Is it a sex blog? A mommy blog? A bitch & moan blog? Um, . . . yeah. This is my place to be totally honest. In my real life, I feel like I'm always lying to somebody about something. Here, I am totally honest. Brutally so. However, no matter what bad things I say about my kids, I adore them and would never ever really, say, sell them on Ebay. The husband, often referred to as Spousehole, is another story. Oh yeah - if you are under 18 (or if you are my husband), please leave now.

Monday, November 19, 2007

A Sad Day

I'm kind of weepy today. Feeling very emotional, vulnerable, heartbroken. Spousehole has been good, pleasant. He admitted to me that he cried last night over where we've ended up. I have never seen him cry in 10 years that we've been together. He had tears in his eyes before he returned to work after lunch. We're being very pleasant, very adult, with one another. It can't last.

The holidays will be hard. I know I'll constantly be thinking "This is the last time we'll do (whatever) as a family" and will be on the verge of tears all the time. My family will be able to read what's going on, I'm sure of it. They'll figure it out before the pie is served on Thursday.

His family is generally more oblivious to such things. They probably won't have a clue until we tell them. We are planning to wait a while to tell them, get through the holidays and get closer to being able to actually divide into two households.

When we get along as well as we have the last couple days, part of me wants to run to Matthew and tell him that I was wrong, we can work it out, our children need an intact family. But that's the emotional idealistic part of me and the intellectual part of me knows that the idealistic part is always wrong. We can't make it work because neither of us really wants it to work. If we did, we would have been working harder all along instead of driving ourselves further and further apart every day.

We said yesterday that we still love each other, so hopefully we can use that love to keep things civil as we proceed. That and our mutual love for our children. I'm terrified of the future, but hopeful as well.

18 comments:

Sue said...

Just some Hugs. I know those days. Plus, it's cold and rainy here, is it there too? Gloomy weather makes falling into sad/weepy all too easy.

TAG said...

Chin up and look on the bright side. Think of your future and be hopeful. Don't look at the past and be sad.

I always go back to something I've told my daughter many times when she would be upset with her mother when she was being unreasonable.

Do not feed todays happiness to yesterdays monster. Keep your happiness for yourself. Without that happiness the monster will die and you will be happier too.

TAG

George said...

Don't look back ... a new day/life beckons you and a new holiday season will be there for you.

The future is bright Bunny.

Trueself said...

It's not easy to end a relationship that has lasted a long time, even when it is not a good one. I know. I'm right there in the midst of it too. You're going to have your sad days, but over time it will get easier. . . she says hopefully.
{{HUGS}}

Lady in red said...

just remember each day you can get through is a day nearer to being happy.

take each day one at a time

hugs from someone else who has been tearful today (out of character)

Keshi said...

G'daY Bunny! Im here from my mate George's blog.

Sending u loads of angel blessings n positive vibes. HUGS!

Keshi.

Vixen said...

*hugs*

As bad as the end of my marriage was, I still can get teary and sad over all the 'what ifs' and 'that was the last...'.

The holidays will be difficult. Hang in there chickie.

Rae said...

*Hugs* Just *hugs* :-) I hope tomorrow is a bit better

Blue said...

I don't know what to say. It all seems so... wrong. Maybe a hug from someone you don't even know will help. Somehow.

You will find the strength where you least expect it.

izzy said...

Aww, Bunny, I'm sorry. I'm sad for you; as miserable and unsatisfied and all that you were, it's still going to be hard.

The what ifs don't matter; there is no future. There is only now.

How zen of me. =P

Fusion said...

Hi Bunny, I came here through George, but I've seen you post on mutally read blogs too. Just wanted to say good luck and glad to hear your making a change for you, sounds like it was a long time coming. Best wishes, John

searabbit said...

When everything got awful and that I was sure to never return where I was with my husband, he insisted for us to, at least, have a try at fixing things... He did all the nice stuff I was missing since years... taking me out to restaurants, to shows, even taking me to a dance place... I know he really did all he could, but it is me who was now just annoyed... and really not interested... It lasted for two weeks before I couldn't take it anymore... Yes I wanted a meaningful relationship, but it was impossible to have it with him after all that time...
It didn't change the fact that once we splitted for good (and it wasn't nice, that last time) I had many weeks of insecurity and regrets...
Bunny, before splitting, people seem to think that, after many years of marriage not going well, it should be an easy thing... Those who did it know that it is something so hard that it is a bit unbelievable... no matter how much we wanted it...
So, if you think there is just one tiny chance to fix things between you, take that last chance... At least, you'll know you did it, for both of you...
I don't know, maybe fix a period, like a month to find out if it is possible or not to have your relationship working again...
Hey... I'm getting emotional toward what you are going through... so many things are stired up... ;-( Sorry if I'm writting so long... ;-(

Helen said...

Hey Bun, I'm here from George's blog, just wanted to give you a virtual pat on the back, buy a virtual cocktail, and give you a mantra: "This too shall pass, this too shall pass"

sandy shoes said...

I know how you feel, a bit.

Bring tissues everywhere you go for the next year or so. I remember breaking down in the grocery store a lot.

You will get through this. You will. Hearts break so they can mend.

wisdomstuff said...

Good luck. It's never easy.

Dates Bubbas said...

Be hopeful - it uses less of your energy than being fearful. You're going to need your energy to get on with your new life. Just you and the kids... no more abuse.

Dates Bubbas said...

P.S. We never did hear what Spousehole had to say about the computer reformat...

paula coelho said...

Think tomorrow will be another day and everything can get better every day is a different day

think I sleep tomorrow I think different and better
everything goes much strength to you

in Brazil think so

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