Is it a sex blog? A mommy blog? A bitch & moan blog? Um, . . . yeah. This is my place to be totally honest. In my real life, I feel like I'm always lying to somebody about something. Here, I am totally honest. Brutally so. However, no matter what bad things I say about my kids, I adore them and would never ever really, say, sell them on Ebay. The husband, often referred to as Spousehole, is another story. Oh yeah - if you are under 18 (or if you are my husband), please leave now.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

I Give Up; Game Over

I've always heard that what ultimately is the last straw in a marriage is often something relatively inconsequential. It's not something big - an affair, money issues, abuse - it's something that would otherwise be a small thing, if not for the history.

That's how it is with me. It was something smallish that has made me finally ready to pull the plug. I've had enough. It's over. If he agrees, I'll stay through the end of this school year and then when summer comes, I'm moving out. I'll propose that we share custody of the children 50/50 and I will endeavor to remain in the same school district so that we won't have a problem there. The next 7 months should give me time to get a job, save a little, and prepare the kids for our separation. If all goes smoothly (ha!), we should be able to be divorced within a year. We'll argue over the how to apportion the equity in the house and 401K and IRAs, but hopefully we can be reasonable adults.

What pissed me off today? We were supposed to drive to the other side of the state to attend our niece's 3rd birthday party. I had to go have some blood drawn first thing this morning (fasting test) and was gone about an hour. I came home and Spousehole announced that I was not going. Boy coughed a couple times and he didn't want to take a sick child, so Boy and I would be staying home. Whatthefuckever. He told me to hand over the checkbook and I told him I didn't have it and he got all pissy. I let him search my purse and coat pockets until he was satisfied. If it's missing, it's on him because I haven't seen it in more than a week.

He took us all out to breakfast, where he was a complete asshole to me the whole time. He then dropped the Boy and I off at home and he and Girl left for metro Detroit. Thirty minutes later, I tried to log onto the computer and found that the SOB had changed my password. Again. Changed Boy's too, to try to keep me from logging on that way. Goddamnmotherfuckingasshole.

I couldn't even call and bitch him out because he said before he left that his phone wasn't charged. He seemed a little pissy that I didn't offer him mine, but whatever. His problem.

Thoroughly pissed, I used a Ubuntu live CD to log on. He had disabled booting from the CD to stop me from doing that, but I know how to fuck with BIOS too. I'm not the complete goddamn idiot he thinks I am. But I was so pissed, I decided to just reinstall the whole operating system. It meant losing all my data (probably 500 pictures, all my mp3s, everything) but to me it is worth shooting myself in the foot. Now the computer only responds to me. My passwords, my system admin rights. Fuck him.

Edit @ 8:50 p.m.: He called a while ago to say he and Girl were heading home. He was as nice as could be. I'm not going to tell him my plan right away. Next weekend the kids will be gone with his parents and I'm going to talk to him then. I plan to present it as a done deal. I still want to go to counseling - not to save the marriage, but to end the marriage as peacefully as possible and help the kids (and us) with the transition. After all, we've been together 10 of our 40 years. Letting go will be hard for us too.

21 comments:

Sue said...

*hugs*

Jen said...

De-lurking to say good luck. And make sure you get to keep the knives. ;)

George said...

What a fucking surprise. Are you sure you're OK? It's probably the best move you have ever made.

You should partition the hard drive ... keep the OS on 1 partition and all your data, pics, mp3, movies, whatever on the other partition. That way, if you have to reinstall again you'll not lose the stuff on the 2nd partition.

[[[[[HUGS]]]]]

Elizabeth said...

Another de-lurk.

Hugs. Just *hugs*.

E

TAG said...

'Tis a difficult decision to be sure. But from what you've said here it seems this was inevitable.

The good thing for you is you have marketable skills. How much harder your situation would become if you were one of those women who married right out of high school and devoted your life to hubby.

Best of luck.

TAG

Violetta said...

Better an end with a crash, than a crash without end...

Edtime Stories said...

I hope the you can make the transition without too much pain and fighting.

hug

Renee said...

B, I feel like you're headed in the right direction. This won't be easy, but you're a smart, tough lady and you can do this. You deserve a happy life. Always remember that.

(((HUGS)))

Amorous Rocker said...

*HUG* Good for you honey.

searabbit said...

Thinking of you... Yes, it will be hard... but do you have another choice?
Good luck!

sandy shoes said...

Bunny, I haven't known you long, and only online at that. But this seems like a very sane, very smart, thing to have decided.

You know a good lawyer, yes?

Trueself said...

I hope everything goes well for all of you. {{hugs}}

D.A.D. said...

I am sorry that it has had to end this way, but sometimes it is best. My thoughts are with you. This has inspired a blog that I am about to write. I will not link this until I get your go ahead.

Lady in red said...

Bunny I am kind of pleased for you but also worried. From now until it is over you will have to be stronger than ever before.
If he behaves anything like SF did then he is going to make your life hell while you are both in the same house. I assume you will either move yourself or him into another bedroom. Put a strong lock on your door and keep a diary of everything he does and says to you.

I would be happy for you to email me if you would like to.(ladyinred62@hotmail.co.uk) I had to live in the same house with SF for 7 months. He was fine with the children but a bastard to me every time he saw me. I have been thinking about doing a post about my experience of divorcing my husband, I will probably do this once I have finished 'owning my cancer'.

all the hugs in the world to you

Hank said...

*hugs*

gretty said...

I'm on your side. I agree with l.i.r. - keep safe. It might not be a bad idea to have an 'escape plan' in place should the need arise. Good for you and good luck!

terry said...

bunny, good luck. this won't be easy, but as someone else already said, it seems inevitable.

and you'll be amazed at how much better life will be on the other side of all the pain and ugliness.

Nancy said...

Another de-lurker here . . . I've only been reading your blog a little while, but I've looked through the archives and wish you luck as you move on. I don't know how you've dealt with his childishness this long! Don't let anyone talk you out of moving forward. *g* Take my word for it, second marriages are worth waiting for!

Blue said...

I feel like I'm walking in on an argument and feel rather awkward. Maybe I should just walk out and close the door behind me.

Dates Bubbas said...

My heart aches, babe. It's NEVER an easy decision to split no matter the reason. I do like the fact that you finally took control of the computer. I'm sure that'll send him through the roof, but enough IS enough already. I like what George said, too. That's probably sane thinking as computers go anyway.

NEVER forget that you are a valuable, lovable, intelligent woman and a great mom. No matter what anyone else says.

I've been there... I've been where ladyinred's been, too. It sucks, but it's for the best. I'm here if you need someone to talk to, need to hear it'll get better, just need a phone hug!!

Vixen said...

How did I miss this post???

....it just showed up in bloglines. Huh.

God. HANG IN THERE chickie. Good for you, regaining some control and power. Who does he think he is!? Grrr.....

xoxoxo