

Naughty Endevours said...

I'm so glad I clicked on this link from your post today.

Sometimes, we hear something or read something that really hits home.