Is it a sex blog? A mommy blog? A bitch & moan blog? Um, . . . yeah. This is my place to be totally honest. In my real life, I feel like I'm always lying to somebody about something. Here, I am totally honest. Brutally so. However, no matter what bad things I say about my kids, I adore them and would never ever really, say, sell them on Ebay. The husband, often referred to as Spousehole, is another story. Oh yeah - if you are under 18 (or if you are my husband), please leave now.

Friday, June 22, 2007

I Just Can't Leave Well Enough Alone

It's been almost two weeks since he called. He had two questions. Three, actually, but the first was business-related and was no big. The other two are what keep me up nights.

I've been in love without question four times in my life. M1, my high school boyfriend of over 2 years; broke my heart into a million tiny pieces. K, who has been in and out of my life for almost 20 years. K, who nurtured my wild side and taught me to fly my freak flag high and proud. I ran into K the weekend before the phone call. Whatever it is that K and I had, we've still got, nearly 20 years and Lord only knows how many pounds between us later. We can't even have a conversation in a public place without touching, standing far closer than society finds appropriate for platonic friends, etc. When it's just the two of us, we're perfect together. The rest of the time, eh, not so much. Such is life. He'll always have a place in my heart. And elsewhere. M2, my college and after boyfriend of 4+ years. Same name as husband. Almost married him. I still regret hurting him the way I did. Finally, M3, the husband. After initially dismissing him, I fell hard and fast. I still love him, through everything. Can't explain it, I just do.

Sure, there have been other boyfriends, casual flings, one-night stands. I was a serial monogamist, mostly. I might have said it to others. But M1-3 and K? Those 4 I truly love/loved.

When he called a couple weeks ago, after the business part was settled (and really - there are others who could have made that call; why did he volunteer?) he asked two questions:
1. Did you ever love me?
2. Are you happy?

My answers to him that afternoon:
1. No, never. What a ridiculous idea. You are a fool and a whiny idiot for asking. (Amazing how we fall into the old patterns. No other answer was even contemplated.)
2. Yes, I am.

Those are the answers I needed to say and he needed to hear. But I've had nearly two weeks to think about them. My answers to myself, after contemplating for almost 2 weeks:
1. Maybe, just a little.
2. Sometimes yes, more often no.

Regarding question #1, that ship sailed 11 years ago. What's done is done and I have very few regrets. However, NOW I resent the hell out of him for calling and upsetting the applecart. I was already on a slippery slope and his call pushed me completely off-balance. Look what's happened in that time.

#2 is the harder one. If I'm not happy, where do I go from here? Can M3 (the husband, Spousehole) and I make it work again? Setting aside the best interests of the children, do I want it to work for us? I know I still love him, for whatever reason. Does he still love me? Do I just need more Paxil? Will I ever stop all this ridiculous navel-gazing and just have fun again?


crse said...

Wow did you just poke a lot thats brewing inside for me right now.... i wonder where its all going for any of us?

Anonymous said...

I wish I had answers... Life is a funny funny place...

Edtime Stories said...

I really don't know what to say except keep thinking of what is best for you too.

Anonymous said...

naval gazing, one of my specialties. Damn him.