Is it a sex blog? A mommy blog? A bitch & moan blog? Um, . . . yeah. This is my place to be totally honest. In my real life, I feel like I'm always lying to somebody about something. Here, I am totally honest. Brutally so. However, no matter what bad things I say about my kids, I adore them and would never ever really, say, sell them on Ebay. The husband, often referred to as Spousehole, is another story. Oh yeah - if you are under 18 (or if you are my husband), please leave now.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Why Do I Give Him This Power Over Me?

Why do I let Spousehole do this to me? Why do I give him that power?

I was having a pretty good day. Playing and goofing around with my daughter, jamming to the Schoolhouse Rock DVD. Brought back memories for me, she loved all the number-related videos. Got a lot done around the house. Had a fun IM chat with someone fairly new (though he moves a little fast for me- a few emails and a couple IM chats and he wants to meet at a local hot tub place already . . . ). Boy wasn't so anxious as he has been, ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in at least a year . . . . Just an all-around pretty good day.

Then right after my post about my dream last night (see below), Spousehole manages to bring me down again and I'm on the verge of tears.

He took off his wedding ring again.

I have no idea why. The house is cleaner than usual, I made a nice dinner (steak and potatoes - a manly man meal), his underwear is clean and in the drawer (not folded; if he wants 'em folded he can do that himself), I haven't spent any of "his" money, I offered helpful and insightful advice (when ASKED) about a situation he has at work . . . I don't know WTF I did wrong. It may have to do with something this weekend. I left my phone on the kitchen counter, charging, and he was apparently in the kitchen when it indicated a text was received. Later, while we were out for ice cream, he asked, nonchalantly, "So who is A and why did he text you XYZ?" I told him that A is just a friend (true). When he looked skeptical, I explained further that he (Spousehole) has nothing to worry about, A is no threat to our marriage or anything (also true). I closed by telling him that I love him and only him and that no friendship is going to change that (again, completely true). He seemed ok with that, acknowledging his own opposite gender friends that he expects me to not be concerned about. But then when my phone rang the other night, he said in a snarky voice "Oh, is that A calling to say good night?" (It was not. It was another male friend calling to talk about his wife's latest outrage, but I didn't explain that.)

But would that be enough to make him take off his wedding ring? I don't know. I'm almost afraid to ask. Screaming, furious Spousehole I've gotten used to. Quietly angry (enough to take off his wedding ring) Spousehole frightens me.

He sure does know how to fuck up an otherwise good mood.


rob said...

Not sure what to suggest, except to try not to think in terms of what you, an adult, have "done wrong." Relationships are so complicated, and every one's unique, and everybody is crazy once you get to know them. I wish you luck.

George said...

Sweetie I know you haven't done anything wrong ... you should not think that way. I find with people like spousehole, it takes nothing at all to set them off ... that nothing at all could come from you or a kid walking across the street too slowly.

Maybe he forgot to put it back on after he finished banging the chick he picked up?

That's supposed to make you smile or something

Sue said...

It's easier for me to look at this from the outside and say..."It's all on him"...and tell you it's nothing you did. It probably isn't. He's reacting to something, God only knows what. And you can't change his reaction. Maybe if you just ignore the fact that he's done this and do your best to go about life as though nothing has happened, he'll get over whatever is bothering him and put his ring back on. Maybe?

But look who is giving you this advice.

Ahh, we all have our own triggers though, and if Paul and I were married and he took off his wedding band as a show of being pissed at something...his nice clean underwear wouldn't be in his drawer anymore. They'd be frozen to the f-in bushes.


ATLLG said...

I just don't get it... but here is another thought.... Could you attempt ( nice word ) to not let him taking it off mess with your head so much? Maybe that is why he does it. He should really look into some medications... I'm nearly a changed man. And uhhh... I still get perfect errections so that line is just BS. Anywho too much TMI.

But I really like george's question.

Lady in red said...

hi thanx for visiting my blog :-)

I used to give SF (shit face) that power until one day I woke up and decided enough was enough

but my situation was different as I didn't love SF just stayed with him because .....

Anonymous said...

That is a curious one...

Mine is very loose fitting, but have probably had it off for a total of five minutes in 12 years.

A coy, well placed question, could be the answer.

Or just keep an eye on him.

Oh yeah, and a trip to Iowa to visit your relatives...alone...

Kitty said...

Bunny he does this shit to get a reaction from you. Quit reacting. Concentrate on something you love and enjoy. When you quit reacting he will stop. He is fishing for affirmation Bunny. Dont mention the ring, but find other things (no matter how little) to sincerely thank or praise him for.

Big hugs to you.

Hank said...


Anonymous said...

Takes off wedding ring, regularly sneers at and blatantly insults you, takes your children away and leaves you crying in the driveway, controls you with guilt and hostility, witholds physical affection...

...what exactly will it take for you to leave this jackass?

sandy shoes said...

Not sure what to suggest either. I don't know how long you stay in a situation like that before you don't even recognize yourself and it's too late to get out :(.


I Would not give him the satisfaction of knowing it bothers you..sounds like to me, he is just trying to get a rise out of you.

SM said...

Once again I'll be blunt. You are cheating on him and wonder what you've done wrong?

He sounds like an asshole, but he also sounds smart. He suspects it or knows it already. Regardless of his past actions or behavior, you know deep down it is wrong and ultimately, I believe you are paying for it.

Break the cycle and make a change or you can expect the rest of your experience with him as miserable, if not worse than it is now.

Also, if I may add - make the change before your children are old enough to cause you serious problems. Teens are vindictive and will take this all out on you in ways you haven't even fathomed. You think your spousehole is passive-aggressive? Just wait until hormones mix with innocence and anger.

I'm not supporting his behavior, but in my eyes, you are now enabling it and can no longer blame him completely for how crappy things are.

I really hope things work our for you but if I may say, "Grow a pair, take a stand, and cut this loser out NOW!"

Renee said...

Yeah, quiet anger is frustrating. That's the route my H takes. And every time I think I know what the problem is, I'm wrong. Or so he says. Whatever.

I try not to put the fault of his bad moods on myself. It's hard not to do that though, right? He's supposedly an adult and should find an adult way to communicate.

Really just wanted to give you some {{{HUGS}}}.

Vixen said...



There are so many times I read your blog and think that I have written very similar ones in my past. No man, NOBODY should make someone feel as shitty as he does you. It's just not right.

The wedding ring? Fuck him. I know that is harsh but he pisses me off. It seems he's doing it TO make you worry and obsess about what you *might* have done wrong. You haven't done anything wrong. Tell him to get over himself. Or better yet, don't. Just ignore it. Act like it doesn't bother you.


crse said...

I agree that he is doing it for a reaction. You know how we handle this when other spoiled little brats do this? We use "Planned ignoring" and put the behavior on "extinction". Even the slightest reaction can be reinforcing. I think you need to open up a little OKMA on the spousehole.

Charlie said...

good god. know that scenario all too well. they manipulate and make you question every little thing you do and even if nothing is your fault it turns out that they manage to make you feel like it is.

you shouldt put up with that. as alot of these guys have said, he does it to get a reaction. dont give him the satisfaction. easier said than done i know. as Os would say, sending all the good ju ju i have your way x

Lady in red said...

having read back quite a few of your recent posts it doesn't look too healthy there to me

I have been there and got the T-shirt I also know how hard it is to break away from this cycle.

Dates Bubbas said...

The only person who can answer why you let him have power over you is you, but you knew that already.

I agree with sm and anonymous said...

ArtfulSub said...

Just curious. Has the Spousehole ever summoned up the cajones to just TELL YOU that he doesn't think you should have male friends?

Rather than being a passive-aggressive freak?

Richard said...

Don't understand why the two of you are together.

gretty said...

Why are you even trying to make this ass happy? The harder you try the more suspicious he will become.
Get the hell outta there - you can come stay with me!

Jaded Bunny said...

Seems like there is a huge breakdown in communication.

Why can't you say:

"Dude! Why in the fuck did you take off your wedding ring??!"

Granted I've only read as far as this post.

And I'll be on my way now.