Is it a sex blog? A mommy blog? A bitch & moan blog? Um, . . . yeah. This is my place to be totally honest. In my real life, I feel like I'm always lying to somebody about something. Here, I am totally honest. Brutally so. However, no matter what bad things I say about my kids, I adore them and would never ever really, say, sell them on Ebay. The husband, often referred to as Spousehole, is another story. Oh yeah - if you are under 18 (or if you are my husband), please leave now.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Beautiful Day

Could this weather be any better? Here in lovely lower Michigan it's about 70, mostly sunny, PERFECT. This is my kind of day. Not too hot, not too cold, no precip, PERFECT. Wings are even in their series with the Sharks and I have dreams of Stanley once again. And it gets better. The two-year-old went down for her nap with no help from me whatsoever. No cuddling, no go-sleepy-drive, nothing - she just fell asleep on the living room floor all by herself. Such a change from last week's run of five days straight with NO NAP AT ALL. That was awful. She was nearly impossible to live with. One of those days last week I drove the kids around for over an hour and she still wouldn't sleep. With gas prices at $3.00/gal that's just not cool. Plus my deal with Boy is that if he behaves during a go-sleepy-drive he gets a Slurpee (or equivalent frozen beverage), so it cost me for that too. Since she never actually went to sleep, Girl had to have one also. Today is much better. I think I'll throw some sort of animal on the grill for dinner to celebrate. Dead cow sounds good, don't you think? I think so. Dead fish would be even better, but I don't have any in the freezer and I can't run to the store because THE GIRL IS ASLEEP. Dead cow will do.

Fantasy Revenge Fuck

Ok, I got a couple emails and one comment asking about the bad news guy. We'll call him FantasyRevengeDude, FRD for short. Please remember, I do not know this person; he's just my fantasy revenge fuck because Spousehole hates him so much. He was Spousehole's co-worker for several years. Although he's younger than Spousehole, he was above him in the food chain. Spousehole didn't like him because he was young and arrogant, but he didn't hate him. Then they had some kind of run-in on a project, FRD got pissy with Spousehole and outright hatred erupted. Apparently nobody really liked FRD, but they respected him because he was good at his job, had the confidence to say what others wished they could, and seemed to have his shit together: good job skills, nice wife, cute kids, Boy Scout volunteer, fancy new house, etc. Even Spousehole admired him at least a little. Then earlier this year FRD was out of the office for a few days, but no one thought much of it. One morning Spousehole and a couple other people got emails from a former co-worker who is now at a different but connected workplace. Former co-worker just said "want to know where [FRD] is?" and sent a link. The link was to FRD's page in our state's Offender Tracking System. They were shocked to see that FRD had recently been convicted of CSC2 - criminal sexual conduct. They were all wondering how the hell that could've happened - was he drinking or doing drugs and they just couldn't tell? WtF? I got a call asking me to look into it, since I still know lots of people in that county's court system (that's where I practiced, way back when). I learned that FRD had been sexually involved with his 14-yr-old stepdaughter the prior year and was, at that moment, in the county lock-up for a probation violation. Interestingly, FRD was arrested and charged with CSC1 the previous March and no one in the office knew. It's amazing that this guy went 9 months with his life turned upside down - arrested, forced to leave his home, charged with a capital felony, in danger of losing his freedom and his children - and no one had a clue. That takes balls. He plead down to CSC2 about 6 weeks before and had apparently had a electronic ankle bracelet after sentencing and no one noticed. Spousehole and co-workers said he showed no signs of added stress or anything. Their boss must not have known either. When he announced to the staff that FRD would not longer be employed there "due to personal matters he needs to address," the boss looked pale and like he was going to puke. I get the impression that FRD was his "boy" and he was devastated to learn that his boy was capable of such a thing. To my mind, Spousehole and co-workers were enjoying the thought of FRD in lock-up a little too much, but whatever. I don't know the dude, they do. Eventually I got copies of pertinent pages from the court file , just so they'd know what they had been dealing with. That's how I saw FRD's booking picture - kind of cute, nice smile (yes, he's smiling in his booking shot; who smiles? One is usually guilt-ridden or terrified in those shots, but this guy is smiling. Weird.) Spousehole insists I met his guy, but I think I would've remembered. Picture didn't look familiar. After reviewing the info I got, Spousehole said he actually felt a little sorry for the guy. After all, Spousehole seems to get brief obsessions with teenage hotties himself - he just doesn't act on them. He currently drools over a 14-yr-old who, even I must admit, does have an amazing body. But she's 14! The second she opens her mouth you know you're dealing with a child. As usual, I digress. The co-workers all seems to think FRD will land on his feet. He apparently has mad bullshitting skillz and they think he could talk his way into a new job, new girlfriend, new life. I don't know; a felony conviction and a sex offender registry listing can make that difficult. If he'd just plead down to csc3, a misdemeanor, getting a job would be much easier. Prosecutor must've had a good case for CSC1 and felt defendant didn't have much remorse to only agree to plead down to CSC2. First offense you can often get down to a misdemeanor. Plus, if it was just some girl he met at the mall, it would be just a misdemeanor. It was a felony because they were members of the same household. Maybe the wife/victim's mother pushed for the felony. She probably wanted to cut off his balls, puree them in the blender and make him drink 'em. I would. Who knows? As usual, none of this is any of my business, but it plays into my life because of Spousehole's enduring hatred for the guy. Spouse hates him, he's a bit of a sexual deviant, he's arrogant and I get off on arrogance -hence, he's my fantasy revenge fuck. Make sense? I didn't think so.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Two Blokes and Fuckload of Cutlery

We saw Hot Fuzz Friday – hilarious! It's a British farcical take on American cop buddy movies, such as Lethal Weapon, Point Break, Bad Boys I and II, and others. It's from the Shaun of the Dead people and has more than a few references to that movie as well. Simon Pegg is fabulous as the lead character and the rest of the cast is great too. Timothy Dalton is particularly smarmy and slimy as the town grocer. A much better fit for him than Bond. Hey, wouldn't he make a cool villain in a Daniel Craig Bond film? But I digress. Pegg is a London police officer who kicks ass and takes names, making everyone else look like slackers. He is transferred, against his wishes, to a small village a couple hundred kilometres outside London; basically a whole different world. The climactic shoot-out scenes are worth the price of admission alone. I highly recommend it. It's rated R for language and gore, but I found the gore to be cartoonish, Monty Python-type stuff.

We also got The 40-Year-Old Virgin from Netflix. I found it funny, but I think it hit a little too close to home for Spousehole. You must remember, he was The 30-Year-Old Virgin when we met. He even said some of the same things that Steve Carell's character does in the movie: “I respect women too much to . . .” “After a while it just didn't happen and I stopped trying . . . “ and more. Spousehole didn't have a car (motorcycle though, not a bicycle), had several action figures, and, most importantly, STILL has an Asia poster hanging in his workshop in the basement. I shit you not.

Funny movies aside, the weekend didn't go as well as would have liked. No sex and not much sleep either. Friday night we actually slept in the same bed, but even I was too tired for sex. Saturday we did a bunch of home improvement projects that had needed doing for a long time, I made shrimp scampi with linguine for dinner, and we watched the movie. He played Halo while I cleaned up the kitchen and I said I was going upstairs and would see him shortly; he agreed. A couple hours later, he's still playing fucking Halo. At midnight I said “Fuck you” and left. Went to a bar and alternated tequila shots and Diet Coke till they threw us out at 2:30 a.m. I met a guy who wanted to know if we could go back to my place. I laughed and said I didn't think my husband would be thrilled. Guy was all “You're married??” and I pointed out the wedding ring I had taken no steps to disguise. He was like, “Boy, I'm observant, huh?” We had a good laugh, agreed we had fun talking and playing trivia games and said goodnight. Some potential adulterer I am. Lame. I went home, but just couldn't sleep. Probably because I was too revved up from being angry and hurt that asshole chose Halo over me. And too much caffeine. Also trying to sleep in Boy's bed instead of my own. I slept 2 hours or less. Spousehole never asked where I went or what I did. Don't think he even cares, though he did take me to breakfast Sunday morning – his version of an apology. After breakfast, I went back to bed. I think even he skipped church. A rare event indeed. Though that's where he and the children are now. He's got Sr. High Youth (the 'utes, we call them, as in “the 2 'utes” in My Cousin Vinny. Makes more sense if you hear it rather than read it). He took the children, who returned from grandma's at 3:00, to child care there so I could have some peace and quiet. Another way for Spousehole to apologize without actually saying “I fucked up, I'm sorry.” Idiot.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Scratching an itch

Boy and Girl are going away for the weekend!! I'm very excited. Their paternal grandparents just got back from wintering at their oceanfront condo in Florida (poor dears) and want to take the children for the weekend. Who are we to argue? In fact, when the grandparents stopped by on their way up north earlier in the week, Boy thought he should go with them right then. He kept disappearing upstairs, then we realized he had changed his clothes, put on socks and shoes, gathered his favorite toys, and put on a cap. He was ready. When we explained that he had school the rest of the week and couldn't go until Friday, he was devastated. He moped around for a couple hours after the grandparents left. Boy should be ecstatic today when they take him soon after he gets home from school.

This will be the first time Spousehole and I have had the house to ourselves in months. Hopefully I'll get some of the two things I've been missing in my life: sex and sleep. Or at least the sleep. The other may not happen; we've been fighting a lot again lately. He's back on his thing about not being able to love me if I can't keep the house better, etc. He always says he doesn't want me to be like his mother, then he expects me to do things just like his mother. Well, I'm not her. My house isn't spotless and probably never will be. Even he admits going to his parents' homes (they have 3) is like visiting a model home or condo – it doesn't look like anyone really lives there. It's cold, impersonal, and too perfect. I never want my home to be like that.

When we argued this past weekend, Spousehole told me that he really wouldn't care if I had an affair. How's that for proving he doesn't really give a shit about me? One of these days I'm going to take him up on that. Not a love affair, mind you, just a no feelings, down and dirty, nasty booty call kind of thing. I've even fantasized about a guy who would be perfect for this, in a totally inappropriate kind of way. I probably wouldn't actually like him, but he has one redeeming feature: Spouse absolutely hates this guy. I've never even met him, only seen his booking picture (I told you he was bad news!). He did something despicable and disgusting, but fucking him would definitely get a reaction from Spousehole. Besides, I've always had a thing for inappropriate guys. When I was in college, there was this guy that everybody hated. He was good looking, but arrogant and obnoxious. We'll call him Richard. I couldn't stand him either, but was still very attracted to him. One of those repulsion/attraction things. My friends said I'd never follow through, that I wouldn't be able to stand having to talk to him just to get laid. That's a dare if I've ever heard one. One Saturday night, I could see across the courtyard that Richard was in his room, alone. I threw back a couple vodka-tonics, made my way to the south wing of our building, happened to pass his open door and struck up a conversation with Richard. Soon, after a quick wave to my friends on the north side of the courtyard, I closed the blinds and got what I was hankering for all those months. It was actually pretty good; for a self-centered jerk he was not exactly selfish, if you know what I mean. The only awkward moments were when his suitemate wanted to use the bathroom while we were in the shower and when Richard wanted me to stay all night. But I had gotten what I wanted and was ready to leave. Sometimes you just have to scratch the itch and it goes away.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Now here's an idea . . .

Maybe the Chinese are on to something here.

Thanks to all who are following me from the old place, hope you like the new spot better. Remember to bookmark this page!! For anybody who is new, I am a midwestern mom with two kids and one husband (would anyone really want more than one??), to whom I often refer as Spousehole. Despite a professional degree, I have chosen to stay home with my kids until they are both in school full-time. Continuing readers know that I am a little (?) nuts and will say horrible things about my children and spouse, but mostly I don't mean them. What's a blog for if not to release a little steam?? My language can be a little rough at times and I post about my (mostly non-existent) sex life and my ridiculous fantasies and day dreams. I'm a lousy housekeeper, I like to cook (I sometimes post recipes), and I enjoy the following: reading with my kids, hockey, baking, comedies, chocolate, Diet Coke (never Pepsi), 24, House, and Prison Break (the latter I can watch with the sound off; I just want to fantasize about Wentworth Miller). Thanks for stopping by!