Is it a sex blog? A mommy blog? A bitch & moan blog? Um, . . . yeah. This is my place to be totally honest. In my real life, I feel like I'm always lying to somebody about something. Here, I am totally honest. Brutally so. However, no matter what bad things I say about my kids, I adore them and would never ever really, say, sell them on Ebay. The husband, often referred to as Spousehole, is another story. Oh yeah - if you are under 18 (or if you are my husband), please leave now.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Sex and the Children

Yes, I know the former is generally required to create the latter. That's not what this is about.

My kids are only 6 and 2, so sex education hasn't formally begun in our household. Sure, we've covered "good touches, bad touches" and the like. But that's not what I am talking about either. I'm talking about how we, as parents, address sex and sexuality with our children.

I grew up in a home where sex was not a taboo subject. No, my parents weren't graphic about discussing their exploits or anything, but they were open and honest with us about sex. We knew what it was from a fairly early age and were encouraged to ask any questions that occurred to us. My parents were foster parents, mainly for teenage girls - some of whom were in foster care because they were pregnant. (That was an unspoken lesson on the lack of joy in teen pregnancy - worked for me!) My mom, especially, made sure we girls knew how everything functioned and, as we approached our teen years, about STDs and pregnancy. We knew how each could be prevented, should we choose to not follow Mom's advice and encouragement about waiting to become sexually active until we were adults and in love. Mom didn't really hold out much hope of us waiting until our wedding nights to have sex, as she herself did not really want to wait until marriage. (She did, reluctantly; she wanted to have sex once she and Dad were engaged. He refused, not out of any sense of morality, but out of fear of my grandfather's firearms collection.)

My parents taught us that masturbation was a normal part of life and an excellent alternative to teen sex; just keep it private. We were taught that sex and sexuality were not bad things and could be discussed with them without judgement. The message was that sex was a gift from God, to be shared with someone you love and who loves you.

Spousehole, on the other hand, grew up in a household where sex was never discussed. Ever. Well, that's not true. It was never, ever, discussed POSITIVELY. He is 40 years old and his parents have yet to have "the talk" with him. When he was a preschooler, he showed his mom how he could make his penis "talk." She freaked out and told him that he should never, ever touch his penis except to clean it and should never, ever show it to anyone. When he reached puberty, they told him that sex and masturbation were bad, sick and disgusting. They told him that looking at pornography meant he was sick and perverted, he was not a Christian, and he would go to Hell. End of discussion. The message was "sex is bad."

So now we need to merge these two life experiences into some sort of guidance for our our children. Spousehole is still pissed at his parents for screwing him up regarding sex, so he sees that their way is not the way we should go. But he thinks my parents were a bit too permissive. (Believe me, they were not permissive. When my high school boyfriend and I were caught kissing laying on a bed, there was heck to pay. Feet had to remain on the floor and doors left open. They didn't hand me a box of condoms and say "Have fun and be careful!")

We plan to be fairly open with our kids. They will know the mechanics as soon as they are mature enough to handle it. We will encourage them to not become sexually active until they are mature and in a loving, trusting, committed relationship. We will tell them that masturbation is not sick or perverted, but is something that you do privately. And that they can talk to us about any and everything. I think it is less about specifically talking about sex as it is about treating sexuality as a normal, healthy part of life.

This is a great plan as far as Girl is concerned. She will be encouraged to wait, but that if she does not she will know about birth control and disease-prevention. She will get the Gardasil vaccination, because even if she is not sexually active before marriage, her future spouse may have been. (Or she could be infected with HPV in a non-consensual manner.) Girl will know all her options and we will have to trust that we've raised her with the values to make the right decisions.

Boy is a harder case. He is autistic. He'll probably understand the mechanics just fine. But how do we teach him the emotional nuances? Will he understand that while masturbation is not a bad thing, we don't do it in class and we don't discuss it with people we meet on the bus? Autistic people don't have that innate ability to determine what is appropriate in a social situation and what is not that most of us develop. That part of their brain just doesn't operate like yours and mine. At 6, he understands that other people should not touch his private parts. But he doesn't yet understand that he should not touch other people's. He is unable to recognize that other people have feelings, emotions, and thoughts, just like he does. He cannot relate that way to others. Developmentally, most children hit a point where they just innately recognize that others are like them, having feelings like them, and have thoughts just like them. This is when empathy develops. Autistic kids seem to skip this stage developmentally, never really understanding how another person feels. You can explain it intellectually, but they'll never really feel it. How do you teach about sexuality to someone like that?

I know there are books out there on teaching about sexuality to people on the spectrum and I'll be looking into that. I just needed to put these thoughts out there to help me work through them myself.

Edit @ 1:43 P.M.: It appears that sex education will be unnecessary for my children, as I will be killing them long before they ever need it. Holy shee-oot, who are these monsters and what have they done with my offspring? Screaming, hitting, dumping an entire can of baking powder on the floor, pouring soy milk on the floor (living room!), biting me when disciplined . . . and that's just the little one. The other is throwing things, pooping his pants (he's 6!), shutting doors on his sister, shoving her around . . . you get the picture. Total freaking chaos today. School starts Tuesday, at least then one will be gone most of the day.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well then.

I have 2 daughters and 1 son. My daughters are 15 and almost 12, my son is just 8. I am 29. I started very early. Sex was not discussed in my house either. Good, bad or indifferent, it was NOT discussed. I grew up with 4 older sisters. Until sex ed class, i never knew about my period. Sex was never explained, therefore, i was pregnant at 13 years old.

Both of my daughters have had their periods, and they both knew long before sex ed that it was going to come. They knew about their period, why they get them, what happens if it is late, or skips or doesn't come at all. They know about sex, how to get pregnant, in which ways you can go about not getting pregnant or an STD. I'm encouraging them both to wait until they are - at least - out of high school. I want to get them both the Gardasil shot. (In fact, i was on the news last fall speaking out FOR this shot, as there are so many misguided women and parents out there who feel that getting them the shot will only give the child "permission" to have sex. I think that is the most ignorant reason to not do it.)

I hope my children are as open with their children as I am with mine. My son is still a little young, and very immature, to understand the whole subject at the moment but when the time does come - Daddy gets to do it :) I was pleasently surprised how easy it was to do once i started doing it.

Ronald Burgundy said...

Wow - a very strong subject.

My kids are 9 and 6 and our plan all along is to raise them with a healthy, somewhat normal look at sex and more importantly - it's place within a relationship.

I always loved this quote "we will neither seek conflict, nor will we shy away from it". I'd say it applies here as well, if conversations happen sooner than we'd like - so be it. But I won't force the issue just so I say that I can.

Heck, I might even lower my daughter's dating age down a few years from 28....=)

Jim said...

Oh my, where to begin . . .

Long story short, I had a similar experience, though I never got "the talk" either. My sex ed consisted of being awakened and asked to come downstairs late one night, to sit between my parents, as the three of us watched some PBS program on human reproduction. Somehow, I survived to be the lusty fellow I am to this day, thoroughly enjoying everything about a woman, and awakening her most hidden and forbidden desires.

My wife, on the other hand, was raised in the school of ignorance and shamefulness. You weren't even supposed to talk about it, much less enjoy it. Sheesh . . . it was only a perve who would enjoy "that sort of thing." I distinctly recall her father saying at one point, after being rebuffed in some affectionate advance on his wife, that "your mother just doesn't like to be touched." She must have passed this value on to her daughter very well.

It's a wonder that some of us are able to keep the damn species going, isn't it? Lol.

XO

Vixen said...

My parents raised me in a household in bwtn yours and your s/o. And I think it was a dis-service. I plan and am in the works of raising my children like your parents did you.

Heavy topic. You do have to overcome hurdles that I haven't even thought about. That's a tough one. You truly do strike me as a *very* put together woman w/ an incredible head on your shoulders. I'm sure it wil work itself out.

*hugs*

Oh. And on the edited to add portion...((((you))) I know ALL about that... *sigh* Hang in there ;)

Anonymous said...

well i think the sex talk variesfrom one to the other and the relationship each has with their kids. I don't suspect I'll ever address masterbation with my daughter, and truthfully I am holding out all hope that a large (very large) firearm collection is still a deterant.

The edit tickled the shit out of me!
sounds like my brood
js

George said...

I never had the talk either, but being the intelligent, guy that I am, I know how to read and I understand very well. My parents were more the let's not discuss this EVER

I turned out to be a typically normal pervert so there is nothing to worry about

Anonymous said...

Great topic. I agree with your approach:-) And it sounds like you are preparing yourself for situations that might arise with your son. Many parents might not think ahead on this topic.

Okay, I was literally cracking up at your edit. hehehe

Anonymous said...

I did not laugh once until I got to the edit. Dear me... hooray for school starting back soon. :D

Joking aside this was a very well written post and I enjoyed reading it. My mother was like your parents were about the subject. Most of what you said were things I also heard from my mother. My father was not around and my step-dad did not come in to play until long after puberty hit for me. That left my mother with being the one to always give me awkward talks and she them. She also gave me information books incase I ever wanted to know about other things that I felt too embarrassed to ask her about. I was glad that she did not treat the subject like Spousehole's parents did with him.

Being a parent is such work and most people do not even realize all that goes in to it. I wish more people would just think because I honestly believe some people should just not have kids. I admire you and tons of other parents out there for doing the things y'all do. :]

crse said...

HA!!! Im so far behind on blogs its killing me! As soon as i catch up, im going to scan this great little article and send it...just to keep in mind.

Constance said...

Good questions to raise about Boy. I know you will find the answers, Bunny.
My parents raised me like yours did you, and I am grateful for it.
I sense you will pass along that good common sense to yours, no matter what spousehole's history is.

Hope that you have a good Thursday, and a nice Labor Day weekend ahead !

Loving Annie