Is it a sex blog? A mommy blog? A bitch & moan blog? Um, . . . yeah. This is my place to be totally honest. In my real life, I feel like I'm always lying to somebody about something. Here, I am totally honest. Brutally so. However, no matter what bad things I say about my kids, I adore them and would never ever really, say, sell them on Ebay. The husband, often referred to as Spousehole, is another story. Oh yeah - if you are under 18 (or if you are my husband), please leave now.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Things I May Never Be Accustomed To In The South

Full-grown adult men with jobs, families, and a mortgage who go by the diminutive form of their name. That is, Billy, Bobby, Timmy, Tommy, Johnny, Jimmy, Davey, etc.

The accents. Especially when emanating from a disciple in an otherwise very professional and well-executed church play. Imagine Larry the Cable Guy as Simon Peter asking "Is it I, Lawd?" It's hard to not giggle. It's like someone from a Tennessee Williams play reading the wrong script.

A "rough" winter having temps that never dip below double digits.

A "rough" winter not involving any snowfall whatsoever.

Gum. What is it with gum down here? Everybody seems to chew gum - all the time, in all places. Men and women, in church, in Wal-Mart, at the symphony. Every. Damn. Where. Not just quiet, unobtrusive chewing either. Big, open-mouth chawing.

Folks who move slow as molasses. O.M.G. Walking, driving - doesn't matter. Tons of people just not in any sort of rush to get any where. Stopping to smell the roses is great and all, but when there are flowers everywhere perhaps bypassing some of is okay, know what I mean?

Full-grown adult non-senior-citizen men wearing seersucker suits. Not in a retro-hipster way, but for real.

The God-awful humidity (and it's only April!)

To blog is a self-invasion of privacy


Amorous Rocker said...

Ick! I hate when people chomp on gum loudly. Just gets on my every last NERVE. Lol. Same thing with chewing food with an open mouth, just jawing away.

The humidity is the only problem I can relate to really. Just wait, it'll get worse by June and July.

Hope that (despite the annoyances) everything else is going well! =)

Pluff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TAG said...


You ain't seen nothin' yet girl. The summer heat is the price you pay for the mild winter.

The combination of heat and humidity in your area makes outdoor activity in the summer months almost unbearable.

Good luck.


Trueself said...

You know how I can tell I'm a true southerner? Because every one of those things you mentioned sounded totally normal to me, and your reaction to them sounded like Yankee talk.

My reaction made me laugh at myself. You can take the girl outta the country but you can't take the country out of the girl I guess.

Desmond Jones said...

Hoo, boy; know what you mean. The southern-accent thing is just such a hard stereotype to get outta my head. When Molly and I saw 'Fireproof', our first thought afterward was, this would've been a whole lot more convincing without all the southern accents. . .

My aunt who used to live in FL always said that it was like the seasons get reversed, in the South. They're out-and-about in the winter months, but spend the summer holed-up in the AC. . .

Project Christopher said...

I laughed out loud just from your post title alone... I knew you'd be posting something like this eventually... I was just waiting... in my slow southern molasses way... :)

Please allow me to speak to each.
1. Billy, Bobby, etc are probably called that as an adult because in the south often the diminutive form growing up was Little Billy. Or it was Billy-Bob, and we shortened it to Billy.

2. Accents. I know. I grew UP there and I still don't understand sometimes. But I have to admit, away from the south I can sometimes work it to get something extra :)

3/4 yeah, I know. it works in reverse too. The "Stifling Humidity" Chicago (and Mich) complain about ain't NOTHIN'!

5. I agree. chomp chomp, pop pop. What's funny is when they chew like a cow chewing cud (you know, the circular motion of the jaw)

6. Even growing up I hated the slowness.... I joke now in my stand up "I used to have patience with older people being slow because I would want people to have patience with my elderly mother. But now she's dead and I can kick the old people along!"

7.Seersucker suits. Honey, wear wool in the summer. see how you feel? Not defending the fashion, but just wait.... you'll wanna go out naked it will be so hot.

8. As TAG Said... you ain't seen NOTHIN yet. Wait til July when you walk out of the house and you can FEEL the line of demarkation move across your body as the heat/humidity envelops you AND add to that when the wind is blowing in your direction and the Westvaco paper mill smell hits your nose...

Welcome to SUMMERville!

lime said...

uh yeah, the gum chawing and the humidity would be enough to drive me out of my mind.

TROLL Y2K said...

Roundhead robin chirps
at cavalier canary.
The war never ends.

Just Joe said...

I spent a month opening a new office once in Mobile, AL. I thought I was going to go out of my freakin' mind.

Only difference, there (at least then), it wasn't gum, it was chewing Tobacco.

I am not a fan of living anywhere that "mosey" is a speed.

sandy shoes said...

The open-mouthed gum chewing alone is too much for me. I just can't stand it. Throw in the humidity, and I guarantee you I'd be in jail for assault, or worse, before you can say "get me the HELL back to New England" (where no jury would convict me).

Shit, Bunny. I wish you'd had to move here.

Desmond Jones said...

You also remind me of a HS friend of mine who went to college in TN. First winter he was there, they had a HUGE blizzard - three inches of snow. Shut the town down. He was actually ticketed for 'driving in unsafe conditions', because "Son, they's three inches of snow on the ground; ain't nobody can drive when they's three inches of snow on the ground."

TUG said...

LOL. I can so relate to some of these. I also really hate the humidity. I still don't understand what the civil war was about in that respect. With all that humidity they should have given it away :)

Vixen said...


I had no idea about the gum! Weird?!

Colorado has one of the driest temps and when we get 'humidity' everyone complains how 'humid' it is. REAL humidity brings me to my knees. Gah....

Anonymous said...

Came here to say it, but everyone else beat me to it.........humidity will knock you on your butt come July.

Val said...

hah! Come to Dallas in August, WE'VE got humidity!
[but I'm sorry you are having a rough transition]

King of New York Hacks said...

/ha , /i feel like moving there just to watch //

FTN said...

Does everyone say "warsh" rather than "wash"? I still haven't gotten used to that one since I moved (relatively) south.

Bunny said...

They do "warsh" things down here, but they manage to stretch it out into 3 or 4 syllables. It's the stretching of words that gets me sometimes. My mom and grandma always hated the "warsh" things, since my grandma grew up around it in Mussurah (sweet springs!) and it just drove her nuts.