Is it a sex blog? A mommy blog? A bitch & moan blog? Um, . . . yeah. This is my place to be totally honest. In my real life, I feel like I'm always lying to somebody about something. Here, I am totally honest. Brutally so. However, no matter what bad things I say about my kids, I adore them and would never ever really, say, sell them on Ebay. The husband, often referred to as Spousehole, is another story. Oh yeah - if you are under 18 (or if you are my husband), please leave now.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Response to a comment

In response to a recent post of mine, a fellow blogger commented:

oh gosh - I actually feel sorry for Spousehole now. I can see the appeal of doing this and I can see that you are taking precautions to make sure it doesn't backfire on you - but it's so not good for the soul. Surely it's better to finish things with Spousehole and then be a free agent and do as you wish. I just think you will end up getting hurt or in a whole heap of trouble.

Let me say first that I appreciate this type of comment. I appreciate criticism and such, so long as it is civil and/or constructive. I like people to be honest and say what they feel about what I write, but to be polite about it, as was this commenter. If someone said "Fat ugly whore!" that wouldn't be appreciated (but I would know that Spousehole had found the blog - LOL).

My response:

Sometimes I feel bad for Spousehole too. But he's made his choice to blame his erectile issues on me, telling me I'm too fat, old, ugly, not sexually attractive, etc., and only once confessing that he has the same erectile problems even masturbating. He refuses to discuss this with his doctor to see if there's something that can help (meds, treatment of any as-yet-unknown underlying condition, I don't know). He's made his choice to not share my bed in any way, sexual or otherwise. He's made the choice to verbally abuse and degrade me and make me feel so bad about myself that I seek comfort and reassurance in the arms of other men. He's made the choice to ignore my fairly obvious cheating. He's made his choices and I've made mine, good or bad.

We have actually discussed an open marriage. In that discussion, he acknowledged that he doesn't meet my needs and he knows I need more. He said he wants me to be happy and for that reason he thinks he might be able to tolerate me having lovers, so long as I was discreet and didn't throw it in his face. He never outright gave me permission, but he let me know that he really doesn't care either. Jealousy is apparently not a problem.

No, what I do probably isn't good for my soul. But I really don't feel too bad about it. I've tried, from day one, but the guilt has just never come. I feel bad sometimes not for potentially hurting Spousehole but for risking my children's family and stable home life. Then I remember that we aren't exactly a happy family and my children's home life isn't exactly stable. So what really am I risking? So long as the children are not aware of or involved in any way in my infidelity, it isn't likely to have any effect on my getting primary physical custody if Spousehole and I separate. Perhaps my children will be happier if their parents aren't fighting with each other or walking on eggshells constantly.

All these are things I think about regularly, especially with Spousehole now interviewing out of state which raises the possibility of having to choose to move together and make this work or separate and have the children deal with a long distance parenting relationship.


Vixen said...

Well said. And if I know one thing about you, it's that you are a very intelligent gal. I admire who you are and how you handle what you have been dealt.


The Silent Male said...

I don't know the best way to handle your situation, but to me it sounds like you are handling it as well as you can.

Lady in red said...

I think your response is very well put. I can totally understand your motives. I never followed that path during my marriage but SF did tell me on a number of occasions that I cold find someone else. though I know he would have reacted very badly if I had done that. Although I never strayed during my marriage I ahve had married lovers since. I wouldn't dream of judging anyone for the way they find emotional and physical support. my only proviso being that they try not to hurt the innocent although this cannot always be avoided.

Phyllis Renée said...

You've been tagged :o)

Biscuit said...

We all do the best with what we have.You're the only one who knows what is right for you.

Sixdegrees said...

Spousehole has always struck me as one of those toxic personality types. The kind who can only tear other people down. He must have hid this part of his personality really well during the earlier parts of your relationship.

I agree that he has given you tacit permission to seek out other physical relationships. Though I suspect that he would release a particularly noxious spew if he were to find concrete evidence.

What would be best for your soul? To remain celibate while married and suffer your pain in silence? I don't think so.

But where do you see yourself in 10 or 20 years?

exile said...

ok, well i personally don't agree with cheating, i've "been down that road" and it just isn't for you no matter which side you're on.

but in your situation, let's face it, he's a monster. i personally think you'd be far better off divorcing his psycho ass, moving on, and being happy.

but if this is what you need to do help your self get through this then do what it takes.

you're a smart girl, you know this isn't a solution to the real problem

exile said...

oh, and btw.

an erectile issue is no reason or justification for the way he treats you. if he loved you he would work aorund the issue.

hell, he could use toys and share that same passion with you.

it's not what you fuck with, it's that you are willing to give your partner pleasure that matters

Project Christopher said...

Wow Bunny, my heart goes out to you. I hate that you have to go through this. I don't condone cheating either (unless it becomes the agreed upon open relationship) but as someone said above, you're handling it well. I think there are other things in his mind. I've always thought that the "you've gotten fat" was a poor excuse for leaving the marital bed. If that's the issue, something should have been said long ago; make it something BOTH of you tackle together, not blame on one.
If it helps, even though I'm gay, with your personality and that rack.. I'd do you! :) (said with love and comedy you realize! :) )

Sue said...

I agree that only you know what is best in your situation. But I also agree that really, he has made your choice for you.

ZigZagMan said...

OK.....I've been biting my tounge here for a long time, and you know I consider you a blogger friend, but I take a dissenting view here.

1st off, I'm no angel...this is not me standing on a soap box, it's just my two cents.

You for whatever reasons, married in a church of god. You made a promise to not just yourself and your spouse..but to god as well. I'm not all about unbending morality or jesus down your throat, but either you meant it when you said it...or you didn't.

If after that promise, for reasons both of his making and yours...or hell maybe just all him (I'm no spousehole fan) this isn't working...cheating is a bandaide, and not a cure.

2nd...rationalizing cheating with vague concepts like "we talked about it and he's kinda ok with it" is just that. I don't care what your rules are as partners. I know polyamourous couples. I know swingers. While this is not for me...I truly respect their decisions and lifestyle...because they are open between eachother..and stick to their rules. That is not cheating.

Spoushole may be the husband from hell. Being the spousehole from hell, and you cheating...I'm not sure you are doing you or your children a service. He strikes me as perhaps the kind of man that may well not bitch for a year two more..then bam...document to court and the kids..."what mommy has been up to".

I don't walk in your shoes, but I've sure as hell seen similar road. I wish you luck and good things, but I fear for you a little as well..:)

just my 2 cents

Desmond Jones said...

Well, since you put this out there. . .

I also want you to know that what I say to you, I say as one who considers you to be a friend. I do not mean to rip you, and I do not hold myself up as one of superior virtue.

I carried on a correspondence with another (female) blogger, about a year ago, who was also cheating on her husband. Her situation was similar in some ways to yours - churchgoing woman whose husband couldn't satisfy her sexually (altho her situation was, if anything, less defensible than yours, since her husband adored her, but simply had 'performance issues'). It ended badly for her, and I wouldn't want what happened to her, for you.

I think there's a lot of truth in Zig's comment that cheating is a band-aid, not a cure.

Also, you understand, don't you, that the 'bad for your soul' part is not about the guilt you feel, but rather the 'deformities' (if you want to think of it that way) that are induced by the immorality. I mean, the lack of guilt is more of a 'symptom' of a 'damaged soul' than guilt would be.

Please be clear - I understand the difficulty of your situation, and I know that I don't walk in your shoes. I don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes; I can't say with certainty that I would do any better. . .

And, bottom line - I'm also not sure that I have 'standing' enough for you to take what I say all that seriously, anyway. I want you to know that I get that. . .

But, you put it out here, and I do count you as a friend. . .

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