Sick

and not in a good way. Not at all. I was hoping we'd get more than 2 weeks into the new school year before Boy brought home a virus. No such luck. He was showing early cold symptoms Wednesday night. He spent Thursday night throwing up. The cold thing has just gotten worse and worse and guess who caught it? That's right - me. Stuffy head, post-nasal drip, cough, sore throat, the whole shebang. No fever though - just an ordinary cold.

I kept Boy home from school on Friday (after the barfing that was a no-brainer), but if he's not streaming snot tomorrow he's going to school. If nothing else, I need the rest. If I don't rest, these simple colds tend to turn into something more sinister for me. I seem quite susceptible to bronchitis if I don't actively try to head it off. I used to get pneumonia easily, but supposedly the most recent pneumonia vaccine I got (in August) will curtail that somewhat. Have they revised it? Because I got one several years ago that was supposed to be good until I was in my 60s and I still got bacterial pneumonia once and viral twice. What's so different about this shot they gave me in August? Maybe I should try asking the doctor instead of you all, huh?

We celebrated my birthday with my family this weekend. Went out to eat, had cakes, presents, the whole deal. My eyes watered while I was opening gifts because Spousehole walked away after singing Happy Birthday. Apparently something on SciFi was far more interesting than celebrating his spouse's birthday. Maybe he just felt like an ass because he didn't even get me a card. Though he did tell me before we met my family at the restaurant that he was going to get me a card while he and Boy walked around at the mall while I supervised Girl playing in the kiddie area but he couldn't find a card shop. It is true that we were in the only mall in North America with absolutely no card shop. None at all. It's a pretty sad mall -great play area though!

Later each of my adult family members (sister, mother, father) approached me individually to see why I seemed sad when I was opening gifts and make sure they weren't the one who upset me. I explained to each one that it wasn't her/him, just sadness that Matthew couldn't even be bothered to hang around while I opened gifts. Or sit at the table with us to have cake and ice cream (he took his and returned to the TV). My self-centered autistic kid was far more attentive than his father. But really, what did I expect?

Dentist poll

You may notice I have a poll on the right about the dentist. I went to the dentist on Tuesday this week and was talking with my totally hot dentist (remind me to tell you about the time 13 years ago when we were both single . . .) about how most of his patients aren't terribly happy to see him. Apparently I am the freakazoid exception - I love going to the dentist! I love getting my teeth cleaned and that great feeling afterward of having a perfectly immaculate mouth. I love having them tell me what a good job I do at flossing and brushing. I love getting the little bag of dental swag (toothbrush, toothpaste, little thing of floss that fits perfectly in my purse, coupons for other stuff). I see no downside to the dentist.

But I know that most people don't agree. I know that some have had dental nightmares (root canals, teeth pulled, etc.). My own sister inherited my dad's bad teeth and has had problem after problem. I was extremely lucky to inherit mom's great teeth. I had a couple fillings as a kid and had to have braces for 2 years (with attractive headgear!) and wear retainers for 4 more years, but that's the extent of my bad dental experiences. Well, I had my wisdom teeth out too, but that wasn't even too bad compared to others' experiences (even though I had 7 wisdom teeth - extra teeth run in the family).

So what is your take on dental visits? Answer in my poll to the right. Feel free to elaborate in the comments here.

Sorry, No HNT . . .

I'm just not feeling fun and frisky today. Not sure what's up with that - probably just hormonal, kwim? I'm just feeling icky and awful. Strong, sexy, confident me will return, but for today, Spousehole wins. I am weak, ugly, and deserve everything bad that ever happens to me. It's just that kind of day.

Are You Ugly? ugly You are just plain ugly. You even think so yourself but you won't get more ugly or good-looking! Myspace Quiz

Atonement and Forgiveness

Sundown tonight marks Rosh Hashanah for Jews the world over. I love the ideas behind Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. The concept of atoning for our sins, being forgiven (hopefully), and starting anew with wishes for a sweet and fruitful year is highly appealing. (Or maybe I just like the food. Honey - mmmmm.)

I am not Jewish, of course, but my faith journey has taken me down many paths. Many of my college and law school friends were Jewish. Part of our friendships included sharing, comparing, and contrasting our faiths and partaking of one another's rituals. I miss that in my current home, where I have few friends of other faiths, which is largely a result of the Christian homogeneity of my area.

During this time of year, our Jewish friends look back on the year and acknowledge their mistakes, their sins against man and against God. Don't we all need to take the time to recognize our mistakes and own them? I love how this is expressed in the last third of the poem "To The Mistakes" by W. S. Merwin, as spoken to the mistakes:

you are the ones who
are really my own
never will leave me
forever after
or ever belong
to anyone else
you are the ones
I must have needed
the ones who led me
in spite of all that
was said about you
placing my footsteps
on the only way

W.S. Merwin, as published in Twenty Poems to Nourish Your Soul, p. 53.

Part of what I love about Rosh Hashanah is the obligation to apologize directly to those you have wronged, so you may have a clean slate for the new year. So many Christians apologize to God, and ask forgiveness from God, for their sins, as we are taught. But Jewish tradition teaches that it is fruitless to ask forgiveness from God when it is a person you have wronged. You must apologize to and seek forgiveness from that person before turning to God to wipe the slate clean. (I realize that this conflicts with the Christian concept of Grace being freely given, etc. but just work with me here.) Think how much better people would get along and how much more peaceful life could be if we all admitted our sins against one another and asked forgiveness. Even if the forgiveness is not granted, wouldn't we feel better for having tried?

I know this has worked for me in my relationship with Spousehole. I regularly forgive him for things for which he has never apologized and will never apologize, because I don't think we can make any progress if I do not. It is my obligation as a Christian and necessary for my own well-being. He, however, does not forgive me anything, ever, forever dwelling on my misdeeds and stewing in his own anger. Over the years I have apologized and all but begged forgiveness. I do not expect him to forget the ways I have wronged him, but is forgiveness so much to ask?

Jewish tradition also provides that once one has apologized three times to someone, he or she is relieved of the responsibility of further atonement, even if forgiveness has not been forthcoming. I have apologized and asked forgiveness more than three times (per transgression), but forgiveness has not been forthcoming. (I sometimes wonder if he even has the capacity to forgive. I just don't know.) But I have resolved to stop asking forgiveness for those things for which I have apologized three times. I won't drag myself down that road anymore. At this point, it is his problem, not mine. I give it to God to sort out.

To all my Jewish friends and readers, Happy Rosh Hashanah and best wishes for the year 5768!

Wednesday Mind Wanderings; Nutella vs. Poop

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convincing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

This seems to be pretty accurate. I was a very good lawyer - I just hated it with every fiber of my being after a while. But writing was always my forte - I wrote briefs for others all the time, particularly appellate, and was great at editing others' work. (My favorite part of being on law review was the editing - I was really good at it. My knowledge of the style book amazed others. My moot court briefs were pretty darn good too.) My 1.5 year foray into journalism (local TV news associate producer - consumer beat) was successful and I actually enjoyed it (it just doesn't pay beans and when Boy was born I needed to stay home with him). There I wrote and edited stories very well and enjoyed interviewing people on camera for stories.

Hopefully now that I'm 40 I can figure out what I really want to be when I grow up.
Particularly if I am going to get out of this marriage - I really want to be gainfully employed before I do anything like that. If I decide to end it, that is. Another area where I don't know what I want. Great. I've become the type of person I usually can't stand - indecisive, flip-flopping, unable to pull herself out of a downward spiral. I'm maxed out on my dosage of anti-depressants (ie., "maximum therapeutic dose"), so more drugs are not likely the answer. Getting my shit together is the answer - I just have to figure out how to do that.

Enough with the sturm and drang!

The "Is it Nutella or Poop?" dilemma:

I got out of the shower today and saw dark, three-dimensional handprints on the wall. I didn't have my glasses on or contacts in and wasn't sure what I was seeing. The split-second monologue in my head:

"Well, it's probably either Nutella or poop. I hope it's Nutella - I don't want to clean up poop. Boy went through a poop-smearing stage several years ago and that was just disgusting. No, Nutella would be much better. But wait. Maybe it would be better if it WAS poop. Because if it isn't poop, that means someone's been in my Nutella. Their nasty, filthy little hands in my beloved Nutella. What a horrible waste of Nutella. And Nutella's not cheap, even at Costco. Yeah, I think I'd rather have it be poop than my sweet, chocolately, hazelnutty Nutella. But poop is so gross . . . "

It was Nutella. Which is a good thing, since I found the 2-year-old licking it off her fingers. Don't want to contemplate the alternative . . . . And I have a whole other, unopened jar of Nutella hidden on the top shelf of the pantry. Shhhh - don't tell the children.

Recently read:
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon. A short novel about an autistic teenager and his investigation into the death of a neighbor's dog. He uncovers far more than he bargained for and must deal with the emotional consequences. A very interesting look at the world from the point of view of an autistic protagonist. I enjoyed this book, though as a mother parts of it were heart-wrenching. Recommend.

Blackwater: The Rise of the World's Most Powerful Mercenary Army by Jeremy Scahill. Scahill takes an in-depth look at Blackwater USA, one of the largest defense contractors in Iraq, a commercial operation acting on behalf of our defense department and other clients. Scary, scary, scary. I was drawn into this book for two reasons: my intense unhappiness with our country's actions in Iraq and the fact that I knew Erik Prince, a founder of Blackwater, back in the day. (Hey Erik - remember the W.O. girl from the custard shop who refused to date spoiled blonde H.C. boys no matter how much they flaunted their daddy's money? Yep, it's me and I still don't like you! Even "northside whores" have standards.) Remember the 4 U.S. contractors killed in Fallujah, their bodies dragged through the streets and hung on a bridge by gleeful Iraqis? They were Blackwater contractors. A very interesting book. Highly recommend.

Currently reading:
Savage Beauty: The Life of Edna St. Vincent Millay by Nancy Milford

What are you reading currently? What have you read recently?
Tell me in the comments or an email.

TMI Tuesday!! #100!!!

It's TMI Tuesday! Even if you don't usually play, play today to celebrate #100! Click the "I kiss and tell" icon to come play with us!!


1. Where was the first place you ever had sex?

The actual first time: My friend's boyfriend's house, in his little brother's bedroom. Eww!
The second time, but the first time I was in love and it was wonderful: boyfriend's bedroom in his parent's house.

2. Does size matter? (open to interpretation boys and girls)

Penis size? Yes, it does, to some extent. I'll take short and thick over long and skinny any day! Seriously too large can be scary; teeny-tiny (like the size of my pinky finger - and yes, I've experienced this) isn't too thrilling either. Just about anything in between monster and miniscule is great, so long as it is attached to a giving, enthusiastic partner.

Overall body size? I'm not too terribly picky in this area either, though I can't say I've ever been with a seriously overweight guy. As for height, I've dated guys from 5'6 to 6'7" and prefer someone in the 5'9 to 6'2" range, but I'm really not too picky. But at 5'2" I find that being with REALLY tall guys presents some logistical issues.

Overall, however, intelligence, enthusiasm, and a sense of humor are far more important to me than height, weight, or penis size.

3. Have you ever had sex in your office or your place of employment?

Yes.

4. Ever been skinny dipping?

Yes. In a pool, Lake Michigan, and Lake Huron.

5. Top or bottom?

Yes. Sometimes I want to ride, sometimes I want to lay back and enjoy the ride. Either way is A-okay with me!

Bonus: Where were you September 11, 2001? What were you doing when you first heard about the twin towers?

Driving in my car with my 9 month-old son. I had to pull over and call my husband, I was so shaken up. As a new mother, I was horrified that I brought an innocent child into such an evil world. I was devastated and terrified for him. I also know a lot of people in NYC and someone who was posted at the Pentagon, so I was scared and worried for them as well. We walked around the mall (our destination at the time) in a daze and went to Sears to watch the coverage on TV. I was crying and sick to my stomach so we just went home without meeting our play group at the play area.

Gawd, Could I Be Any Geekier?

For Mute Monday, go one post down.

Labor Day weekend my BIL and his wife informed us that their two-year-old daughter was already a major Star Wars geek. Normal people would react to this by saying "Okie dokie, whatever" and walking away backwards and slowly from the strange parents. Spousehole and I: totally jealous. Our kids haven't been as into Star Wars as we would like, despite frequent viewings of Eps 1-6. They like ST:TNG and original Star Trek, but not so much Star Wars. The Girl likes ewoks, that's about it. Boy likes R2, but c'mon, doesn't everybody?

Star Wars Horoscope for Virgo

You show efficiency when working for a good cause. But you tend to be a bit fussy when it comes to doing something out of the ordinary. Like many Virgos, you want to stay out of the spotlight. You do well at picking up the smallest details. Star wars character you are most like: C3P0

What Is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

Our kids are huge into Wallace & Gromit, though, so I suppose they have some geek cred. Boy likes Thomas the Tank Engine, but that's pretty much a requirement for autistic kids. Both kids really like Porco Rosso, an anime flick. (See my Porco Rosso description here.) So I suppose they are geeks-in-training. Perhaps the force will be with them one day soon.


Now they got their asses handed to them by Oregon State! I know I should be kinder to a fellow Big 10 school, but gee whiz ~ they just keep bringing the suckitude!

Mute Monday - Music

Here the two instruments at which I am most skilled, although I also have played (for specific concerts or pieces) alto sax (jazz band), tenor sax (jazz band), English horn (orchestra/symphony), cymbals (marching band), and bass clarinet (symphony band).

Oboe
My absolute favorite; I played in bands and orchestras until my early 20s,
when law school had to take precedence.
I tried to pick it up again last year, but I've totally lost my embouchure.

I began playing the clarinet, a single reed instrument, when I was 10, but switched to oboe, a double reed, when I was 12. I continued playing the clarinet for marching band, though one year I played cymbals when we needed more percussionists for the Tulip Time parades. I loved playing clarinet in jazz and pep bands. I can still pick up a clarinet and play decently ~ embouchure isn't such an issue with a single-reed instrument, though I worry about ruining years of expensive orthodontia.

My high school marching band, September 1984,
in the stands at a football game. That's me in the red circle, with my 1984 semi-mullet and excessively curled & teased bangs. I scanned this out of my yearbook - the original was fuzzy too.