Karma is a Bitch

Whether it was not packing Spousehole any shorts for camp or not feeling bad for him dealing with barfy kids, karma has come to bite me on the ass. I've spent the last 24 hours riding the porcelain bus - uptown and downtown. I haven't been this sick in years. Guess that's what I get for not being a very nice person sometimes.

Alone at Last, a.k.a. The Absence of the Penis People

Well, sort of alone. Girl is still here, but sleeping. However, the boys are gone. Yay!! Spousehole took Boy and Bam-Bam (my sister's 6-yr-old) to Father-Child Camp this weekend. Spousehole's taking the nephew since he's basically fatherless. Yes, there's an asshole who provided DNA and pays court-ordered support every week, but since he hasn't seen Bam-Bam in 5 years (by his own choice – he still works at the same place as my sister and lives in the same town, he just doesn't care to see his beautiful, sweet boy), I do not consider him a father. We figured Bam-Bam needs to see some real Dads in action. My Dad is Bam-Bam's main male role model, but he's 71 and teaches the boy some odd things (bad words, that it's okay to pee on a tree if the park bathrooms are locked, etc.). You have to keep in mind that my Dad raised only girls and grew up in an orphanage himself. Being a father-figure to a boy is pretty new for him and, despite being one of the most active 71-year-olds you'll ever meet, he doesn't always have the energy to roughhouse with Bam-Bam like a boy really needs.

I really wonder what Spousehole will do if I ever leave or die or whatever. Last night we were discussing going to out to dinner to celebrate Boy's last day of school. Spousehole says to me, “If we go out, will you still have time to pack all our stuff for camp?” WTF?? I'm not going camping, what do I need to pack for? He expected me to choose and pack all their clothing and food. Seriously. The really sad part? I did it. His argument was that he would never remember all the stuff they need and would choose inappropriate clothes for Boy. True enough. Still, I didn't pack Spousehole any short pants, only full-length jeans. Let him roast. Idiot. I might not have been so cruel had he not sat there playing Starcraft while I packed all their shit.

Since my parents are leaving tomorrow for their annual anniversary trip-from-hell, my sister, the Girl, and I are having Girls Night In at the parental compound Saturday. Not quite the same as back in the day, since my sister doesn't drink anymore, we'll have a two-year-old with us, and cute boys won't be throwing rocks at our windows. We'll have steaks on the grill and watch chick-flick-type movies. At least as chick-flick-y as we can stand. We're not chick flick chicks, really. We'll at least be able to enjoy a complete absence of “The Penis People.” What the heck, you ask? I used to work at an agency that was often accused (by men) of favoring women over men. One male client wrote a hilarious letter saying that we all had a phallic phobia (even the guys) and therefore discriminated against “The Penis People.” He used that term over and over throughout the letter and signed it “John Doe, Penis Person.” It became legend and everyone I know who has worked there still refers to “The Penis People.”

Camp post-script: Both boys have thrown up at camp. Poor boys. Notice there's no pity for Spousehole.

The "Inspiring" Video Is Out of Beta and Has Gone Public

It's from every girl's¹ favorite introverted exhibitionist, Semi-Celibate Man. Enjoy!
¹And more than a few guys, I'm guessing.

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Appetizer
What do you consider to be the ultimate snack food?

Chips and Heluva Good French Onion dip

Soup
On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 as highest), about how popular is your last name?

According to NameStatistics.com, my maiden name is #2707 and less than .005% of Americans have this last name, so not at all common; my married name is #1285, far more common, but still only .01% of Americans have this last name. (I use the two together, but not hyphenated, such as Anne Morrow Lindberg, but not Morrow-Lindberg. And if you don't know who she is, ask Google).

IDK, how does that translate to a 1 to 10 scale?

Salad
Who is your all-time favorite sitcom character, and why?

J.D. on Scrubs. Not as colorful as some others, but way cool.

Main Course
Do you shop online? If so, name some sites you like to browse for goodies.

Yes, I've been known to shop online. Ebay (of course; who doesn't Ebay?), Amazon, Dell, and many, many others. And then there's Adam & Eve and Tara's Naughty Shop and Xandria Collection . . .

Dessert
Fill in the blank: I think ___________ should be ___________.

I think Paris Hilton should be thrown back in the hoosegow where she belongs. (Medical release my dimpled ass.)

And to ruin any feast you might have been planning at McDonald's, read this. Quarter Pounder with Edible Polymer just doesn't have that same ring to it, does it?

HNT - Inspired

I watched a little video this week that I found *inspiring* to say the least, leading to the moment captured here.

Happy HNT!!


Join the fun:



P.S. to the *star* of said video: Wow! That was incredibly hot - thanks for sharing!

*Giggle*

Real Life Adventures by Gary Wise and Lance Aldrich ©2007 GarLanCo

The Prison Life: Paris - a game!

The Landlord - Bill O'Reilly can take a flying leap; I think this is hilarious. Supposedly only child-free people find this funny, but I have a two-year-old just like Pearl and I laughed my butt off. I really don't think Pearl was harmed by doing this. She won't remember it (she's probably already forgotten) and her dad (Ferrell's writing partner) says she hasn't repeated any of the bad words since making the video. Kids echo like crazy at that age. It's no big.

Powdered alcohol - "Booze, now more portable than ever!"

I would SO win this contest.

On a more serious note, have you seen my meat? No, seriously, I lost my meat. Or rather, I misplaced it. I know I went to the basement and got some dead pig out to defrost for dinner. Only now I can't find it. I recall removing it from the freezer. I recall re-locking the freezer and putting the key up. But I don't see the meat anywhere. I looked in the basement, the microwave, the refrigerator, the upstairs freezer, the oven, kitchen counter, breakfast nook, dining room, living room, both bathrooms, and all the bedrooms. It's just gone. If you find a couple pounds of country-style pork ribs lying around, give me a shout, okay?

Postscript: My meat turned up! A couple hours after this post I found it under the table in the breakfast nook. Some little needle-like teeth marks in the package. Now where's that cat?

TMI Tuesday!

1. Should guys wear pink?

Absolutely. A lot of guys look fabulous in pink. On hetero men, it shows that they are comfortable with themselves and that's very sexy.

"Pink? Pink? Well, what's wrong with pink? Seems you've got a pink kink in your think." (You have to be a Pixar geek to get that one.)

2. Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed?

Generally closed, but there are exceptions.

3. What is the first "non-physical" feature you tend to notice about a person you find attractive?

Sense of humor

4. Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex?

Only one of my favorite things! The opportunity to slide your hands over your partners slippery, soapy body should not be passed up. Plus, it makes sure you're both clean and fresh for whatever happens . . .

5. Would you rather receive amazing oral sex or have amazing sex?

Tough question for me. Husband has NEVER provided me with oral, so it's been almost 10 years and I miss it terribly. Makes it sound really, really good right now. But in the overall scheme of things, I guess I'd rather have amazing intercourse because it provides a physical and emotional intimacy that really can't be beat.

Bonus (as in optional): If you could say anything you wanted anonymously to anyone, without identifying that person, what would you say?

I want you. I want to meet up with you someplace private and have my way with you. I want to feel your hands on my body, your breath on my skin. I want . . .

You get the idea. And no, it's not my husband.

Missing Him

Your kisses on my neck
Your breath in my ear
I miss you

Caressing my breasts
Teasing my nipples
I miss you

Your hands in my hair
Your tongue in my mouth
I miss you

Making love to me
Collapsing onto me when you're spent
I miss you

Sharing your heart with me
Confessing your love to me
I miss you

Holding me
Assuring me that everything will be alright
I miss you

Falling asleep in my arms
Secure in our love
I miss you

You are right here next to me
But so far away
I miss you

Bad Mommy Round-Up

Most mommy bloggers think they are bad mommies. I seem to be trying too hard to prove my case. Yesterday, Girl got her head stuck in a picket fence. As she screamed and cried, my first thought was not "Oh my poor baby! I must free her!" No, no, my first thought was "Where is the camera when I need it?" I also ate her cookies while she was on the swingset at the park. Then today two of our cats were on the front porch and a strange cat joined them. Much hissing and growling ensued. Girl went out to see. Strange cat snarled and Girl ran back to the house as fast as her little toddler toes could carry her with an "Oh shit!" look on her face. Do I soothe and comfort my scared little angel? Yes, but . . . . not before laughing my fool ass off. You would think I would know better. One of my more traumatic childhood memories involves my mother laughing at my pain. I had taken a huge chunk of flesh off my left hand. Lots of blood, visible tendons, the whole enchilada. My mom was cleaning the wound when I fainted. I came around to find my mother laughing so hard she couldn't even pick me up off the floor. It took several minutes for her to regain her composure and get me taken care of. Thirty years later, I'm doing it to my own kids, albeit on a somewhat lesser scale. Great.

I have been remiss in boring people by recounting our latest movie viewings. Last weekend was big - three movies! Two in the theater, one on DVD. Saw Pirates on opening night (Thursday). Husband adored it, I liked it alright. Keira is too skinny, Orlando's mustache is too skinny, but Johnny Depp? Oh yeah, I loves me some Johnny Depp. Worth the price of admission, he is. It's a long movie - don't get the large soda. I'm just saying.

Saw Spidey3 on Saturday with the neighbors. Husband didn't care for it. I thought it was good, but they tried to cram too many stories into one movie, not fleshing out each plotline fully. The interesting part was that we saw Spidey3 in digital. You could see every pore and every flaw in the actors' skin. Tobey Maguire we expect to not look so good, but Kirsten Dunst? Digital is not her friend. James Franco - hot as ever, even in digital. Wow. Just . . . wow.

Watched The Prestige on DVD. If you've not seen it, hie thee to Blockbuster or Netflix or where ever you get your videos. Great movie. Dark story about rival magicians in turn-of-the-century (19th to 20th) London. Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman are the main characters and David Bowie(!) plays Nikola Tesla. Oh, and Scarlett Johansson's in it too. Great story, great eye candy - who could ask for anything more?

Hubby wants to take the kids downtown for lunch today. It's our town's annual Festival weekend. Theoretically a Festival of the Arts, but it's really all about the food. If it's edible and can be put on a stick, someone is selling it this weekend. Hubby likes to go because we usually run into a bunch of people with whom we used to work. I hate it because we usually run into a bunch of people with whom we used to work. See, Husband and I met while working at the same place. Most of those people didn't think it could ever work out between us and some were not at all shy in saying so. "The whore and the choirboy - it'll never work! She'll crush him, destroy him . . ." On and on it went. People saw me as this self-confident, man-eating party girl and him as this gentle, naive, nice guy. Even our boss sat me down to tell me to be gentle with him. Little do they know, he's the one who's crushed me, stomped my self-esteem into dust, etc. Anyway, Husband likes to "prove them wrong" by showing off our lovely little family (we do have ridiculously good-looking kids). I hate the reminders that come from seeing those folks. Maybe it'll be better this year.