Mute Monday - Greatness

Well %$#^&@!!*()#&{:%&!

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating
This is 171% MORE than other websites who took this test.

That's better. I took this yesterday and it said there was 0% cussing on my site.
I just knew that wasn't right! This is much more like it.

Food Is Not A Bad Thing

Have you ever stood by and watched someone die and not done a damn thing to stop it?

I have. It makes you feel like shit. I won't do that again.

A bloggy friend is having some food issues. Not wanting to eat, enjoying that floaty feeling you get when you've gone a few days without food. I know that feeling. I enjoyed it for a while when I was in high school. I got down to 78 pounds at 5'2" tall. In my case it wasn't a plan to try to not eat and lose weight. I just didn't really think about food in the midst of my depression. Eating was not a priority. I got past it, but some people don't.

Let me tell you about Mary.

Mary lived 2 houses up from me, in a house her father inherited from his parents. Mary was a mother of two adult children, divorced from an abusive husband. She cut hair for a living, but was really an artist. She enjoyed creating art in many ways - painting, mixed-media sculptures, crafts, etc. She was a talented, funny woman.

Mary starved to death two years ago while our whole neighborhood looked on.

When we first moved in, Mary was a healthy, vibrant woman. Pretty, active, gregarious, and physically healthy. Thin, but not too thin. Healthy. That changed. About a year and a half before her death, Mary started getting thinner. She got too thin very quickly. Her face looked like a skull with skin hanging off. You could see her hip bones jutting through her pants. Her formerly beautiful skin took on an ashy color. She looked like hell.

We talked about it in the neighborhood. We all knew Mary as a neighbor, but not as a real friend. None of us felt close enough to her to ask what was going on. We would say "Hi Mary, how are you feeling?" or "Are you okay? Is there anything you need?" hoping she would tell us what was going on and take us up on our offers to help. She was always bright and cheery and would tell us that everything was fine, no she didn't need anything. In fact, she took care of an elderly neighbor, taking her shopping and picking up her prescriptions.

She stopped going to work. We weren't sure what was up with that, but didn't want to pry. And she got even thinner. We got more bold about her weight loss, various neighbors telling her that she didn't really look well and that we were concerned about her. Asking if she had seen her doctor recently and discussed how thin she was. A couple of us started buying Ensure and putting it on her porch, anonymously. We figured she was sick, cancer maybe, and just didn't want to tell us. We were concerned that since she wasn't working she couldn't afford much and we thought the Ensure would maybe help her gain some weight back.

We invited Mary to dinner and backyard barbecues. She always declined with a smile. And she got so thin that she was frightening to look at. Although she was only 52, she looked like she was in her eighties. It was heart-breaking.

One summer day I was outside with my baby and my son when Mary's daughter and son-in-law pulled into her driveway. I had lived here for 7 years and had never seen them before. They tried the front and back doors. The son-in-law came running over to ask if I knew if any neighbors had a key to Mary's house. I said I did not and asked the only neighbor who might, the elderly lady who Mary helped. She didn't have a key. I asked the son-in-law if something was wrong, since he looked shaken. He guided me away from his children and mine and said "I can see her laying on the kitchen floor. It doesn't look good." We called 911. Firefighters broke in the back door, but Mary had been dead many hours at that point.

The autopsy showed that Mary's heart gave out due to an extreme electrolyte imbalance as a result of anorexia. Her organs had been starting to shut down as well. One of Mary's sisters told me more about the situation. Apparently Mary had battled anorexia previously and had overcome it through in-patient care. This time she pulled away from her family to try to avoid being forced to seek treatment. Her daughter knew that the anorexia was back and tried to get her mother help. Mary refused. The daughter didn't want to deal with her mother's "drama" and they became estranged. Mary's seven siblings all asked her to at least go to an outpatient counselor and she pushed them away too. Mary had lost her job because she got so thin that she frightened the clients at the salon. She was also so weak that she couldn't stand long enough to complete a hair cut.

Mary's sister said that she didn't think Mary would have accepted help from anyone, including her neighbors. That didn't help our feelings of guilt. We still talk about Mary, about how we could have done more, SHOULD have done more. We know intellectually that Mary's family couldn't even get her to take care of herself and that we as neighbors would likely not have fared any better. It doesn't make us feel any better.

We stood by and watched a woman die.

Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous
Something Fishy
Eating Disorders Anonymous

I'm Missing the Pop Evil CD Release Party!!!

Life bites sometimes.

A local club has been having stuff all day to celebrate the release of the new Pop Evil CD. I love, love, love Pop Evil. 100 in a 55, Hero, Somebody Like You - just great tunes.

I never got tickets to the main party tonight, but they were having a special pre-party this afternoon for kids. Adults could only get in with a child. I was totally going to that. They were going to sing some of their songs, but in a family-friendly manner (yeah, good luck with that guys). I had the kids in the car, took them to lunch, and we were heading to the Intersection. Then Boy barfed in the car. Aacckk!! First of all, I don't handle vomit well at all. You would think after two children I would be used to it. You would be wrong. Second, I can't exactly take a barfing child to a rock show, even one aimed at kids. Bah.

So I didn't get to see them and get the new CD.

Here's Pop Evil singing my favorite of their songs, 100 in a 55, at the Intersection last month.

Here's their video for "Somebody Like You"

Response to a comment

In response to a recent post of mine, a fellow blogger commented:

oh gosh - I actually feel sorry for Spousehole now. I can see the appeal of doing this and I can see that you are taking precautions to make sure it doesn't backfire on you - but it's so not good for the soul. Surely it's better to finish things with Spousehole and then be a free agent and do as you wish. I just think you will end up getting hurt or in a whole heap of trouble.

Let me say first that I appreciate this type of comment. I appreciate criticism and such, so long as it is civil and/or constructive. I like people to be honest and say what they feel about what I write, but to be polite about it, as was this commenter. If someone said "Fat ugly whore!" that wouldn't be appreciated (but I would know that Spousehole had found the blog - LOL).

My response:

Sometimes I feel bad for Spousehole too. But he's made his choice to blame his erectile issues on me, telling me I'm too fat, old, ugly, not sexually attractive, etc., and only once confessing that he has the same erectile problems even masturbating. He refuses to discuss this with his doctor to see if there's something that can help (meds, treatment of any as-yet-unknown underlying condition, I don't know). He's made his choice to not share my bed in any way, sexual or otherwise. He's made the choice to verbally abuse and degrade me and make me feel so bad about myself that I seek comfort and reassurance in the arms of other men. He's made the choice to ignore my fairly obvious cheating. He's made his choices and I've made mine, good or bad.

We have actually discussed an open marriage. In that discussion, he acknowledged that he doesn't meet my needs and he knows I need more. He said he wants me to be happy and for that reason he thinks he might be able to tolerate me having lovers, so long as I was discreet and didn't throw it in his face. He never outright gave me permission, but he let me know that he really doesn't care either. Jealousy is apparently not a problem.

No, what I do probably isn't good for my soul. But I really don't feel too bad about it. I've tried, from day one, but the guilt has just never come. I feel bad sometimes not for potentially hurting Spousehole but for risking my children's family and stable home life. Then I remember that we aren't exactly a happy family and my children's home life isn't exactly stable. So what really am I risking? So long as the children are not aware of or involved in any way in my infidelity, it isn't likely to have any effect on my getting primary physical custody if Spousehole and I separate. Perhaps my children will be happier if their parents aren't fighting with each other or walking on eggshells constantly.

All these are things I think about regularly, especially with Spousehole now interviewing out of state which raises the possibility of having to choose to move together and make this work or separate and have the children deal with a long distance parenting relationship.

It's Friday and I Don't Have Much to Say

Spousehole's flight from our town to Atlanta yesterday went off without a hitch. His flight to Charleston? Not so much. He and three total strangers rented a car and drove the 300+ miles from Atlanta to Charleston. Must be a guy thing. I don't think women would do that - hop in a car and drive 6 hours with total freakin' strangers.

Why do people, even in our own city, seem to think that moving to Charleston would mean moving to a bigger city? Um, hello, our current city has a larger population (198,000 vs. 118,000 for Charleston) and our metro area pop is larger (780,000 vs. 600,000). Where we live may not be as well known, but it isn't exactly podunk. One difference would be population density. Here it's about 4,400 peeps per sq. mile and there it's about 1,000/sq mile. BIG difference. Not so crowded. Of course, they have a lot of water area that's not inhabited. Then again, we Michiganders have to stay close together to stay warm. :-)

My son has the day off school today (records day? I guess it's a day for teachers to get caught up on all the paperwork that they don't usually have time to do). I may take the kiddos swimming (indoor, obviously, since we got another inch of snow last night). I'll go to my parents' house for a while - let the kids trash their place instead of mine. Actually, I have my dad's car right now. Spousehole damaged the Mommyvan on Wednesday (nothing major, but even "nothing major" costs an arm and a leg to fix these days) and my dad took it to work on it and left me his van. Mine is newer, but his is not too bad, despite the nasty cigarette smoke smell. It has every option known to mankind. Seriously. Anyway, my dad fixed Spousehole's little "boo-boo" and it looks good as new. Or as good as it did before Wednesday. Saved me about $400. Go Dad! So I have to go trade cars back; the kids trashing someone else's house is just bonus.

My body must know spring is on the way, because I'm starting to get incredibly horny. It's like that gets dulled in the cold and dreariness of winter and then when spring hits I'm a wild woman. I get super horny in the spring and it lasts pretty much until summer gets too hot and humid. I guess there's a reason both my kids were conceived in May. Does anyone else experience this?

Guess I had more to say than I thought. Perhaps I should have said I don't have much INTERESTING to say.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to HNT . . .

Last night when Spousehole was packing for Charleston, he asked if he could borrow my camera for the trip. I said sure and was removing my 1GB card and planning to give him the measly 32MB card. He said, just leave the 1GB card. I may want to take a lot of pictures. Okee dokee, so I surreptitiously tried to delete any "incriminating photos" and ended up just deleting everything. Including my HNT pictures for this week. Ack! So you get archive photos this week (aka re-runs). These (click!) are from November. I really liked how they turned out.

Why do we get half-nekkid? Want to join the fun? See Os at

Note: After returning from taking Spousehole to the airport at the ungodly hour of 5:00 a.m., Girl and I wisely returned to bed. Not Boy. He took a bath, played with his cars, and just generally goofed around. What are the odds he's going to make it through the school day without becoming a tired, cranky little boy? Not good, I'd say. Not good at all.

Note 2, 5:00 p.m.: Boy had a great day at school. Go figure. Perhaps sleep deprivation is just what he needs! Or maybe the new meds are having the desired effect. Either way - YAY BOY!

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

You asked, but it really isn't that interesting. The scoop on my latest "forbidden liaison:"

Not too much to tell, really. We met on AFF. We had dinner one night (like a real date!) and talked for a few hours. I wasn't feeling that spark of attraction and wasn't sure if I wanted to see him again. He is tall, fairly good looking, in excellent physical condition, but 49 and BLONDE. Blondes aren't always my thing. Guys that much older than me aren't always my thing, but like I said he is in excellent physical condition and this helps him to not look his age. It appears his marriages probably ended because he puts more time into being successful in his job (CEO of his own company) than being successful in marriage. I don't want to marry him, so this isn't an issue. So I did decide to see him again. Spark-free sex with a good-looking guy is still sex with a good-looking guy, right? We met at his place. More on that to follow.

He's been married twice and currently has a long-term girlfriend whose religious beliefs keep her from providing much in the way of sex. While I generally don't like to see single guys, the long-term girlfriend was close enough to being married. It would keep him from getting overly attached and gives him something to lose if our situation were to become known. Plus he is in a high-profile business situation where he might not want it known that he is a "player," so that helped too.

At his place we talked some more and it became apparent that he wasn't going to make the first move. So I did. We kissed. Not bad. We kissed some more. I felt like a high schooler, making out on the living room couch. I finally put his hand under my sweater, because I'm just impatient like that. (And his girlfriend was at church band practice and could be coming over within the nest hour to 90 minutes. No point wasting time.) That got the ball rolling. He dove right in, nuzzling, kissing, and sucking my breasts - that's what I was waiting for! It's kind of the test - you treat the girls right and you get to go further. If you don't treat the girls right, give them the attention they crave and deserve, you will be kicked to the curb. He passed the test.

We decided to move upstairs to his bedroom. He didn't need any more prompting. :-) He again dove right in, but I'm not talking about "the girls" anymore. Apparently he did learn a little something in two marriages - the man has a very talented tongue. It didn't take me long at all - sufficient time spent on my breasts means less work later! Apparently, I was having all the fun, because he was, ur, wasn't, um, well, you know. I was a bit concerned. After all, with the exception of Spousehole's erectile dysfunction issues I've discussed previously, I have very little experience with guys who aren't good to go after this much foreplay and such. My experiences tend more toward those like with PiC*, who is hard as a rock from the first kiss and that situation never changes until the main event has been concluded. If I was a heartless bitch, I would just say "Well I got mine, see you later. Good luck with that." But I am not that person. And it doesn't occur to me that this may be perfectly natural for a 49-year-old guy who is, for the first time, cheating on his girlfriend whose pictures are every. damn. where. No, it's clearly all about me. Of course my insecurities all rise to the surface. What goes through my head: "OMG, it must be because I'm too fat, I'm too ugly, I have all these stretch marks, I probably have bad breath -- wait, I know, it's that zit on the side of my nose that popped up this morning, isn't it? That must be it. OMG, I'm hideous!"

All that runs through my head, but mostly I take this as a challenge. I go with what I know is my best chance, the CPR of sexual moves: combined oral and manual stimulation. I start with my tongue on his balls, hand manipulating the joystick. BTW guys - a little manscaping can go a long way; just saying. Anyway, after a bit of this, we have a pulse, but it's weak. Stronger methods are definitely going to be necessary. The mouth and hand trade places. Alright, that's better now, definite "fluffing" going on. That's what we like to see! And what's that I hear - some gasping and moaning? Yes, this is what the doctor prescribed, no doubt. My original intent was to just get things in the proper condition then climb on top of that bad boy. But I was having so much fun I just couldn't bring myself to stop. Oral fixation: it can be a problem like that. So I continued and he didn't complain. At least I'm pretty sure those noises weren't complaints. ;-) How long did this go on? I have no idea. I didn't have my contacts in and I wasn't looking at the clock anyway. It lasted as long as it needed to last. It was a little while, but it paid off with his body-quaking, gasping-for-breath orgasm filling my throat. He kissed me (that's another key thing: if you won't kiss me after coming in my mouth, just take yourself to the curb and save me the trouble of kicking you there, 'k?) and held me as he caught his breath. Once able to speak again, he confessed his initial nervousness and tried to apologize for it. Of course, no apologies were necessary. Sheez.

After we dressed we kissed some more in the living room and agreed that there will be a next time. His girlfriend called and was leaving a message on the answering machine that she was leaving church as we were kissing, so I guess we timed that about right.

And you thought TMI was just for Tuesday.

*I've chatted with PiC more the last couple days than in a long while. Boy do I miss him!! Our schedules just haven't meshed at all since summer. For instance, he is off work right now because of a car accident and has had some time at home during the day without his wife and 4 kids when he could really use some company. I can't just leave my daughter at home by herself though, can I? Frustrating. If I could see him regularly, I wouldn't see anyone else. He's that hot and satisfies me that well.