Is it a sex blog? A mommy blog? A bitch & moan blog? Um, . . . yeah. This is my place to be totally honest. In my real life, I feel like I'm always lying to somebody about something. Here, I am totally honest. Brutally so. However, no matter what bad things I say about my kids, I adore them and would never ever really, say, sell them on Ebay. The husband, often referred to as Spousehole, is another story. Oh yeah - if you are under 18 (or if you are my husband), please leave now.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Betrayal, Part I

Soon it will be one year. One year since he lost my trust. Since I was (was I?) betrayed. I don't know if I will ever know the truth. Does it even matter what really happened? Or is the damage done either way?

Last June, he announced one day that he was going to visit a friend in Traverse City. I wasn't aware he had a friend in TC. He said she was someone he knew in grad school, someone he “ran into” the previous month when he was in TC for work. (I learned later that he looked her up and asked her to meet him for drinks.) He said she was a good friend to him all those years ago; she's married, but separated; and he's going to see her TODAY, take her to dinner, a ride on the motorcycle, catch up, and then come home.

I'm stunned. I've never heard of her in the 9 years we've been together. Yet, with only an hour's notice, he's leaving the kids and me to go have dinner with her. Doesn't invite us, or even just me, to go along and meet this great friend of whom I've never heard. Oh, and he bought a new leather jacket that morning to look good for the trip. But he tells me I have nothing to worry about. Would he tell me where he was going and with whom if there was anything to hide?

He leaves and I go where I know I will find out more. I log into one of his email accounts. I know the password; I set up the account. There they are: her emails to him. They've been emailing through his work account, but he's forwarded and saved all her email here, on the account I set up for him. No big, right? I correspond with male friends and I'm not fooling around. I read the emails; I'm only getting what she said to him, since he's saved only hers to him. His emails to her would've been sent from the work account.

Mostly they seem to be conversing about common interests, people they know in common, parenting. No problem, what was I so worried about? Then I find it Her reply to him says, “I love you too, AS A FRIEND. I love you as a friend but nothing more.” My mind races. What did his email to her say? I'll never know.

I put the kids to bed. I listen for him to return. 2:00 a.m. . . . 3 a.m. . . . 4 a.m. . . . I drift off. The ringing phone wakes me at 6:15 a.m. The machine answers. “Bunny, it's me. Pick up the phone. Please. I'm so sorry. Please. Nothing happened. I swear. Please just pick up. Okay. Okay. We stayed up late talking and it was just too late to ride the bike back. Too cold. I stayed at her house, that's where I am now, but nothing happened. But I realize now that I love you. Do you hear me? I love you. I'm so, so sorry. She's helped me see that I've always loved you. I expect too much, I don't treat you like I should. I love you. Please pick up Bunny . . . .” It goes on like that until the machine times out.

When he gets home, he asks if I trust him. I say I do. But I don't. It's a full week before we have it out.

Him: I told you I love you. There's nothing more to say.

Me: Did you sleep with her?

Him: I didn't have sex with her.

Me: Did you kiss her?

[No answer]

Me: Did you sleep in the same bed?

[No answer]

Me: Did you tell her you love her? Last weekend or ever?

Him: If you can't accept that I love you, I'm here with you, there's nothing more I can say. I didn't have sex with her.

Me: Because you never thought of it or because she said no?

[No answer]

. . . .

Sometime later I say I believe him. I say I trust him. But I don't. I'll never know the truth. He's still here. I'm still here. He says he loves me. I say I believe him. But I don't know.


craig andrew said...


JeannieGrrl said...

Oh hun, I'm so sorry.. I know that in your shoes I'd feel just as bad whether he did or didn't actually do the deed. If he meant to or even wanted to then the intent was there and thats as bad as doing it. If she said no then cudos to her for being a good person and bless her soul but if he tried to get her to give in or if he even simply hinted at it - thats wrong. I guess I'm saying that in my opinion it all boils down to intent rather than the act itself. If the intent was there for him the to me its the same thing as if he'd gone all the way with it.

Bunny said...

Thanks, Jeannie. That's exactly it. The damage is done either way.

sm said...

Sad story. I believe in Karma. And it will surely come around for him - and not in a good way.

Techguy said...

The deed is done, whether or not he actually did...the REAL question he a good Dad? is he a good Husband? If hes an abuser, alky or serial cheater...and deep in your heart you know that last answer...all bets are off...but if not, your years of marriage, and most importantly YOUR SON is what's really important...Oh yes, hubby must know that he will be under a microscope...until he can earn some of your trust back...but barring the 3 conditions mentioned above, your boy deserves to have an intact home and the love of both his father and mother...Advice from the father of many children...

Techguy says: WORK IT OUT...for the boy's sake...

God Bless you and your son

Rex Venom said...

Rock on .

Cherrie said...

I always say it's the deception that kills relationships, not the sex.

By not explaining what he was doing long before he left to meet her, and by holding out on you after he returned, I'd say you are justified in not trusting him.

But could you have handled the truth if he did make full disclosure?

Pandora said...

Hi Bunny
Trust is an awful thing to lose in a relationship. And I agree with Jeaniegrrl, the INTENT is the same as the action. But you're still with him right? That means that you've already given him a second chance. And if he knows what a special things he's got - he will hold onto that second chance and earn your trust back.
But he has to do this on his own - you can't make him "pay" for it. That will just push him away.