Is it a sex blog? A mommy blog? A bitch & moan blog? Um, . . . yeah. This is my place to be totally honest. In my real life, I feel like I'm always lying to somebody about something. Here, I am totally honest. Brutally so. However, no matter what bad things I say about my kids, I adore them and would never ever really, say, sell them on Ebay. The husband, often referred to as Spousehole, is another story. Oh yeah - if you are under 18 (or if you are my husband), please leave now.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Same old thing

Spousehole and I shopped all afternoon and went out to dinner with the kids tonight. Everything was okay. Then in the car on the way home we were listening to Marketplace on NPR when Spousehole suddenly snapped the radio off. After about 30 seconds I said "Did it matter that I was listening to that?" He replied that he "couldn't listen to stories of other people's prosperity anymore." Never mind that that totally wasn't the point of the story . . . he went off on a rant about how he hates being "poor" blah blah blah. It really pissed me off. I lost it. We are not poor. We own a nice house, in a decent neighborhood, we have very little debt (mortgage and one car payment), we have two reliable cars and a motorcycle, a catamaran (I hate that damn boat though . . . ), food on the table, and enough money to pay our utilities and go out to eat like we did last night and so on. We put the max possible in his 401k every year, although we don't save enough otherwise.

I pointed out that this difference in how we view things is the main point of contention in our marriage. I try to see the good (we are warm, well-fed, healthy, etc.) and all he sees is what we don't have. He said I need to take my blinders off, live in the real world. He said he won't stick his head in the sand and ignore our problems. I tried to explain that seeing the positive doesn't mean ignoring problems or not working to make our lives even better, but it does mean not discounting all the good in our life and not dwelling on what we don't have. It's a matter of attitude. I've spent enough of my life battling depression, focusing only on the bad and not the good. I refuse to live like that. He doesn't get it. Not at all. His reply: "The sooner we separate, the better."

Agreed, asshole, agreed.

After we arrived home, I went by myself to Target to return something (my nephew already has one of the things we bought him for Christmas - darn it!). I still didn't want to come back home to that doofus, so I went to Barnes & Noble, got something to drink from Starbucks (whether I'm entitled to it or not), and read for 3 hours. I feel better, but I am more resolved than ever to make the separation happen sooner rather than later. Wish me luck.

20 comments:

TAG said...

You don't need luck. All you need is resolve.

You will do fine Bunny. As for Spouse hole, well, he will have a much tougher time finding any happiness in life.

You have it right. The surest way to have what you want is to want what you have. Those who always focus on what they don't have will never be able to appreciate what they do have.

TAG

datesbubbas said...

tag's right. You don't need luck. Based on my ex, he's already past where you are now and is already thinking about how he's going to have to support you and the kids on his income while you sit at home. The difference between then and now is that he'll have to pay for somewhere for both of you to live.

My advice? Ignore him and GET YOUR DIVORCE PAPERS FILED BEFORE HE DOES. This man will NEVER be happy - at least not with you and if he says he is with someone else, he's lying.

BikerTigger said...

WOW.

I guess I see things totally different. I am barely putting anything into my retirement plan. We have 2 cars, but only one that work. I had to sell my motorcycle to buy furniture. We cannot afford to get one car fixed. da Missus had to quit work since daycare was so expensive for da Twinsies when we first brought them home. Her working w/ daycare would have lost us money. Quite often bills do not get paid on time. Yeah, we do not even have cable TV. LOL.....High speed internet was more important.

Are we poor??? I do not think so. Would I like more TOYS?? Sure, but damn, we have made sacrifices to be happy. And we have made the decisions that we have made for happiness instead of "stuff". Poor Spousehole. And Poor you for having to deal with that. If being "poor" means having a motorcycle AND a boat, I would love to know how he sees my life.

This was not meant to be a vent on the haves versus the have nots. This was just me showing how sad of a person he is. Happiness (obviously) does not come from the toys or things, it comes from within. He could win the lottery tomorrow and the dick would still be a sad person and still wanting more.

Get out. Get out soon. Do whatever it takes to get a damn good lawyer. He is going to want everything and leave you with nothing. I mean if you have to "be entitle" to a damn cup of coffee.....

Mr R Rabbit said...

Best of luck to you with it, though you shouldn't need it.

As for whether you're poor or not, you're very much in the right here. Seems he has no idea what it is to really struggle to be fed each day, let alone have something over your head to keep the rain off. Enjoy what you have, and don't let all of the things that you don't need spoil it for you.

Edtime Stories said...

I hope you can make it work, the separation. It will be tough but I think everyone will be better in the end.

G-Man said...

Bunny....
Good Luck Baby!!
Some peoples glass is always half empty, regardless of how the normal world perceives things..
and as far as Luck goes?
I learned this little poem many many years ago, and it will always hold true...

"What we call Luck
Is simply Pluck!
It's doing things over and over...
Courage
Will
Perseverance
and Skill..are the 4 leafs of Lucks Clover!
(I relax at Border's the very same way)
xoxox

Zoely said...

Hello Sister!
I got yelled at last night for not having a hot dinner on the table when MM arrived home. Of course i was tiptoeing around in fear as he slammed things, and didn't even realize how not normal this is til i described the scene to a male friend who was stunned. What is this, 1950?, he remarked.
so...i feel ya!

Flat Coke and Flies said...

Love.Starbucks!

It doesn't sound like your financial situation is bad. I read yesterday where most Americans have more than $9000 in credit card debt!! He needs to see how blessed he is...

Maybe if he would listen to those NPR stories about how those people became prosperous he'd learn a thing or two?????

You will get through the separation fine...and feel better in the end. He's just dragging you down and keeping you from your own destiny.

Michelle L. said...

Good luck, Bunny. I don't have any great advice to offer, but know that I am thinking of you and sending you "Strength Vibes."

Sixdegrees said...

And he thinks that his financial situation will improve when he moves out of the house? Let's see...two living spaces instead of one, he will have to prepare his own meals or eat out more, so his food costs will go up, more gas expenses, etc.

Countless studies have shown that a living with a committed significant other (whether it is called marriage or not) brings financial benefits as well as mental health benefits. Clearly, spousehole is missing out both!

Get a lawyer and be prepared to battle. The petty things that he says will be nothing compared to what he'll say when he gets a jolt of reality. Ouch!

Loving Annie said...

Bunny,
Much luck sent your way. Tag and bikertigger said it well.
((hugs))
Loving Annie

ArtfulSub said...

Wishing you both LUCK and strength. NPR shouldn't exist, of course. But that's no excuse for being a whiny A-Hole.

George said...

things are progressing nicely ... he gave you the opening you need for a quick exit ... the sooner the better for you and the children's sake.

He doesn't know what the word poor means ... I find it funny coming from a religious person like him.

Anonymous said...

you can do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just need to be strong

and when u decide to split!!!!!!!!

go for it and do IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Silent Male said...

Good Luck.

I say that because I hope this process goes as smoothly as humanly possible.

Did you know there are lots of 'poor' people who are way way happier than lots of 'rich' people? It is true, and it is because the poor people know what they have, while the rich people know what they don't have.

Scintillio said...

In some ways I can understand the feelings of financial insecurities from his point of view... but then again I don't get the feeling you're someone who isn't "savings" oriented.

Knew that my ex and I were on different paths when she didn't bat an eye when we had to borrow against retirement due to credit card debt. At that point I pretty much vowed to save, save and save.

Not to the point of starvation... nor at the expense of some smaller toys. But a boat... nope, it's a hole in the water you throw money into as they say... you can rent one if you really want. Now a motorcycle... hmmm, I'd love to get one again but there's just not money for that yet. Would I have had one if I were married still, perhaps but then again all the joys of feeling someone against your back and taking off for an hour or two together just weren't there when she never went out on it with me.

On a lighter note... Why is divorce expensive?

Because it's worth it! :)

Hang in there. Get what you want and need. Love the pictures I've seen.

Peace

ATLLG said...

Gee sounds like the typical is the glass half full or half empty

Flyinfox_SATX said...

Its amazing. This was a lot like the end of my marriage of 14 years. All I can say Bunny is that I have learned that sometimes when two people that are wrong for each other get together...separation is what is best.

Flyinfox_SATX

datesbubbas said...

I've been meaning to send this to you for a while, but Dear Abby printed it today so I don't have to figure out which "safe" place I put it in. LOL.

BEHAVIOR PATTERNS BETRAY ABUSER'S URGE TO CONTROL

DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed the feedback I received regarding a letter from "Smothered in Michigan," a recently divorced mother of two. Her ex-husband had been an alcoholic. She's now dating his "polar opposite" who "treats her like a queen" and is "loving, affectionate, generous and caring."

She went on to say he stops by her job "only a few" times a day, and the minute she's home he shows up at her door. All her dinners are with him -- he pays for everything -- and he doesn't leave until her kids go to bed. He spends every waking hour with her and accompanies her wherever she goes. She said she knows she should feel grateful, but instead feels "indebted, stalked, controlled and burdened." Her question: "Am I just being selfish, and can I train myself to like being spoiled?"

I told her she and the man were overdue for a frank talk about personal space, that she's still healing from her divorce, and he seems so smitten or insecure that he's preventing her from figuring out where she ends and he begins.

Many readers felt she should listen to her intuition, that the man is a potential abuser, and the traits she listed are red flags.

Today I'll share the classic warning signs of an abuser. Read on:

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser presses for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," or "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," then dismisses them with "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."

datesbubbas said...

I've been meaning to find this for you for a while and now Dear Abby printed it today so I don't have to figure out which "safe" place I put mine. I'm thinking about you...

BEHAVIOR PATTERNS BETRAY ABUSER'S URGE TO CONTROL

DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed the feedback I received regarding a letter from "Smothered in Michigan," a recently divorced mother of two. Her ex-husband had been an alcoholic. She's now dating his "polar opposite" who "treats her like a queen" and is "loving, affectionate, generous and caring."

She went on to say he stops by her job "only a few" times a day, and the minute she's home he shows up at her door. All her dinners are with him -- he pays for everything -- and he doesn't leave until her kids go to bed. He spends every waking hour with her and accompanies her wherever she goes. She said she knows she should feel grateful, but instead feels "indebted, stalked, controlled and burdened." Her question: "Am I just being selfish, and can I train myself to like being spoiled?"

I told her she and the man were overdue for a frank talk about personal space, that she's still healing from her divorce, and he seems so smitten or insecure that he's preventing her from figuring out where she ends and he begins.

Many readers felt she should listen to her intuition, that the man is a potential abuser, and the traits she listed are red flags.

Today I'll share the classic warning signs of an abuser. Read on:

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser presses for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," or "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," then dismisses them with "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."