Is it a sex blog? A mommy blog? A bitch & moan blog? Um, . . . yeah. This is my place to be totally honest. In my real life, I feel like I'm always lying to somebody about something. Here, I am totally honest. Brutally so. However, no matter what bad things I say about my kids, I adore them and would never ever really, say, sell them on Ebay. The husband, often referred to as Spousehole, is another story. Oh yeah - if you are under 18 (or if you are my husband), please leave now.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

While It's Nice That I'm Not Alone In My Depression . . .

. . . doesn't it seem odd how very many bloggers are going through a rough time right now?

Maybe it's just the particular group I read, but it seems like A LOT of people are experiencing depression right now. Whether new for them or yet another battle in an ongoing war, it just seems like everywhere I turn bloggers are talking about their depression.

I know I'm going through a really bad time right now. Lots of crying for no apparent reason, inability to enjoy things that should be enjoyable, intense desire to kill my spouse . . . oh wait, that last one is pretty normal for me. I missed my meds for a couple days and thought that was the problem since I did feel some better when I returned to taking them, but it didn't last. Depression brings out "thrill seeking" behavior in me and I find myself inclined to such behavior lately.

I have battled clinical depression for many years. I take the "maximum therapeutic dose" of a common anti-depressant and anti-anxiety drug. In the past I have had to add a second anti-depressant for a while and I think that this may be one of those times. I am not suicidal or anything, but I am certainly not doing well. I confessed to my doctor on my last visit (last month) that I do think about suicide every day, but I feel no compulsion to act on those thoughts. I thought that was a good thing, but the doc didn't think so. Apparently normal people don't think about suicide every day. Hmm. Having never been "normal," I was not aware of that fact. Seriously.

In the middle of an argument this morning where we threatened to leave one another and take the kids, Spousehole said it would be better for the children and him if I just disappeared and never came back. And I'm in such a bad state lately that I actually thought he might be right. Of course, he is NOT correct, as my children need me and I need them. I will not be taking his suggestion. I don't think he was suggesting I kill myself, just leave and never come back.

I'm beginning to think that there is something to the idea of S.A.D. - Seasonal Affective Disorder. Really, can it just be coincidence that so many of us have gone downhill in the last few weeks as the amount of sunlight has decreased? What do you think? What's up with all of us?

Suicide is Painless


Loving Annie said...

Good Saturday morning Bunny !

Yes, I definitely think you are right. The holidays, and all of the Norman Rockwell advertising emphasis on togetherness and happy families just seems to depress people when reality doesn't match up to widespread public relations and alll those holly jolly christmas carols...

Left you a link on my 'thank you's post today, - you commented 15 times on my blog last month !!! You are a dear. THANK YOU.

And please don't kill youself. We would miss you. Your friends would miss you. Your family would NEVER get over it. Never. No matter how Spousehole says things to hurt you, the kids' lives would be shattered forever.

Loving Annie

terry said...

this is a weird time of year for a lot of people, i think... especially, as annie points out, with the holidays approaching and the weather changing.

hang in there and don't be too hard on yourself.

Steff said...

Sorry to hear that you're having a rough time of it lately. I'm sure that the holiday season can be hard if your reality doesn't mesh with the hype. (Sorry Annie...I totally just re-worded what you said but it was really good!) Maybe just making some time for you will help set things right. Right might not be the best word, but maybe it'll help you feel more grounded.

And you probably don't want to drop in for visit at my piece of blogland either. I'm someone who thrives in this season so I'm probably coming off as some perky flake you'd like to slap. Though that might make things better too! :)

Michelle L. said...

There is definitely something to the lack of sunlight affecting our mood.

You can even get a "Happy Light". A friend of mine uses one and she would not give it up for anything.

Vixen said...

Depression sucks. :( I have battled with it myself. Sometimes I know why I am having such a hard time and others I am at complete loss as to the sadness I feel.


BTW, did you retort back with maybe Spousehole should just leave?! Ass. (sorry)

Rae said...

I've battled with it too, in fact this is about the only time in a long time that I can remember NOT being depressed for that period where daylight savings time kicks in and we have that sudden lack of sun.

I actually think that blogging has is certainly therapeutic. I am sorry to hear that you are in such a bad way, and you're right--Spousehole is completely incorrect, he's even more of a Spousehole for throwing your past problems back in your face.

I hope your feelings lift soon, all of your faithful readers are here to support you!

Em said...

The season really does bring people down...both because if the activities and because of the change in the actual season. S.A.D. is so very real.

I've only been reading your blog for a short while, but let me just say that spousehole sounds like a real a-hole. At least in that particular moment you shared.

TAG said...

S.A.D. is very real. Please consider getting yourself one of those lamps designed to simulate the sunlight.

Also, I have to disagree with your last statement. Suicide is far from painless. It would leave a hurt with your family that would last for generations. Next time you consider it, think about your family. You don't want them to bear that burden the rest of their lives.


oatmeal girl said...

SAD is very very real. and you can have it on top of regular depression. when i lived in southeast michigan, which gets very cloudy in the winter, the only thing that kept me from killing myself was that i didn't have the energy for it. however, i thought that if i got cancer again and died this time it would be ok. a day in which i got the laundry done was considered very productive. my (now ex-) husband was carrying on that i hadn't balanced the checkbook in months, and i was standing there crying against the doorjamb, trying to explain that the checkbook was the least of it - i wanted to be dead.

what saved me was drugs and a light box and a good doctor, and eventually the end of the marriage and a move to somewhere with more light and good friends. i still use the lightbox and take lots of drugs; the dosage goes up and down depending on the season. multiple antidepressants can be used to boost the effectiveness of each one. talk to your doctor. and if this one isn't taking your talk of suicide seriously enough than find another or call a hotline.

check out this website
including the research and learn session. and feel free to contact me privately if you want to discuss this further. i've been dealing with it for a good 20 years. and good luck! (you can e-mail me via my profile)

ps - no one should have to put up with abusive, controlling treatment from a spouse/partner. it can destroy your mind and your soul.

pps - i suspect the thrill-seeking behaviour brings out endorphins that cut through the depression. exercise does the same thing.

wisdomstuff said...

I hope you feel better. I know all too much about depression, I actually left my ex because of it, his issue not mine. It got to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I went through years of trying to make him better, seemed more interested in it then he did. He is still miserable, moreso now but I'm so much better. I guess I sometimes feel a bit guilty about that. Hang in there, I really do hope you feel better soon.

Sulpicia said...

Gah. I've been toying with writing a post about just this topic for two-three days now... Decided to AVOID it. And focus on beds and other people. I am astounded by how many people deal woth depression. SAD, sure. But I think it's mostly the TIMES we live in. The world is SICK. Now there's a happy comment for you. Chin up. I got dressed today.

Polt said...

Sorry, Bunny sweetie. i wish there was something I could say to lift your spirits. I was in a rut like that for a few months, and i couldn't explain it either. But things are better now, and they'll get that way for you too. keep your head, and now that people out here in blogger land love ya!


XI Summit said...

"S.A.D. - Seasonal Affective Disorder" Trust me, it's real and I live with it. Hits me almost every year about this time: Lack of energy, sour mood, etc. made all the worse when life is not so fun on top of it.

Light, preferably daylight, helps a lot. And activity.

George said...

As everybody else has commented, SAD is very real ... I have it but not bad enough to have to use a lightbox. I do suffer from severe major depressive disorder ... the new name for clinical depression. Thanks to drugs and a pretty positive outlook I am good most of the time.

I have had shit thrown in my face by the ex ... for years, in almost every argument no matter what the subject of the argument ... oh yeah, well wait until I tell everybody you tried to kill yourself you ... and then a string of names. Yes I did attempt sucide once and I know that next time I won't fail.

Spouseasshole ... he is an infection that is going to hurt you. Mo matter what you do, how you feel, he will always open his mouth or do something that reflects the vile pus he has inside him

The Silent Male said...

Bunny, it sounds like you have some really great support regarding the medical side of the issue.
You said in the post that divorce and custody battle were inevitable. So here is some support there. No matter what he says he will use against you to get custody away from you, nothing is guaranteed.
If this really is inevitable, then start researching now. It isn't something you have to act on. Just start researching. Since there is risk of him figuring out everything you are researching on the Internet from home, then go to the library. Learn as much as possible as you can about what affects custody decisions. The more you know, the more you can help an attorney. The easier it is for both of you (attorney and you) to get what you want from from a divorce and custody agreement/settlement.
Anyway, there is lots of information you can get from the Internet, and lots you can get from books at the library. Studying the divorce and child custody laws for you state won't be easy (because legal crap is never written to be easily understood by us normal folks), but learning as much as you can about it (and not sharing with the spouse) will give you an advantage.
I would be happy help you find information that would help you, and I imagine I am not the only visitor here who would gladly help (and I'll bet you have a visitor or two who could help more than I could).

Lady in red said...

I have always suffered from S A D but not so badly that I need to do anything about it. I also suffered from clinical depression years ago but refused to take medication as I hated the feeling of constantly being about 2 inches off the floor. I learnt to write my thoughts and feelings down which is why blogging is such a godsend to me. One time I got as far as writing out lists of how I wanted my belongings shared out. But in the end I couldn't do anything as I realised how much it would hurt my family.
Even now when I have been so much happier in the last 2 years I am still suffering from mild depression but I get by most of the time.
SF used to tell me to go live somewhere else leave him and the kids behind. He tried to convince me that I was an unfit mother. He told me that he could make me feel within a week that I would want to kill myself. He did but I just sat in my car at work sobbing my heart boss came and sat with me then I went to see my GP. He put me on anti depressants again. But I got through it and I am still here with my kids and SF has gone.

Kiki said...

First, here's a GREAT BIG {{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}} for you Bunny.

It seems that everyone agrees that the S.A.D. is in effect the Nth degree.

You really worry me by saying that you think/have thought about suicide everyday, but have no compulsion to do it. Yet, you stated that depression brings out thrill-seeking tendencies. That can be a very dangerous combination.

I am only saying this because at one time, I found myself thinking about suicide everyday. It got to the point where I visualized myself stepping off the curb in front of a huge truck. Or in front of a train.

I can't believe Spousehole would say something like that to you about things being better if you left. That really makes me angry. No one should EVER say such a thing, no matter how incredibly selfish they are. (sorry)

Please don't act on your thoughts. We would all miss you too much. You are wonderful the way you are, and if anyone fails to see that then it is their loss.

We love you Bunny!!!

Dates Bubbas said...

I have one question: Did you tell your doctor WHY you feel this way? Did you tell him about your overly controlling and abusive spouse?

After reading post after post of what you go through everyday, I don't see any SAD or other reason that you should be in a funk EXCEPT that you are with Spousehole. Killing him? Yeah, none of us would convict you. Killing yourself? I'd go hunt you down and find you in my next life.

Seriously... besides this blog, it's time to start documenting what he's doing and when. You know this - you're a lawyer. I assure you that your "depression" will go away when Spousehole does. In fact, it just occurred to me that Boy is probably reacting to all of the stress in your house by not wanting to ride the bus. While you're doing that, the next time you see your doctor it's time to come clean about why you feel miserable all the time. This isn't a situational thing - it's hurting you in the long run. This kind of stress kills people and we don't want it to kill you, so get that little cottontail of yours in gear.

Zoely said...

i dunno about SAD, as my sh*t is ongoing, but i'm here for ya & with ya, anyway.

Charlie said...

I dont know..mine is just life poo being flung around in every corner..I try and look for humour now. Make time for myself, tonight is definitely bath/face pack night and a crappy magazine..I think blue skies do make things seem better, but I have no idea why so many of us are being affected all at once. I think we should all get together, stick the kettle on/open a couple of bottles and just vent! Im sending all good thoughts your way, Bunny..and hope they get to you.x