Turning 40: Midlife crisis?

No, it's not my birthday . . . yet. According to the countdown clock on my sidebar, it's less than 2 months away. But I have been thinking about it a lot.

I've never been this apprehensive about a birthday. 25 was a little thought provoking, mainly because I was still in school, was losing my health coverage through my dad's employer (full-time students can stay on a parent's insurance until 25; my parents ended up paying my COBRA premiums for the next 1.5 years till I got a full-time job), and my mom had cancer. But it wasn't so bad. I didn't mind being 25.

I embraced 30. I was in a good place then. I had gotten the cojones to leave a job I abhorred, owned my own home, had been celibate (by choice) for a year, and was content to live my life on my terms. I didn't care if I ever got married, I was doing work I could live with, I was financially independent, and therapy had gotten me to accept myself the way I was, flaws and all. The only bad thing was that I had put on a lot of weight during my period of celibacy. (When no one sees you nekkid, you stop caring what you look like nekkid.) I was pretty darn happy 10 years ago.

But now that 40 is bearing down on me like a Mack truck, I am dreading it. Mid-life crisis? Perhaps. Some days I wonder how the hell I ended up where I am today.

I was a wild 20-something, the one who bemuses the staid neighbors with her crazy lifestyle. Now I'm the stable, nice neighbor who waters your plants and feeds your cat when you go on vacation. I watch your kids while you go to the dentist, asking only that you return the favor one day. I have keys for several neighbors homes, because I'm considered that trustworthy. It's so sad.

I never was one of those women who dreams of their wedding day; I was okay with never getting married. I never needed a man to define who I am. But here I am, married 8 years, and getting less agitated all the time when people call me Mrs. Married Name (my name is Ms. Bunny Maidenname Marriedname - no hyphen, thank you).

I never wanted children. I didn't really like kids and I have no patience for them. But here I am, with two beautiful children whom I adore. Still no patience, however. And I get sick to death of the presumed sainthood that people bestow on me because I have a special-needs child. I just love him and raise him like you do your kids - it doesn't make me special, just a mom. Geez. I still don't like to share my toys with my kids - maybe in some ways I'm emotionally just a kid myself.

I thought I would NEVER be a housewife or stay-at-home mom. I mean, can you imagine? Housework is drudgery and to be financially dependent on a man is ridiculous!! Yet, here I am, a stay-at-home mom and totally financially dependent on my man (though if we split up, I'd go back to practicing law and be ok, I think).

I always thought that people who cheat on their spouse were complete and utter morons and deserved all the bad things that would happen because of it. I never thought I would cheat on my spouse - what kind of whore does that? Yet, here I am.

So, yes, I guess this is a bit of a mid-life crisis for me. I'm trying to embrace 40 - that's why I did the countdown clock (idea totally stolen from Polt!). It's not for y'all - it's a reminder to myself that it's coming, whether I like it or not, and to sit back and enjoy the ride. Maybe I just need a really cool way to celebrate:

I don't want a party. My BFF did a big party for her 40th and that was great. But it's not me. I even hated my own wedding reception. I used to love a good party, but not so much anymore. I know, I'm a party pooper.

I'm thinking a trip. Perhaps Chicago for a weekend, with a side trip back to the town where I was born. (Muscatine, IA, if you care. Small town near the Quad Cities.) But if I go "home," I'll probably be expected to stop and see the relatives (in Atalissa, West Liberty, Muscatine, Iowa City, and Coralville - bet you've only heard of one those before today) and that I don't care for so much. All they ever say is how I look EXACTLY like my mother. I HATE hearing that - my nose is totally different; otherwise, okay, I do look at lot like her. But I am taller; she's only 4'11". And her hair was totally gray by my age. I got dad's hair, thank God.

I might also enjoy an amusement park trip. Early September is usually pretty warm yet and the parks are open weekends. If I do this, it would probably be Cedar Point. Six Flags in Gurnee, IL is not as far, but it's not near as cool either. I'm a roller coaster fiend. I'll skip those things that just drop straight down, though. Never liked those, even before that poor girl got her feet lopped off.

If I do take a trip, I need to figure out if I go alone or bring Spousehole. Probably bring him. I can sell it as a celebration of both our b-days, since we didn't do a whole lot for his 40th in March. Prying the cash from his cold, miserly fingers may be difficult, but I think I can do it.

I am open to suggestions for celebrating my 40th. Email me or leave a comment with your ideas for a relatively low cost (no flying anywhere) celebration. And don't say "divorce your husband and buy a sporty car." I can't afford a new car right now!