Is it a sex blog? A mommy blog? A bitch & moan blog? Um, . . . yeah. This is my place to be totally honest. In my real life, I feel like I'm always lying to somebody about something. Here, I am totally honest. Brutally so. However, no matter what bad things I say about my kids, I adore them and would never ever really, say, sell them on Ebay. The husband, often referred to as Spousehole, is another story. Oh yeah - if you are under 18 (or if you are my husband), please leave now.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

The Reluctant Recipient: Why Some Women Don't Want to Go There

This is a follow-up to this post, which was a response to this one: At Longing's End.

Some have asked, why are some women reluctant to have their partner perform cunnilingus?

The answers are as varied as the women who feel that way, I'm afraid. But I'll try to cover what I think are the most common reasons.

A women may feel like she just can't ask something so "gross" of someone she cares for. She may feel that, no matter how much you say you want to do this for her, no matter how much you say you like it, no reasonable person could possibly want to place his mouth to her genitals. This can come from an ingrained belief that genitals are dirty and "bad." It can also come from a feeling that she doesn't look, taste, or smell good. She may be worried about vaginal secretions. She may be concerned that it will take too long. She may be apprehensive about being so very open to someone, baring her most private parts for up-close inspection, naked and vulnerable. Some women aren't terribly familiar with themselves "down there" (after all, we have to make an effort to look at ourselves) and are concerned with what you are seeing that she may never have seen. A woman may also have had a previous partner who reinforced her concerns or was just not terribly good at it (or just not interested in what he was doing) so it wasn't pleasurable for her. Some women feel disconnected from their partner - he or she is "down there" doing their thing and she's almost not even part of it.

If a women is concerned about all these things, imagine how difficult it is for her to just "lay back and enjoy it!" Our brain is our biggest sex organ and if you don't have the brain's attention, you may as well just give up.

Overcoming the Reluctance

Face it, all we women have had that "not so fresh feeling" at times. Unfortunately, that feeling was reinforced by the ridiculous douche and "feminine cleansing" commercials of the 70s and 80s. That can lead to women feeling that she should feel, smell, and taste like a "summer breeze" or some other ridiculous notion. If you think this is her problem (or heck, if it IS her problem - let's be real here: a vulva that's been trapped in panties, pantihose, pants, jeans, whatever all day may not be as fresh as anyone would like, just like male genitals might be a little sweaty or whatever after a long day) - shower or bathe together first, making sure everyone is cleaned with soap and water and rinsed thoroughly. A nice shower together, water flowing over skin, soapy hands gliding over breasts and hips and genitals, is amazing foreplay for most people. After all, making sure she is aroused before you dive between her legs is another way to help make cunnilingus more palatable for the reluctant recipient.

An aside:
Bad 70's commercials aside, DO NOT encourage your reluctant partner to douche to feel more fresh. We now know that douching is not necessary and may actually promote the growth of harmful bacteria. The vagina is a self-cleansing organ. Regular vaginal secretions and menstruation "flush out" anything that shouldn't be there. Never use any lubrication or flavoring that is not designed for genital use - i.e., buy the commercial "personal lubricants" (flavored or not, your choice), don't just use whatever find sitting around the kitchen (or garage or wherever). Particularly don't put anything sugary in a vagina - sugar feeds yeast and no one wants a yeast infection! Wash the vulva regularly and thoroughly, getting in all the folds and such, rinse well, and let the vagina take care of itself.

Okay, back to the fun part.

Tell your woman that she is beautiful; that she has beautiful genitals. Tell her that you love how she smells. Tell her that she tastes delicious! Lick your fingers after they've been inside her to show her that you are sincere. You want to do this, you like to do this - make sure SHE knows that! Make some noise that lets her know you are enjoying it (don't go overboard with this however - a little can go a long way. Too much just seems fake. And no slurping! That's just a turnoff, at least for women with whom I've discussed it.) A lot of women need to know that you truly enjoy this experience in order for them to relax and enjoy it themselves. Many women are all about pleasing others and need that reassurance that you are pleased before they can enjoy it too. We feel guilty getting something and not giving something in return, so let her know you ARE getting something out of it.

Let her know that you have all the time in the world for this and that she needn't be concerned about how long it takes to get to orgasm. In fact, you might want to let her know that licking her totally turns you on, but that this time isn't about you at all. It's her night (or day or whatever) and you aren't doing this as foreplay but as a destination in itself. It's not about getting her "warmed up" so you can have your pleasure. This IS what pleases you.

Don't let her feel disconnected from you. Sometimes a guy can be so caught up in his "work" that he forgets to keep in contact with the whole woman. I sometimes feel like I should be shouting "Hey - you okay down there? Still breathing?" The vulva may be your immediate point of contact, but it's still connected to a whole woman who needs other attentions as well. If you have a free hand, lock fingers with her or touch her breasts or ass or abdomen. Every 3 or 4 minutes, maybe check in with her. Kiss her, ascertain that she's still enjoying it, find out what you are doing right/wrong, what she wants more/less of - then get back to work. Check in again in a few minutes. BUT THIS MAY BE WRONG FOR SOME WOMEN. Communicate with your partner. Sometimes it may break the mood or her concentration if you stop, so find out what your partner prefers. Just keep some sort of contact with her other than her vulva, whether physically or emotionally. Don't let it be like when I had my c-sections. You know something is happening on the other side of the curtain, but you almost feel like you aren't even part of it after a while, especially when those working over there seem to forget that the rest of you is here too. She's a woman, not just an orgasm project.

Might you be making some errors that lead to her reluctance? It's possible.

Don't go too fast from the beginning. This isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. Pace yourself.

If something is working for her, DON'T STOP OR CHANGE WHAT YOU ARE DOING!! Don't think "If this is good, faster will be better." NO! If it is working, keep doing EXACTLY that.

Don't imitate porn cunnilingus moves. For the most part, they are trying to get a good shot for the camera, not actually please the actress on the receiving end. Just because Jenna Jameson seemed to like it does not mean she really did or that your partner will.

Use your whole mouth, not just your tongue and not just the tip of your tongue. Keep your whole mouth involved to maintain intimacy and keep your tongue from tiring out too quickly. A whole warm mouth is far more stimulating than a disembodied tongue, trust me.

When in doubt, ASK YOUR PARTNER what feels good and what doesn't. Remember that she can't see what you are doing! That's why we tend to say things like "That thing you did? That was good," and you're left going "uh, what thing?" So it has to be more of "what about this?" and then you do "this". Or "how about that?" after you do "that."

Now, if your reluctant recipient is reluctant because she is NEVER open to being pleasured because she can't let go like that, can't handle being touched "down there," or has no interest in having an orgasm, then none of this will help. Sorry. You've got bigger problems than a lack of oral sex.

I have more tips and things that I'll post another day, because they stray too much from today's topic of the reluctant recipient. (I have trouble staying on topic as it is . . . )

Feel free to share in the comments things that worked to (if you're the giver) bring about your reluctant partner or to (if you're the reluctant recipient) bring you around.


tom said...

Great post Bunny. My problem is my wife says it tickles when I go down on her so she doesn't enjoy it. I LOVE it but I don't know what to do. Any suggestions from anybody???

Desmond Jones said...

For many years (more than the first 20 of our marriage), Molly wanted no part of me going down on her. I don't think she was hung up on it being 'bad' or 'dirty', altho I'm not absolutely certain about that. I think she just thought it was gross (smelly, etc) - you know, that's where she pees, why on earth would I want to put my mouth where she pees (and, good lord, what if she farts, for cryin' out loud)? A couple times, early in our married life, I sort of spontaneously went down on her, and she would just shove me out of there. So, I took the hint. . .

I don't know what led to a change in her attitude, but a few years ago, I asked her about it, and she said OK, and what do you know, she liked it!

I do love everything about going down on my beloved - the taste and the smells, most especially. And just perhaps, she's beginning to believe me. . .

aphron said...

Sybil doesn't like for me to perform on her either. She tells me it has to do with smell, etc. In her mind it is gross. The rare times I have been allowed she has enjoyed it immensely. Sometimes I wonder if there is a control element too. She is a very controlled/controlling person. That loss of control probably has as much to do with it as anything. Although it is disappointing, I have learned to accept that she has hang ups. No amount of wishing by me will change that.

Polt said...

I am finding out SO much stuff that I never thought I'd need to know about...going down...down there that its just amazing.

reinforcing the fact that I'm gay whilst reading it, but amazing nonetheless. :)

And btw, any man who's favorite movie is Xanadu HAS to play for my team. I mean, it's like a law or something, isn't it? :)


George said...

I have found through experience that not all that many women want to be kissed on the mouth after performing oral sex on them. Too bad for both parties.

I have also found through experience that fingers are a vital part of giving the woman pleasure during oral sex. (If she moans loud enough do you call that aural sex?)

If you can insert one of more fingers in her vagina while kissing, licking, sucking her pleasure should increase dramatically. I usually find that 2 fingers gives a lot of pleasure and if you cross your fingers and turn your hand back and forth as you penetrate and withdraw she will enjoy it even more ... sort of a corkscrew effect.

A finger or 2 in the anus is extremely pleasureable for her as well, as long as she is open to any sort of anal sex.

I think the most explosive orgasms I have given through oral have been with a finger in each of the vagina and the anus, penetrating with one while the other withdraws and then reversing them, the same motion as if you were fucking ... in and out, in and out.

Any volunteers?

A Random Walk through my Mind said...

Fantastic post, you are so eloquent. Back to the subject at hand. I honestly love performing oral sex on a woman. I have enjoyed it since I was able to do it with a girlfriend in high school. Luckily, she loved it to, so much so that she came right out and asked for it. I was always ready to oblige. Both of us were worried about a teen age pregnancy, so we spent hours giving each other oral.

My wife enjoys it....when we have sex which isn't that often. Something I haven't tried but would like to is to perform oral on her after we have had sex. What are your thoughts on this? It seems very erotic to me and would probably get me going for another round of sex. Thanks again for a great post, can't wait for the follow up posts!

Sue said...

I need to print this out and give it to Paul in a card or something. Excellent!

TK Kerouac said...

LOL to sues comment
you should print this for all female bloggers to put in their guys Valentines cards.

Some guys really don't like going down on a woman either
I might stir the pot here, but British guys aren't that keen

What I've found is if a man is really into you, sexually and mentally,
He wants to please you orally
and prides himself if he's good at it
If you have a real loving, trusting relationship
you are more open to letting yourself go
And of course, everything works and smells clean if you've had a nice bath together
Great POst!

ZigZagMan said...

My favorite commercial!! @ gals on a swingset......mother and a field of flowers...younger looks to the other...mommy...does your pooter ever smell funny?? :)

Thant and the replense commercial....with the lily pad......:)

Anonymous said...

Well, well. . . I had no idea that women were reluctant in this area. But I suppose I come at it from a different perspective. Cunnilingus is pretty well always part of sapphic sex and I have to say it is a very long time since I have ever given it any thought.

I always say that women should try sex with another woman just once - not for fun as much as it is the easist way to learn about how your own body works in a very safe environment. After all if you want a decent cup of tea you would not ask someone to make one who did not drink tea themselves. But I guess sapphic sex is not everybody's cup of tea. But I certainly found it meant I never had any doubts about what I wanted or needed or any real shyness on the occasions when I have slept with men.

FTN said...

A whole post on the subject of "why some women don't want to go there," yet it's not until the very end that you quickly gloss over the subject:

"Now, if your reluctant recipient is reluctant because she is NEVER open to being pleasured because she can't let go like that, can't handle being touched "down there," or has no interest in having an orgasm, then none of this will help. Sorry. You've got bigger problems than a lack of oral sex."

Well drat. That's no help! :-)

Sugarmag said...

Hi Bunny, very good advice. I would like to add 2 things. 1. be very careful not to get any soap in your vagina. Ouch. 2. try sipping tea while performing oral sex, this is great on a man, too- a hot mouth feels very nice.

Mina said...

A wonderful follow up post! My reluctance came from being told I take too long to cum. Which is true. So I would never get into it and encourage the guy. I would want him to stop as soon as he got down there. I could never relax into it. After meeting Sylvanus however, all that changed. He loves giving me oral and will stay down there for as long as he needs to. Now that we've been together for awhile, his technique is great... so he doesn't have to be down there for so long. But it's great knowing he loves it and loves being able to make me cum.