Sex, God, and Sushi

I totally blew off both my family and my book group tonight. Told the book group I had family things to attend to; told Husband I was going to book group and left him with the kids. Took myself out for sushi and hung out at the bookstore. Drove around singing "Better Now" by Collective Soul loudly and off-key. Must have been quite the dorky sight in my mommy-van.

Tonight I re-read a passage in Rob Bell's Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections between Sexuality and Spirituality that I found particularly telling. In the book, Bell discusses reclaiming sex for God. That sex is less about procreation and pleasure, though it includes those things, and more about reconnecting with people. That in the Garden of Eden, all were connected but "original sin" disconnected us from God and each other. God reconnected with us by coming to our level, in the form of Jesus. For Bell, sexuality is not just about a physical act, but a reconnection with humanity and a specific human. I make it sound heavier than it is -- the book is actually very readable and I highly recommend it.

Anywhoo, around the middle of the book, Bell is discussing how spouses or SOs should love each other with Agape, selfless love, like God loves all people. Reflecting God in our love of others. I realize that I don't have that in my marriage. Spousehole only loves me if I do what he wants, in the way he wants it done, and at the time he wants it done. Only if I am who he wants me to be, someone I have never been. He sets conditions on his love and sets the bar so high that I can never meet it. He has actually told me that I haven't earned his love. Bell describes agape thusly:

"Agape doesn't love somebody because they're worthy.

Agape makes them worthy by the strength and power of it's love.

Agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful.

Agape loves in such a way that it makes them beautiful.

There is a love because, love in order to, love for the purpose of, and then there is love period. Agape doesn't need a reason." Sex God, p 120.

Wow. So not what's happening in my house.

I figured out something else. I know Spousehole's constant criticism of me - bad wife, bad mother, bad Christian, bad overall human being - is in large part a way of making himself feel better about himself; his own self-esteem is in the toilet. That I realized a long time ago. The new realization: I think that, in a way, he does not respect me because I love him. He knows he is not the person he could be and if I love him anyway, I must be weak and deluded. Not that I think he is consciously thinking this through, mind you. But it's kind of like Groucho Marx's old joke about not wanting to join any club that would have the likes of him as a member.

So what am I going to do about it? Not sure yet. That's some thinking for another solo drive. We did the counseling thing for about 6 months in 2005-06 (where I got hooked on Rob Bell's NOOMA series). After all that time, Spousehole admitted that he didn't even take it seriously until the last couple sessions. Frustrating.

Post-script: In the interest of full-disclosure: Rob Bell lives in my town and I've heard him speak several times. I do not attend his church and I don't recommend his books and vids just because I've met the guy and think he is completely adorable. I recommend them because they're thought-provoking and educational and even entertaining.