Is it a sex blog? A mommy blog? A bitch & moan blog? Um, . . . yeah. This is my place to be totally honest. In my real life, I feel like I'm always lying to somebody about something. Here, I am totally honest. Brutally so. However, no matter what bad things I say about my kids, I adore them and would never ever really, say, sell them on Ebay. The husband, often referred to as Spousehole, is another story. Oh yeah - if you are under 18 (or if you are my husband), please leave now.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Why do I feel the need to tell y'all this?

Note: more defending myself re: this post.

I swear sometimes that this blog is turning into my own little counseling session, with you all ("y'all" for those of us who spent a few years or more in the south) as my counselors. But here's some more:

I've noted that Spousehole and I had a regular and vigorous sex life early on. Things declined after the conception and birth of Boy. That's common in most marriages, I think. Children change things drastically.

When Boy was 9 months old, one week after 9/11, Spousehole was laid off. It turned out he was the first of many and the company folded a few months later. Still, it was difficult because that was our only source of income. He found another job a couple months later, but with a hitch. It paid fairly well, but we had to pay 100% of the health insurance cost (about $1200/month). Not only that, but it was a 2 hour drive, EACH WAY, and called for 10-hour days. (He was at a nuclear plant, down near the Zigs). That 14 hours each weekday away from home. We lived like that for a year. But he had very little time at home and we were dealing with an infant whose developmental delays were becoming more apparent every day. Still, we managed to find our way back together once a month or even every couple weeks.

A year after the first layoff, Spousehole was laid off AGAIN (Sept 2002). We were still getting back on our feet financially after the first one and this was a real blow. It was still $1200 a month to continue health insurance and we just couldn't afford it on $600/week in unemployment benefits. So we let the health insurance go. Now, I haven't talked about this much, but I have been an insulin dependent diabetic for as long as I can remember. My health is generally good and I've been darn lucky. By the grace of God and the evil geniuses at Wal-Mart, insulin and needles are pretty affordable for me even without insurance. Test strips, less so, but do-able. But, and you probably saw this coming, I got sick within a month of losing our insurance. Racked up a few thousand in medical bills.

Spousehole got another job by Christmas 2002 (and health insurance kicked in there in March 2003). He was making almost 25% less than before, but we only pay a small portion of the health insurance premium and he only has a 5-minute drive to work.

But we still had those medical bills. Here's where it gets bad. I never told him about the bills. A lot of his ego is wrapped up in being a good provider, etc. It kills him that he does not provide for his family the way his father did for his when he was a kid. I don't give a shit if we are wealthy or not. As long as we have a roof over our heads and food on the table, I'm good. If I were concerned about having a lot of money, I would be working instead of staying home with my kids. I have never, EVER, complained about his abilities as a provider and never would.

Now, he knew I was sick. He knew there were bills. But he never asked how much and I never told him. I handled our money at that time (boy, has that changed!) and he almost always took a "don't ask, don't tell" approach to things. But there was no way we could pay those bills without some help.

His parents gave me the money to pay the bills. That's where I totally f'd up. Spousehole resents his father greatly. His father was an engineer-cum-executive with a major automobile manufacturer. He did very well for himself financially, but was a lousy father to Spousehole (he was better with the other kids, especially the much younger ones). On the rare occasions he was home, he constantly criticized Spousehole. It was severe. He once told him that he should divorce Spousehole's mother just to get away from him. Great guy. Starting to see where Spousehole learned his mad familial skillz?

Another 6 months or so went by and Spousehole found out about me getting money from his parents. He went ballistic. Threw me out of the house. This was accomplished by tricking me into getting into the car on the pretense of a shopping trip, driving to my parents' house, telling me to get the fuck out of the car, and driving away with my son.

He relented and let me come home within a couple days, but he has never trusted me since. He took over paying the bills (he's shitty at it, I always have to remind him to pay stuff). He never leaves more than a few hundred dollars accessible to me. Once more than that accumulates in our savings, he moves it to his personal savings account to which I do not have access. I don't mean it to sound like we have money problems, because we don't. Our only debts are our mortgage and a note on one car. No credit cards, nothing else. The other car, the motorcycle, the @!%^*&#$ catamaran - everything else was paid for in cash or is paid off.

Along with controlling me by not letting me have access to money, he started frequently withholding sex. It dwindled to maybe 3-4 times a year and he made me practically beg. Control is the name of the game around here. Then, in spring of 2004, after a 9-month drought, the Girl was conceived (the last time he ever initiated anything). This was a huge surprise, but he took it pretty well. However, it was over 18 months before we had sex again. He didn't want to have sex while I was pregnant (wasn't a problem the previous pregnancy) and then he said he was scared of another accidental pregnancy.

When Girl was about 6 months old, Spousehole got a vasectomy. We were getting along pretty well. Trust issues had mostly disappeared. He said he wanted to resume a more active sex life. I was thrilled. But it's been 2 years and that hasn't happened. We've had 8 encounters in the last 2 years, some not entirely successful. He has had some performance issues since the vasectomy and I think that just killed things for him. He has a very fragile ego. Suddenly, it's all my fault. Once again, he brings up trust. Says why would he want to be with me when he can't trust me. And besides, I'm ugly and fat (I'm not thin, but I weigh less than when we got married; and if I'm ugly now I must have been ugly then; it's only been 8 years). Then it became about the house. It's too messy, how can he feel like having sex when dirty dishes sat in the sink overnight a couple days ago and the kids' toys are on the living room floor?

We spent six months in counseling. He admits, however, that he didn't take it seriously until the very end. He couldn't get past thinking that if I would fix all the things wrong with me, everything would be fine. He has trouble accepting that we are equal partners in making it work or not.

And sex isn't our only problem. He has a lot of trouble telling me that he loves me (he said it this morning though - out of the blue!). He constantly criticizes. He says he can't say nice things to me because then I might believe them. (Yes, he actually said that!) He says it's not his job to make me feel better about myself by saying nice things. So, I can go all out to look good for a night out or something and he says NOTHING. If I say "Do I look alright?" he says "Stop fishing for compliments." But then I'll overhear someone say to him "Wow, dude, your wife looks fantastic tonight" and he'll say proudly "Yes, she does, doesn't she?" But he can't say it to me.

So that's how I ended up where I am today. Proving that his lack of trust has merit.


Finished Last said...

I have no words but I'm sorry. The guy has problems and it is a shame you have to bear the brunt of them.

Anonymous said...

Bunny ... it's the anonymous pastor again ...

You rock ... your site is honest, frank, open and wonderful. You conversation about you and hubby and the issues you are struggling with is one of the most honest and hope-filled things I've ever read.

Re-read your own posting. You're not perfect - you don't claim to be. Hubby is far from perfect. He needs to GO BACK to counselling ... he needs to talk about intimacy, trust, and his own sexuality.

Given that you and he and UM'ers, talk to your Pastor. (I wrongly assumed you were of a more conservative bent - sorry) He may know resources to help.

You've wandered else where because your hubby is too controlling, and clearly has issues with intimacy. His shit is fixable, if he takes it seriously.

I doubt it helps but know that YOU are not alone in this. I have talked to a dozen women just like you - their hubby's are too busy doing other stuff to do them ... and it kills relationships. I'm not one to say "kiss and make up" sometimes you need to lay it on the line and say - "get fixed or get out" ... His trust issues are his - not yours. Make him own them ... Then,and only then can the two of you start talking about patching things up ...

I see too many red flags here ... help your hubby see them too. They start back in his family of origin ... your kids don't need his baggage ...

just call me the irreverent lurking rev !! Talk to you soon

JeannieGrrl said...

Its always about whats wrong with us isn't it? And if we tell them that they flip out and say "Stop making this all about you!" Gods that drives me 'round the bend!!!

D said...

i had an ex-wife that was like this. notice i said ex-wife. i couldn't live with it. i admire you for sticking with it.

it sounds like multiple issues. control, trust, performance anxiety and intimacy. he is making excuses for it all. and he doesn't want to admit it is all his problem. you are doing all you can. he needs to get his act together.

just remember that this isn't a gender thing. i know women that are spitting images of your husband.

Anonymous said...

Bunny I don't want to offend you as I just found you site and your post yesterday was so great but honestly WHY do you stay with this man who calls himself your husband. I am just guessing that you are a beautiful vibrant passionate woman and you deserve someone who can love you as you deserve to be loved. As for lack of trust because you took money from his parents - tell him where he can go. If his parents wanted you to have it then so be it you did nothing wrong at all. I am sure you are a great Mom and wife so in my humber opinion if you can share the passion with your friend that lacks with the husband you go for it and just be happy because I thinkk the anonymous pastor will agree with me "God wants you to be Happy". Just be careful so husband cannot hurt you with your kids. Remember you are really great and he is the idiot for not realizing it!!

George said...

How can you possibly say his lack of trust has merit? Unless he has convinced you of that. I have only visited your site a few times and enjoy the posts but this one just sounds so wrong. Have you done anything that you haven't written that makes you undeserving of his trust? In my opinion, everybody should inherit some form of trust from the get go and until, and only until, he/she proves they don't deserve the trust then you take it away.

So he had a difficult time with his dad. You had the courage to get some financial help to get you out of what would have become an ever growing hole. Pride can be a foolish thing, especially when combined with an ego.

I work with a guy (asst department mgr) who has some serious problems of bullying in the office. He has the problem and we pay for his problems. It sounds like hubby has the problem and you and the children pay for his problems. That is not a healthy way to live and will only bring you down and keep you there.

You have to seriously sit back and say to yourself ... how much of this shit am I willing to put up with? How much can my children take before it starts to have an impact on them?

Switching gears for a moment ... I have been type 1 for 39 years. Last year partially due to the diabetes and partially due to the work environment I fell into a very deep, dark depression. It turns out that I have suffered from depression for more than 35 years (note the coincidence between the start of diabetes and the start of depression). I am on some pretty serious anti-depressants.

My point to all this is that if I didn't have insurance my prescriptions would cost me almost $1,000 per month. Fortunately my employer covers all the premiums.

Good luck to you. I'll be back to see how things are going.

jsull28fl@yaho said...

Ok that sucks
I can relate to being a god provider tho.
I want my bride and kids to never have to worry about the essentials.
But I cant seehow that relates to a sexless deal
my argument wasalways "damn baby this is free entertainment"!
I dunno any advice that will help you
I do understand him not wanting help from his folks reguardlessof his upbringig
but that would never ever equate to no or litle sex
love ur blog
wish I could help

G-Man said...

Hi Bunny,
What an honest, open, and depressing story!!
I've been insulin dependant now for about 12 years...Thank God for Blue Cross!!
You'll do well Bunny, you have a great head on your shoulders..
Endeavor to persevere!!!

John said...

Thank you for bringing such nice posts. Your blog is always fascinating to read.

ZigZagMan said... know I like ya buddy...and to be fair..I'm only reading your side of this.

Many many years ago I learned there are 3 side to every story...your's..thiers...and what's reall going on...the 3rd is usually someplace in the middle.

Having said observation from a guy looking in from the outside RE spousehole?

Having been divorced once myself...and a few years of bad marriage preceeding that divorce??

Nothing will kill your dick more than self doubt and self loathing.

Sounds corny as hell...but he can't love you "proper"....untill he loves "himself" proper, if he feels more or less a failure in his eyes....the man in the mirror will never feel like a man in your eyes...

Just my perspective....:)