Ask and Ye Shall Receive

You asked, but it really isn't that interesting. The scoop on my latest "forbidden liaison:"

Not too much to tell, really. We met on AFF. We had dinner one night (like a real date!) and talked for a few hours. I wasn't feeling that spark of attraction and wasn't sure if I wanted to see him again. He is tall, fairly good looking, in excellent physical condition, but 49 and BLONDE. Blondes aren't always my thing. Guys that much older than me aren't always my thing, but like I said he is in excellent physical condition and this helps him to not look his age. It appears his marriages probably ended because he puts more time into being successful in his job (CEO of his own company) than being successful in marriage. I don't want to marry him, so this isn't an issue. So I did decide to see him again. Spark-free sex with a good-looking guy is still sex with a good-looking guy, right? We met at his place. More on that to follow.

He's been married twice and currently has a long-term girlfriend whose religious beliefs keep her from providing much in the way of sex. While I generally don't like to see single guys, the long-term girlfriend was close enough to being married. It would keep him from getting overly attached and gives him something to lose if our situation were to become known. Plus he is in a high-profile business situation where he might not want it known that he is a "player," so that helped too.

At his place we talked some more and it became apparent that he wasn't going to make the first move. So I did. We kissed. Not bad. We kissed some more. I felt like a high schooler, making out on the living room couch. I finally put his hand under my sweater, because I'm just impatient like that. (And his girlfriend was at church band practice and could be coming over within the nest hour to 90 minutes. No point wasting time.) That got the ball rolling. He dove right in, nuzzling, kissing, and sucking my breasts - that's what I was waiting for! It's kind of the test - you treat the girls right and you get to go further. If you don't treat the girls right, give them the attention they crave and deserve, you will be kicked to the curb. He passed the test.

We decided to move upstairs to his bedroom. He didn't need any more prompting. :-) He again dove right in, but I'm not talking about "the girls" anymore. Apparently he did learn a little something in two marriages - the man has a very talented tongue. It didn't take me long at all - sufficient time spent on my breasts means less work later! Apparently, I was having all the fun, because he was, ur, wasn't, um, well, you know. I was a bit concerned. After all, with the exception of Spousehole's erectile dysfunction issues I've discussed previously, I have very little experience with guys who aren't good to go after this much foreplay and such. My experiences tend more toward those like with PiC*, who is hard as a rock from the first kiss and that situation never changes until the main event has been concluded. If I was a heartless bitch, I would just say "Well I got mine, see you later. Good luck with that." But I am not that person. And it doesn't occur to me that this may be perfectly natural for a 49-year-old guy who is, for the first time, cheating on his girlfriend whose pictures are every. damn. where. No, it's clearly all about me. Of course my insecurities all rise to the surface. What goes through my head: "OMG, it must be because I'm too fat, I'm too ugly, I have all these stretch marks, I probably have bad breath -- wait, I know, it's that zit on the side of my nose that popped up this morning, isn't it? That must be it. OMG, I'm hideous!"

All that runs through my head, but mostly I take this as a challenge. I go with what I know is my best chance, the CPR of sexual moves: combined oral and manual stimulation. I start with my tongue on his balls, hand manipulating the joystick. BTW guys - a little manscaping can go a long way; just saying. Anyway, after a bit of this, we have a pulse, but it's weak. Stronger methods are definitely going to be necessary. The mouth and hand trade places. Alright, that's better now, definite "fluffing" going on. That's what we like to see! And what's that I hear - some gasping and moaning? Yes, this is what the doctor prescribed, no doubt. My original intent was to just get things in the proper condition then climb on top of that bad boy. But I was having so much fun I just couldn't bring myself to stop. Oral fixation: it can be a problem like that. So I continued and he didn't complain. At least I'm pretty sure those noises weren't complaints. ;-) How long did this go on? I have no idea. I didn't have my contacts in and I wasn't looking at the clock anyway. It lasted as long as it needed to last. It was a little while, but it paid off with his body-quaking, gasping-for-breath orgasm filling my throat. He kissed me (that's another key thing: if you won't kiss me after coming in my mouth, just take yourself to the curb and save me the trouble of kicking you there, 'k?) and held me as he caught his breath. Once able to speak again, he confessed his initial nervousness and tried to apologize for it. Of course, no apologies were necessary. Sheez.

After we dressed we kissed some more in the living room and agreed that there will be a next time. His girlfriend called and was leaving a message on the answering machine that she was leaving church as we were kissing, so I guess we timed that about right.

And you thought TMI was just for Tuesday.

*I've chatted with PiC more the last couple days than in a long while. Boy do I miss him!! Our schedules just haven't meshed at all since summer. For instance, he is off work right now because of a car accident and has had some time at home during the day without his wife and 4 kids when he could really use some company. I can't just leave my daughter at home by herself though, can I? Frustrating. If I could see him regularly, I wouldn't see anyone else. He's that hot and satisfies me that well.

Wednesday Mind Wanderings

Am I totally rockin' those fake sunglasses thingies
they give you after your eyes are dilated, or what?

__________________________

From this morning:

Boy is much perkier today. He actually wanted to put something in his stomach today, which is a big improvement. What he wanted was soy ice cream at 6:30 in the morning, but what the hey . . . at least he wanted to eat. I figured it would be okay just this once. Please don't tell the mommy police . . .

My mother is going to set foot in my house today. Third time in 2007! No wait . . . 4th. A minor miracle in itself. She lives 45 minutes away, but to hear her tell it she's practically a continent away. I have an ophthalmologist appointment today, so she's coming to watch the kids. She's not happy about it and will bitch about my imperfect housekeeping, but at least she's coming.

You have to understand my mom, who would never leave her house if she had the choice. She prefers that people come to her. When I lived in the same town, she still only set foot in my house maybe 10 times a year, not even once a month. Before I bought a house it was even less. When I went away to college, she came to campus 3 times in 4 years - and one of those was graduation. She never, ever saw where I lived in those 4 years. She'd pull up outside the buildings, but never got out of the car until graduation day. When I lived in Detroit (3 years), she visited twice - and one of those was for graduation. But she drives by herself to Iowa every year to visit her cousins, surviving aunts, and other assorted relatives. My sister and I know where we fall in the hierarchy.

I couldn't figure out why my nipples were so sore this morning. Walking around thinking "This is just weird. Kind of a good sore, but weird." Then I remembered, duh, PiC made me pinch and twist the heck out of them last night in a surprise, extended sexy IM session. Just when I think I'm bored of him and that he's reached the limit of his "freakiness," he surprises me by taking things a little further. I ::heart:: PiC today.

I had just wrapped up a chat with another friend and was headed to bed when PiC popped up on my screen. We haven't had a good IM session (more than hi, miss you, bye) in a long while. The stars apparently aligned, because both our families were in bed so we each had some time and some privacy. I won't get into much detail, but damn, I needed that. A bit of (tame) conversation:
(10:58:54 PM) PiC: I am such a perv
(10:59:22 PM) Bunny: No, not at all. Well, ok yes, but in a good way

Why can't my husband answer a simple yes/no question quickly? It just pisses me off sometimes. The other night, I was changing the bedding on my bed as Spousehole helped Boy clean up in the bathtub (Boy had thrown up all over my bed and himself). Standing at the linen closet, since I'm there anyway I asked "Honey, would you like a washcloth?" 15 seconds, silence. 30 seconds, nothing. 60 seconds, still nada. I sigh annoyedly (is that word?), close the linen closet door and return to my bedroom with the clean linens. Finally, I hear "Yeah Hon, that would helpful." He does that all the time. Like it takes a great deal of thought before he can answer a simple question. Others that have drawn this same extended silence before answering: "Do you have my car keys?" "Would you like some iced tea with dinner?" "I'm getting ice cream. Want some?" After waiting a bit, I usually just walk away. Then he gets huffy because I walked away before he could answer. It's like he's a computer that needs defragging or something. Can't access the needed information quickly.

I need a new pet. Someone to baby. My kids and my cats are sick of my babytalk and cooing. My daughter puts her finger on my lips and says "hush" when I babytalk her. The cats roll their eyes (I'm not kidding. They are the masters of the disdainful look. At 12, 9, and 9, they've heard it all and are no longer amused.) I really miss my dog. Perhaps a dog would be good. Or another rabbit. Dog would be better for the kids, they'd be too rough with a rabbit. And they want a dog BAD. They've been angling for one for quite some time. Just have to convince Spousehole. :)

Why Do People Cheat?

Interesting article by Dr. Laura Berman on why people cheat. It's a somewhat simplistic analysis, though that makes for a nice short article. She suggests that cheaters fall under one or more of the following categories: those feeling unappreciated by their partner, those seeking revenge on a cheating partner, and those bent on self-destruction because they cannot accept a good relationship.

I guess I fall under her first category, those who feel a need for appreciation. For a short time, I feel wanted, desired, and desirable when I am with PiC. He appreciates me and what I can do for him. I appreciate him and what he does for me. My husband, on the other hand, appreciates nothing I do. An example: Since having a second child, I have been washing and ironing his shirts at home, to save the money spent having them laundered. I hate it. Hate it. But his shirts need to be clean and pressed, so I do it. Yesterday I ironed seven shirts in the basement laundry room and carried them up to the living room on the main floor. Spousehole was sitting on the couch, watching the first Harry Potter movie for the umpteenth time. I handed him his shirts to take to the second floor and hang in our closet. He stared at me, initially refusing to take the shirts. He finally grabbed them, stomped upstairs, and yelled "What a lazy-ass bitch. You can't just carry them up one flight of stairs and hang them in the closet. Shit." No "Thanks honey for ironing my shirts for me, today and week in, week out, all year." Just bitching because I wanted him to carry them upstairs and hang them up.

Fuck him.

But I also see myself in her last category, those bent on self-destruction. I also seem to destroy the good things in my life. Maybe unconsciously I am looking to destroy my family. I sure hope not, but I could use some of the "love, praise, and affection" Dr. Berman suggests partners of a self-destructive person offer.

Her other category is revenge cheaters. There may be a little of that for me. Although he probably didn't complete the act, he wanted to and, I believe, intended to cheat on me. That's enough to spur me to revenge, I suppose.

If you have cheated, or have contemplated cheating, which category do you fall under? Or do your reasons not fit into Dr. Berman's simple framework?

Much, MUCH Better . . .

Wow.

Just . . . wow.

Did I mention "wow"?

Oh my, I do love coming home like this: still sweaty . . . legs still a little shaky . . . relaxed and satisfied.

That'll teach Spousehole to go to the cottage without me.

Guilt, or Lack Thereof: Revisited

What I wrote a couple days ago: I thought I would feel guilty. I thought I would be ashamed. After all, I made a vow. But I don't feel guilty. I knew it was wrong, but it felt good so I went ahead anyway. That's the usual recipe for guilt (and disaster). But I can't find the guilt. It's just not here. And I know that that's a bad, bad thing.

Still not feeling the guilt. Still knowing I should feel guilty, but just don't. After all, adultery is a pretty major sin (although, really - are there minor ones?). I've never cheated on my husband before. At least not to this extent. Full-blown, no question of "is it really cheating?," skin-on-skin, multi-position, sweating, sighing, moaning, exchange-of-bodily-fluids adultery. And I can guarantee it won't be the last time.

I love my husband. I will never willingly leave him. We have two children together. In many ways, we are good together. But a woman can only take so much sexual rejection. There comes a time when you just want to be admired and desired; to touch and be touched; to please and be pleasured. I don't want to hurt my husband, even though he regularly hurts me. I really don't want to cause him pain.

My adultery is not my husband's fault. I make my own choices, good or bad. But a little more attention and affection might have prevented this. We were home alone, no kids, from Wednesday evening until Saturday morning. I gave him opportunities, I tried to initiate a little something-something, and finally just came right out and asked for it, but he just wasn't interested. He took me to dinner and a movie one night, we did some household projects together (our home is in a constant state of renovation), and generally got along well. He wasn't unhappy with me. He just didn't want to have sex. Again. It's such a blow to my ego and self-esteem every time. Intellectually, I know it's not really me (though he sometimes says it is). I know that "performance anxiety" is an issue ever since his vasectomy. I addressed this briefly once before. I've suggested he talk to his doctor, but he's just too embarrassed to even acknowledge with me that there's a problem.

That was the turning point for me. I've been on the edge of the abyss for awhile. I joined a "hook-up" type web site a few months ago. I've emailed and chatted with a few people. I had been dancing around a meet-up with one guy. We had talked on the phone. Still trying to decide if I really wanted to go through with anything. On Saturday, my husband left to go up north to be with our kids and his siblings for Father's Day at his parents'. I stayed behind to spend Father's Day with my beloved Daddy. But that gave me all Saturday afternoon and evening with no husband, no kids.

I met up with the guy. Married with little to no sex, like me. We talked some more. God or fate or whatever even gave me another "out." Before things had gone beyond the point of no return, the guy and I were talking about church (yes, we're both Christians. Also sinners, obviously. Are you not? Then put the stones away.). He asked which church I belong to and I told him. He got a funny look on his face, was quiet for a moment, and finally asked "So do you know "Jane Smith?" I replied that I did, pretty well in fact, and he said "That's my sister-in-law. . . My wife's twin sister." I sat slack-jawed for a moment. You have to understand, our metropolitan area has between 500,000 and 1.3 million people, depending on how many communities you choose to include in the metro area. We'll go conservative with 500,000. Out of that many people, what are the odds that I will not only know the wife of the guy I'm considering hooking up with, but have worked on a couple projects with her, bought subs from her sons, and our daughters enjoy playing together? I shit you not. She doesn't attend our church, but has helped her sister out with stuff that I also work on. So that was my "out." I could've said "Gee, I know and like your wife. I just can't do this." I considered my options and didn't take the out (and neither did he). I can't say God didn't give me a chance. I chose my fate.

Quote of the day: "Your husband turns this down? He's insane."

Saturday, I teetered on the edge and then plunged head first into the abyss. It's dark, but not cold. Pretty darn hot, in fact. And I like it. Question is, will God forgive that for which I do not repent?

Guilt, or lack thereof

I thought I would feel guilty. I thought I would be ashamed. After all, I made a vow. But I don't feel guilty. I knew it was wrong, but it felt good so I went ahead anyway. That's the usual recipe for guilt (and disaster). But I can't find the guilt. It's just not here. And I know that that's a bad, bad thing.