Is it a sex blog? A mommy blog? A bitch & moan blog? Um, . . . yeah. This is my place to be totally honest. In my real life, I feel like I'm always lying to somebody about something. Here, I am totally honest. Brutally so. However, no matter what bad things I say about my kids, I adore them and would never ever really, say, sell them on Ebay. The husband, often referred to as Spousehole, is another story. Oh yeah - if you are under 18 (or if you are my husband), please leave now.

Monday, November 17, 2008

The long boring explanatory post

I apologize to my friends and readers, if I have any left, for my lack of posting, commenting, and e-mail answering. I am sorry.

So WTF is going on? I'm depressed. More so than usual. This is pretty bad. If other people weren't depending on me, I might not even get out of bed. But kids and their needs don't allow for such indulgence, so I get up and make do.

Moving has been difficult. I miss my neighborhood in Michigan and my fellow stay-at-home moms there. I miss my parents, sister, and nephew back in Michigan.

Most of all, I miss having an only moderately difficult autistic child. Because the autistic child I have now has recently surpassed highly difficult and has moved on to extremely difficult. The move has been very hard on him and his behavior has deteriorated accordingly. He is contrary about everything, from tiny things that hardly matter to major issues. Some days I am furious with him, other days I feel sorry for him. But regardless of how I feel, I just can't seem to help him make this adjustment. When he came home from school one day last week, he just collapsed on the front lawn, crying and saying "This is not our house! Not going inside - not our house!" As I held him and tried to calm him down, he stated "Want go home. Real home. Want go home to Grand Rapids, Michigan." He's so distraught and I feel powerless to help him. He refuses to work some days in his new school and he talks about wanting to go back to his old school in Michigan. At age 7 he is suddenly wetting his pants like a toddler, going through 4 outfits at school one day last week. He refuses to ride the bus to school in the morning, so I have to get up God-awful early every morning to drive him. I can't just drop him off either; I have to go inside and walk him to his classroom. He just can't be trusted to go to his classroom otherwise. I don't think he likes his special ed teacher and I don't think the teacher is terribly fond of him either. Boy does okay in his regular ed classroom, so I really think that dislike of his special ed teacher is part of the problem.

We were referred to an autism specialist with the local university hospital, but the first available appointment is in APRIL. Other psychiatrists we've contacted can get see him in December or January. Not terribly helpful. The school support staff (counselors, school psychologist) are not very helpful either. Hardly anyone seems to have any training with autistic kids, let own autism certification. Even the special ed teacher is not certified in autism and isn't very experienced with autistic kids. It's a big change from the autism program in our former school district in Michigan, where all the teachers were certified in autism and there was a whole system in place designed to support and nurture autistic kids. There is no autism program in our current school district, even though it is easily as large as the one in Michigan. Instead of a centralized program for autism, they just leave each neighborhood school to deal with their autistic kids on their own. It's stupid and unprofessional.

Girl has adapted to the move with no problems. She is a normal, active, imaginative little girl who gets into the usual preschool mischief. For instance, she cut her hair herself recently. My baby's beautiful long hair is no more. She cut so much of it so close to the scalp that there was no way to save the bits of length that were left. The stylist who did her best to clean-up Girl's tonsorial mess calls the resulting style a "pixie" cut. Girl loves that and tells everyone that she has a "pixie cut, just like Tinkerbell." It breaks my heart, because I loved combing and styling her hair. Now she looks like a shorter version of her brother. At least she likes girly clothes and pink everything, so hopefully people don't mistake her for a boy. The day Girl cut her hair, I cried and cried the whole day. I was borderline hysterical. I knew I was WAY overreacting, but I couldn't stop it regardless. That helped it really hit home for me how deeply I am depressed.

Our inability to sell our house in Michigan depresses me further. We've dropped our price $20,000 from last spring to now. And that's after refinishing the hardwood floors, new storm doors and windows, new paint, and more. And including all the appliances. It's like all the equity we built up over 10 years is just disappearing. I just thank God that we never got a home equity loan or refinanced and took money out, like so many people did when real estate prices were stable or rising. Many of those folks are now upside-down on their houses since the bottom fell out, especially in Michigan. It's depressing as hell.

Then there's my relationship with Spousehole. For a while it seemed like things might be better, but now not so much. A big part of the problem is that he feels stressed by paying for both houses and he is a real asshole when he's stressed. Money has always been a big issue for him and now it's even worse. He's done stupid things like take away my debit card so that he can control down to the penny what I'm allowed to spend. His control freak tendencies have been greatly exacerbated. That makes depressed too. I don't thrive under that sort of regime.

I try to look on the bright side of things. There's no snow here. There's more sun than we would get in Michigan. Gas prices are down (under $2.00!!). But it's difficult.

My fun-loving, sex-obsessed self will be back, hopefully sooner rather than later. This gloom will pass eventually. I know that, even though right now I only see darkness. All I can do is try to find my way back to the light.



To blog is a self-invasion of privacy

31 comments:

Another Ordinary Girl said...

I hope everything works out for you. I'm sorry to hear that Boy isn't adjusting well to his new school. I used to work in Special Ed and it takes a dedicated person to work with Autistic children. I am rooting for you and the kids! Good luck!

FTN said...

I'm sorry to hear all of that. Moving to a new town like that has to be difficult. I do hope it gets better for you and the rest of the family.

Trueself said...

I know what you mean about being in a huge depression but having to just keep slogging on through for the kids. If it weren't for N I'm pretty sure there would be days where I never got out of bed to go farther than the bathroom.

I so wish there were something I could do to help you. I know it's not much but here's my biggest cyber hug for you:
{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

Hang in there sweetie.

Desmond Jones said...

So sorry about all your stress. Nothing to do but just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Michigan is not such a nice place to be, these days. I'm not altogether sure how much longer we're gonna be able to stay here, either. . .

Project Christopher said...

I'm sorry to hear about all that Bunny. I finding myself in disbelief about the negative feelings toward your new home, but I realize it's because I lived there and have fond memories and don't know what it's like when viewed by people who didn't grow up there. Not negating your feelings mind you, just hope that all the good I used to know there will find it's way to you.

I'm surprised that S'ville School District is so poorly prepared for autistic special ed. They're so much the bomb on everything else that is educational. Just a thought, I see you went to MUSC looking for help. While you wait for an open date with anyone, ask those same offices if there are any autism support groups around. I'm sure there have to be and who knows, someone else may be in your same boat or have had experience since so many people move into the area.
Spousehole took away your debit card? How Lucy & Ricky can he be? Please!

Hang in there sweetie! You can do it and the Pixie's hair can grow out again :)

Sailor said...

That's a whole lot of stuff you're having to deal with, no surprise at getting depressed by it. Hugs, and prayers for you, depression is bad enough without the extra load you're carrying to deepen it.

Bunny Bunster said...

Hang in there, I'm sure it will get better soon.

Polt said...

Big HUGS, Bunny my dear. This too shall pass.

HUGS...

for a different kind of girl said...

Add me to those out there who are sorry you're having to deal with all you have on your plate right now. With so many families impacted by autism, it must be incredibly disappointing to move from a school district where your son was being served well to one where it's apparently not happening. My heart breaks to read what he's feeling from day to day. I hope you're able to get him together with someone soon, too.

I hope things start looking brighter soon.

TUG said...

That really does suck that the school system doesn't have a more organized system.

The girl's hair will eventually grow back...don't worry :)

Have you tried renting the other house? At least it'll cover some of the expenses and any losses can be taken into account at tax time. I know things in that part of the country aren't great and probably won't be for a while.

sandy shoes said...

I'm sorry things are so hard now, for you, and for your boy. (For Spousehole? I'm not sorry. I want him to grow the fuck up and realize you are on the same team, and that treating you like an errant child is wrong, and it's cruel.)

I would sob all day if my Peanut cut her hair, too.

Vixen said...

I'm so sorry Bunny.... :(

You have always amazed me and struck me as such a strong woman and mom. I have faith in you. But I really, really do understand how difficult it is for you right now.

*hugs*

I Smile 2 Much said...

:(

I am so sorry you're going through all this ...having to deal with, handle & do all of these things on top of each other like this .....

(((Many, many hugs to you, Bunny)))

Val said...

Nowhere to go but up, perhaps?!?
Sorry, I'm no good at these platitudes... But I am sorry you are not enjoying the South, "one day at a time" surely things will get better.

TROLL said...

It wasn't that long and wasn't boring at all. I'm rooting for a pleasant (and overdue) surprise for your life. And then at least 2 of your stressors going away.

Flyinfox_SATX said...

Bunny,

Thanks for posting this particular post. I should apologize to you that I have not caught up with you but I find myself in a similar boat. My wife and I have an 8 year old Autistic child. His issue is a bit more severe in that he does not speak. He is, of late, been exhibiting more agressive behavior as well.

I would love to know how you make out with your son as there may be things I can learn from your experience. Likewise, I would be willing to share the things we go through as well.

Things will get better!

Cocotte said...

Sorry to hear about your move and life troubles. Not sure what your son's diagnosis is, but my daughter has PDD/NOS and she has improved tremendously since she was that age (she's 16 now). So, hope that gives you some hope.

just me said...

I struggle with depression every day, so my heart goes out to you for that alone. But, things do tend to get better. It usually takes a while, but it does get better.

I am furious that the school your son attends does not have resources to deal with his issues. I use to take my concerns about school issues to the superintendent. He hated me, as I did him.

Don't like the debit card thing at all. You must be very understanding. I would probably pitch a huge major fit.

Wishing you good things to come.

Whitenoise said...

With two boys on the autism scale (plus a normal girl- the "wonderkid") I can relate. Hang in there.

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