Is it a sex blog? A mommy blog? A bitch & moan blog? Um, . . . yeah. This is my place to be totally honest. In my real life, I feel like I'm always lying to somebody about something. Here, I am totally honest. Brutally so. However, no matter what bad things I say about my kids, I adore them and would never ever really, say, sell them on Ebay. The husband, often referred to as Spousehole, is another story. Oh yeah - if you are under 18 (or if you are my husband), please leave now.

Monday, July 9, 2007

My BFF: I may disappoint her, but she's always got my back

My best friend is the only person in my real life who knows that I have been cheating on my husband. And she mostly only knows what she's read here, since we try to talk around it, not about it. I know that she's not happy with my choice, although she understands how I ended up making that choice. She hates Spousehole and almost always has. True of many people in my life. She would rather see me leave him than stay with him and cheat, although she understands why I stay.

I think what bothers her most is how I ended up cheating. A lot of the time, adultery arises from a friendship (workplace/online/common interest) that ends up becoming something more. People say "I didn't mean for it to happen, it just happened." My situation is different. I didn't "fall into" cheating on my husband. I actively pursued finding someone with whom to cheat. I weeded through a ton of possibilities and chose someone who was looking for the same thing: a sex partner, not a girlfriend/boyfriend; someone who doesn't want to change their marital/family situation, who just wants someone to fill a void in their life; and, importantly (for me), someone whose initial contact with me was not crude and included a face picture. Basically, he's a very nice guy who just isn't getting his needs met at home. Neither of us wants to screw up our families, so discretion is of the utmost importance. We each have a vested interest in keeping things on the down low. That's why I don't talk about him in any detail - I don't want to mess up his life any more than he wants to mess up mine. We have some chemistry, which is necessary, but not so much that we're going to do something stupid like get emotionally involved. One complicated emotional relationship is enough for me, thank you.

This won't do any long-term damage to my relationship with my best friend (bff). We've been friends for almost 29 years - since middle school. We have our ups and downs, but always have each other's back. We've gone as a long as a couple years without talking, but always end up back with each other. I've stood by her through her parents' divorce, her drug use, triple-digit casual sex partners, alcoholism, two failed unplanned pregnancies and resultant infertility, boat ownership, marriage to a great guy with a bad track record at marriage, and more. She's stood by me through depression, crazy risk-taking behaviors, acting out after being raped, holier-than-thou-bullshit for a period, drinking too much for several years, career regrets, marrying Spousehole (who she hates), having a special-needs child and a little hellion, and much, much more. We disagree on religion, politics, NASCAR, sex (I like it; she could live without it- much to her husband's dismay) and a lot of other things, but have a bond that transcends such things. A little adultery won't change that. I love you Chickie. Always have, always will. Best Friends Forever.

update: Still ring-free, more than 2 weeks now. We went up north Saturday to retrieve the kiddos from Grandma's and I thought he might want to wear them for his parents, but no mention from him. Then Sunday we were greeters at church and he still didn't bring up the rings. One person asked me about mine. She said "Does your ring not fit since you've lost weight?" Spousehole says, "You've lost weight? I just thought your clothes had stretched." She shook her head and gave him the "what a doofus" look.

We were snippy and bitchy with each other all weekend. He annoyed the hell out of me and I irked him to no end. Apparently, I can do nothing right as a parent and he is the most perfect parent to ever have walked the Earth. I couldn't clean the house properly to save my life, but he knows exactly how it should be done (so f'ing do it butthead!). He rearranged the furniture in Girl's room without discussing it with me and I HATE it. It has no flow. I'm no design diva or anything, but it's not functional the way he's put it. I'll change it to something more functional over time - a piece or two a week. He'll never even notice.


A police officer in my city was killed in the line of duty this weekend, responding to a domestic violence call. The estranged husband was waiting in the wife's garage and shot the young officer. The officer, only 29, leaves behind a three-year-old child and his parents. Having worked in federal and local law enforcement circles myself, I have the utmost respect for the dangerous, but necessary, profession of law enforcement. They have all our backs. Our entire community mourns this fine young officer. If you're the praying type, please pray to your God/Goddess/Gods for him and his family.


Bryn said...

A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half-cracked. ~Author Unknown

Anonymous said...

Holy crow. I would never post a list of my bff's life trials, even anonymously. Maybe it would hurt to see 'em all laid out in a row like that. None of my business but I hope it was OK with her.

Bunny said...

Anon, she's totally cool with it, and has bitched that I don't talk about her and her f'd up life enough on the blog. She talks to anyone and everyone about her life, kind of as a warning to others and as a part of her atonement (beyond court-ordered) for drunk-driving and other crimes committed under the influence. We are near total opposites, but somehow still best friends. Go figure.

Trueself said...

I would love to have a best friend like that. I've had friends in life that have come and gone, mostly gone, and I am much more alone for it. Hang onto that BFF. She is a treasure beyond measure.

Sorry to hear about the policeman in your area. It helps me to read of such things (yeah I know that doesn't sound right) because I have such a negative image of police (thanks to having a good friend shot in the back and killed by them). It is important that I don't think of the police as the enemy. Yet I do. Stories like this help me see them in a different light.

ZigZagMan said...

I read about the officer earlier this of my best friends is about his age and is a cop in kzoo...just a damn shame.

BTW...lifelong friends like yours are few and far between...lucky for you both to have eachother..:)

Finished Last said...

I thought your clothes has stretched? What an ass. You friendship sounds like a great thing. I am happy that you have her.

Miss Lucky Mommy said...

good ol' spousehole just never disappoints.

In other news, I've nominated you as a rockin' girl blogger over at my place. The honor was bestowed upon me last week and it's my duty to pass along the award to 5 other rockin' blogging chicks. Naturally I thought of you. You can copy the pink button from my sidebar and place it as you may. I'd have bought it with me but I don't know how.

George said...

Your life sounds dangerous ... not that way you describe for the officer ... just the bad times in your relationship.

Cherrie said...

Friends recognize that they are human and not perfect, and they try to understand and support each other even when they don't completely agree.

When a relationship with a spouse turns ugly, though, there's nowhere to go but out.

TUG said...

I wish I could have found someone without the emotional side. We were friends and I fell for her hard. But I don't think I would have done it with anyone else.

That's a great friend you have. I have one of those as well.

Being a cop these days is almost as dangerous as being a soldier.

The inside of me said...

Wow Bunny I didn't know all this was going on. Now I understand why I like your blog so much. We have a lot in common. I think it is a great post. Very honest

Mrs.ZigZagMan said...

I havent been reading long but i wonder... is there nothing redeeming about this man?

VJ said...

Me, I'm going to suggest something radical here. 'Cause I just showed up, and don't know any better. But this is building to a really destructive & dangerously toxic level. And it could easily come to that crazed deranged & PO'd hubby hiding in the garage waiting to pick off the cops who are responding to a 9-11 call. It's just scary sounding, and I know you can feel that. Me, I've got no idea if he's as dangerous as he sounds, but it sounds bad enough.

So here goes. Write a note. Pour your heart out into it. Just start simple like you have above. These are the reasons I choose to affirm my life here with my children, in this family & with this husband. (That last part we'll just take on faith alone). It may not look pretty to start. It may not even end pretty. If you can't make it get to a 'neutral ending' when you finish (as if the story could go either way), make plans to leave. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but sooner rather than later. It's getting dangerously toxic in there. If you see a glimmer of hope, somewhere, even for just another year, write that down. 'I will affirm and try to work this out here for another year'. Then find the ring and put it back on. Tell spousehole that you're a bigger person than he is, and this is silly & abusive, and you just don't want to sit in the boat and just see it sink beneath the waves without doing something about it. Then try for some counseling. It might work, it might not. Not all ships can be saved. Mostly though, the passengers might.

All of us have some difficulties in marriages. Some more than others. But this is pretty ugly, and it's easily getting into abusive territory, if it's not already arrived there may years ago. And seriously that's one of the most toxic things to any working relationship, the loss of respect & trust. Once that's gone or constantly degraded, it takes plenty of work to 'get back'. Wishing you brighter moments Bunny, Cheers, 'VJ'