Is it a sex blog? A mommy blog? A bitch & moan blog? Um, . . . yeah. This is my place to be totally honest. In my real life, I feel like I'm always lying to somebody about something. Here, I am totally honest. Brutally so. However, no matter what bad things I say about my kids, I adore them and would never ever really, say, sell them on Ebay. The husband, often referred to as Spousehole, is another story. Oh yeah - if you are under 18 (or if you are my husband), please leave now.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Bunny in Bad, Bad Place

Still no DSL, but the phone company dude was just arriving on my street when I left the house, so there is hope.

I'm in a real bad place today. I mean, physically I'm just at the library - a good place, but emotionally I'm in a terrible place. Too much time this weekend to contemplate the state of my life and marriage has left me miserable. I don't even know how to put them into words, these emotions I am feeling. My husband told me he loved me last night, but I can't believe that. I asked him not to say it anymore, because it just gives me hope and I cannot take having my hopes crushed any further. He says it, but his actions say otherwise. I don't see a man who loves me. I see a man who doesn't want to lose my friendship and companionship, is used to me as part of his life and doesn't like change. I am his companion and possession, not his partner or his lover. He told me that if I chose to sleep with other men, he would be disappointed but could understand and we'd get through it.

Disappointed? That's all I get?

Not hurt? Not angry? And he said it so dispassionately that it just killed me.

It seems that all I ever do is disappoint him. I never meet his expectations and never will.

I'm tired. Physically and emotionally exhausted. Skipped church today because I just couldn't handle it. Needed to have communion with God in a different way. Went to the gym instead and worked myself until I could barely move. I felt better for a while, but it didn't last.

And yes, I am taking my antidepressants. Sometimes it's not the brain chemistry that's the problem, sometimes it's the situation.

He just called me (from his cell, so phone service must not be up yet) and ordered me to come home. He hung up on me, so clearly he's pissed about something. Great. Just what I need today.
I guess I better get home and have this fight, whatever it may be about.

7 comments:

Edtime Stories said...

I feel bad for you dear....wish I could help you out in this, but if he is fighting maybe he will at least communicate.

Sue said...

I can relate to so much of what you write. Sometimes our situations are so damn similar. I just read your post from yesterday and it was like reading something I'd written myself.

Lots of hugs.

George said...

Hi kid ... it is so sad to have to live the way you are enduring it. Ordering you? What ... does he think that because he goes to church so much that he is some kind of god?

I read a couple of bloggers who have marriage problems and all of you are married to devout church goers

Looks like that is the problem ... hook up with a heathen like myself and you'll be OK

Chelle said...

Sometimes it's not the brain chemistry that's the problem, sometimes it's the situation.

How true is that? SOmetimes no matter HOW many antidepressants you might take.....it doesn't help he sadness/depression. I know that feeling well!

Vixen said...

***hugs***

Sometimes it is the situation and not the head.

Hang in there.

crse said...

Im sorry sweetie. I think you do need time to yourself. All this crap is hard enough when you have support....I had to laugh at george's comment about hooking up with a heathen. But it is truly sad what you are enduring...

Ron Burgundy said...

I'm very sorry to hear how things are for you right now and hope things get better.