The Reluctant Recipient: Why Some Women Don't Want to Go There

This is a follow-up to this post, which was a response to this one: At Longing's End.

Some have asked, why are some women reluctant to have their partner perform cunnilingus?

The answers are as varied as the women who feel that way, I'm afraid. But I'll try to cover what I think are the most common reasons.

A women may feel like she just can't ask something so "gross" of someone she cares for. She may feel that, no matter how much you say you want to do this for her, no matter how much you say you like it, no reasonable person could possibly want to place his mouth to her genitals. This can come from an ingrained belief that genitals are dirty and "bad." It can also come from a feeling that she doesn't look, taste, or smell good. She may be worried about vaginal secretions. She may be concerned that it will take too long. She may be apprehensive about being so very open to someone, baring her most private parts for up-close inspection, naked and vulnerable. Some women aren't terribly familiar with themselves "down there" (after all, we have to make an effort to look at ourselves) and are concerned with what you are seeing that she may never have seen. A woman may also have had a previous partner who reinforced her concerns or was just not terribly good at it (or just not interested in what he was doing) so it wasn't pleasurable for her. Some women feel disconnected from their partner - he or she is "down there" doing their thing and she's almost not even part of it.

If a women is concerned about all these things, imagine how difficult it is for her to just "lay back and enjoy it!" Our brain is our biggest sex organ and if you don't have the brain's attention, you may as well just give up.

Overcoming the Reluctance

Face it, all we women have had that "not so fresh feeling" at times. Unfortunately, that feeling was reinforced by the ridiculous douche and "feminine cleansing" commercials of the 70s and 80s. That can lead to women feeling that she should feel, smell, and taste like a "summer breeze" or some other ridiculous notion. If you think this is her problem (or heck, if it IS her problem - let's be real here: a vulva that's been trapped in panties, pantihose, pants, jeans, whatever all day may not be as fresh as anyone would like, just like male genitals might be a little sweaty or whatever after a long day) - shower or bathe together first, making sure everyone is cleaned with soap and water and rinsed thoroughly. A nice shower together, water flowing over skin, soapy hands gliding over breasts and hips and genitals, is amazing foreplay for most people. After all, making sure she is aroused before you dive between her legs is another way to help make cunnilingus more palatable for the reluctant recipient.

An aside:
Bad 70's commercials aside, DO NOT encourage your reluctant partner to douche to feel more fresh. We now know that douching is not necessary and may actually promote the growth of harmful bacteria. The vagina is a self-cleansing organ. Regular vaginal secretions and menstruation "flush out" anything that shouldn't be there. Never use any lubrication or flavoring that is not designed for genital use - i.e., buy the commercial "personal lubricants" (flavored or not, your choice), don't just use whatever find sitting around the kitchen (or garage or wherever). Particularly don't put anything sugary in a vagina - sugar feeds yeast and no one wants a yeast infection! Wash the vulva regularly and thoroughly, getting in all the folds and such, rinse well, and let the vagina take care of itself.

Okay, back to the fun part.

Tell your woman that she is beautiful; that she has beautiful genitals. Tell her that you love how she smells. Tell her that she tastes delicious! Lick your fingers after they've been inside her to show her that you are sincere. You want to do this, you like to do this - make sure SHE knows that! Make some noise that lets her know you are enjoying it (don't go overboard with this however - a little can go a long way. Too much just seems fake. And no slurping! That's just a turnoff, at least for women with whom I've discussed it.) A lot of women need to know that you truly enjoy this experience in order for them to relax and enjoy it themselves. Many women are all about pleasing others and need that reassurance that you are pleased before they can enjoy it too. We feel guilty getting something and not giving something in return, so let her know you ARE getting something out of it.

Let her know that you have all the time in the world for this and that she needn't be concerned about how long it takes to get to orgasm. In fact, you might want to let her know that licking her totally turns you on, but that this time isn't about you at all. It's her night (or day or whatever) and you aren't doing this as foreplay but as a destination in itself. It's not about getting her "warmed up" so you can have your pleasure. This IS what pleases you.

Don't let her feel disconnected from you. Sometimes a guy can be so caught up in his "work" that he forgets to keep in contact with the whole woman. I sometimes feel like I should be shouting "Hey - you okay down there? Still breathing?" The vulva may be your immediate point of contact, but it's still connected to a whole woman who needs other attentions as well. If you have a free hand, lock fingers with her or touch her breasts or ass or abdomen. Every 3 or 4 minutes, maybe check in with her. Kiss her, ascertain that she's still enjoying it, find out what you are doing right/wrong, what she wants more/less of - then get back to work. Check in again in a few minutes. BUT THIS MAY BE WRONG FOR SOME WOMEN. Communicate with your partner. Sometimes it may break the mood or her concentration if you stop, so find out what your partner prefers. Just keep some sort of contact with her other than her vulva, whether physically or emotionally. Don't let it be like when I had my c-sections. You know something is happening on the other side of the curtain, but you almost feel like you aren't even part of it after a while, especially when those working over there seem to forget that the rest of you is here too. She's a woman, not just an orgasm project.

Might you be making some errors that lead to her reluctance? It's possible.

Don't go too fast from the beginning. This isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. Pace yourself.

If something is working for her, DON'T STOP OR CHANGE WHAT YOU ARE DOING!! Don't think "If this is good, faster will be better." NO! If it is working, keep doing EXACTLY that.

Don't imitate porn cunnilingus moves. For the most part, they are trying to get a good shot for the camera, not actually please the actress on the receiving end. Just because Jenna Jameson seemed to like it does not mean she really did or that your partner will.

Use your whole mouth, not just your tongue and not just the tip of your tongue. Keep your whole mouth involved to maintain intimacy and keep your tongue from tiring out too quickly. A whole warm mouth is far more stimulating than a disembodied tongue, trust me.

When in doubt, ASK YOUR PARTNER what feels good and what doesn't. Remember that she can't see what you are doing! That's why we tend to say things like "That thing you did? That was good," and you're left going "uh, what thing?" So it has to be more of "what about this?" and then you do "this". Or "how about that?" after you do "that."

Now, if your reluctant recipient is reluctant because she is NEVER open to being pleasured because she can't let go like that, can't handle being touched "down there," or has no interest in having an orgasm, then none of this will help. Sorry. You've got bigger problems than a lack of oral sex.

I have more tips and things that I'll post another day, because they stray too much from today's topic of the reluctant recipient. (I have trouble staying on topic as it is . . . )

Feel free to share in the comments things that worked to (if you're the giver) bring about your reluctant partner or to (if you're the reluctant recipient) bring you around.