Same old thing

Spousehole and I shopped all afternoon and went out to dinner with the kids tonight. Everything was okay. Then in the car on the way home we were listening to Marketplace on NPR when Spousehole suddenly snapped the radio off. After about 30 seconds I said "Did it matter that I was listening to that?" He replied that he "couldn't listen to stories of other people's prosperity anymore." Never mind that that totally wasn't the point of the story . . . he went off on a rant about how he hates being "poor" blah blah blah. It really pissed me off. I lost it. We are not poor. We own a nice house, in a decent neighborhood, we have very little debt (mortgage and one car payment), we have two reliable cars and a motorcycle, a catamaran (I hate that damn boat though . . . ), food on the table, and enough money to pay our utilities and go out to eat like we did last night and so on. We put the max possible in his 401k every year, although we don't save enough otherwise.

I pointed out that this difference in how we view things is the main point of contention in our marriage. I try to see the good (we are warm, well-fed, healthy, etc.) and all he sees is what we don't have. He said I need to take my blinders off, live in the real world. He said he won't stick his head in the sand and ignore our problems. I tried to explain that seeing the positive doesn't mean ignoring problems or not working to make our lives even better, but it does mean not discounting all the good in our life and not dwelling on what we don't have. It's a matter of attitude. I've spent enough of my life battling depression, focusing only on the bad and not the good. I refuse to live like that. He doesn't get it. Not at all. His reply: "The sooner we separate, the better."

Agreed, asshole, agreed.

After we arrived home, I went by myself to Target to return something (my nephew already has one of the things we bought him for Christmas - darn it!). I still didn't want to come back home to that doofus, so I went to Barnes & Noble, got something to drink from Starbucks (whether I'm entitled to it or not), and read for 3 hours. I feel better, but I am more resolved than ever to make the separation happen sooner rather than later. Wish me luck.

Update

Kids come back this afternoon. Spousehole is at church - I begged off after a miserable night last night. We had an intense emotional discussion about the breakdown of our marriage and how we feel about it. It ended with me being very glad we've made this decision. It boils down to our vastly different outlooks on life. Spousehole focuses on what we don't have; I am thankful for what we do have.

He sees his siblings and parents being able to afford nice vacations and new cars and big houses and resents that we do not have the financial means to do the same. I see that we have a home with a reasonable mortgage payment, food on the table, cars that we bought used but are reliable, no debt aside from the mortgage and a car payment well under $200 on one car, clothes on our backs, enough money to keep the house warm, etc. Our children are healthy and reasonably happy - I don't think we can ask for much more. We are able to put the max in his 401K at work and maximize the company match, we have health insurance, dental insurance, vision insurance, and a steady income from a stable employer.

I just hope my children can adopt my "glass half-full" attitude over their father's.

It Got Better, Then Nose-Dived Again

Warning: Ridiculous ranting and complaining ahead. Plow through at your own risk.

After I posted last night, he decided he wanted to go to the arcade. Though "arcade" is perhaps too simplistic a term. The place we went is an entertainment center - arcade games (new and old-school), VR games, indoor go-karts, indoor bumper cars, laser tag, all kinds of stuff. In good weather they have outdoor go-karts, mini-golf, and bumper boats too. If you can't find something you like there, you aren't trying very hard.

He's the 3rd Nascar driver from the left

Spousehole mostly played fighting and shooting games while I played Galaga (I kick ass at Galaga; of course, after 25 years I suppose I better) and carnival-type games. I'm really good at Skee-Ball. I like winning a bunch of redemption tickets and then giving them to some little kid before I leave. That's fun. At Sea World last year I only played one game of Skee Ball and won a stuffed animal so big that we couldn't take it on the plane. (My in-laws drove it back the following spring).

I watched kids playing DDR. Some of those kids are really, really good. I could never keep up with them. My sister has the Nintendo version and I get confused a couple rounds into it. It's great exercise though!

After we used the allotment on our cards (they don't take quarters anymore, you have refillable cards that you scan at each game or activity), we went to dinner. It was nice and peaceful without any kids.

We even slept in the same bed for part of the night. He moved to another room partway through the night. I asked why this morning and he said that he felt "crowded." Whatever. He did snuggle with me for a couple hours this morning and that was nice.

We went out for breakfast and he was all mopey and quiet again. That's lasted all fucking day. It's depressing as hell. I hate when he drags me down with him like this and I hate that I let him.

I've tried doing what he wants - I watched LOTR: Return of the King for the umpteenth time with him - but he won't do anything I want. I have A History of Violence from Netflix and I proposed that we watch it together when LOTR was done, but no, he wasn't in the mood to watch anything "new." I HATE THAT. He will watch the same movies, and read the same books, over and over and over - to the exclusion of anything new. I don't get it at all. I have no problem with watching a good movie multiple times, but not to the exclusion of anything else. He has about 10 movies he watches over and over and about the same number of books he reads over and over, until they are worn out. Then he buys another copy of the same damn book!!! What is up with that? I know he says he has memory problems - and he does - but does he not remember what happens in Shogun after reading it 60 times???

I knew it wouldn't be easy . . .

I was aware that this weekend would likely not be all fun and games. We took the kids up to my in-laws today and left them for the weekend. Spousehole was all quiet and withdrawn the whole time we were there, kind of like he was yesterday with my family. We drove the hour and a half back to our house in near total silence, except for NPR news droning from the radio.

I asked if he wanted to see a movie together. No, nothing appeals to him. I asked if he wanted to go out to dinner. No, he isn't hungry. I asked if he wanted to watch something on DVD. Maybe later. I asked if he wanted to go blow some cash at the arcade (only his favorite thing in the world!). Maybe later.

Apparently he's too depressed to want to do anything. I guess I don't want him exactly doing cartwheels over our impending separation, but I'd like to at least be able to interact as friends during this time. He says he wants that too, but right now he's just too depressed to have fun. He points out every now and again that he doesn't want to separate, even though he agreed last weekend that it's for the best. Basically putting it all on me. So now his depression is my fault too.

If I had someplace to go, I would leave for the weekend and let him be depressed alone. But if I go to my family, they'll want to talk about it. They always want to talk about things. Sometimes that's great, but sometimes I just want to have fun and specifically NOT talk about things.

Anyone within a couple hours of Grand Rapids want to go out and have some fun this weekend? Seriously. IM me or call me if you have my cell. He's just dragging me down and I don't want to end up depressed myself.

A Sad Day

I'm kind of weepy today. Feeling very emotional, vulnerable, heartbroken. Spousehole has been good, pleasant. He admitted to me that he cried last night over where we've ended up. I have never seen him cry in 10 years that we've been together. He had tears in his eyes before he returned to work after lunch. We're being very pleasant, very adult, with one another. It can't last.

The holidays will be hard. I know I'll constantly be thinking "This is the last time we'll do (whatever) as a family" and will be on the verge of tears all the time. My family will be able to read what's going on, I'm sure of it. They'll figure it out before the pie is served on Thursday.

His family is generally more oblivious to such things. They probably won't have a clue until we tell them. We are planning to wait a while to tell them, get through the holidays and get closer to being able to actually divide into two households.

When we get along as well as we have the last couple days, part of me wants to run to Matthew and tell him that I was wrong, we can work it out, our children need an intact family. But that's the emotional idealistic part of me and the intellectual part of me knows that the idealistic part is always wrong. We can't make it work because neither of us really wants it to work. If we did, we would have been working harder all along instead of driving ourselves further and further apart every day.

We said yesterday that we still love each other, so hopefully we can use that love to keep things civil as we proceed. That and our mutual love for our children. I'm terrified of the future, but hopeful as well.

The End Begins

We talked today. It was calm and halfway rational. We agree that it's not working and not likely to ever work. We agreed that we will endeavour to share custody of the children and try to spare them as much pain as possible. We agreed to continue living together until the end of the school year. We agreed that we won't tell our families until after the holidays that we are planning to split. We agreed to try to be as pleasant as possible to one another while we are still sharing a household and bank account and not to stand in one another's way just for spite.

He told me that he truly loves me, but he agrees that love is not enough to make it work. He held me, really held me, and I felt closer to him than I have in years. Ironic.

And so the end begins . . .