Update

Kids come back this afternoon. Spousehole is at church - I begged off after a miserable night last night. We had an intense emotional discussion about the breakdown of our marriage and how we feel about it. It ended with me being very glad we've made this decision. It boils down to our vastly different outlooks on life. Spousehole focuses on what we don't have; I am thankful for what we do have.

He sees his siblings and parents being able to afford nice vacations and new cars and big houses and resents that we do not have the financial means to do the same. I see that we have a home with a reasonable mortgage payment, food on the table, cars that we bought used but are reliable, no debt aside from the mortgage and a car payment well under $200 on one car, clothes on our backs, enough money to keep the house warm, etc. Our children are healthy and reasonably happy - I don't think we can ask for much more. We are able to put the max in his 401K at work and maximize the company match, we have health insurance, dental insurance, vision insurance, and a steady income from a stable employer.

I just hope my children can adopt my "glass half-full" attitude over their father's.

Why Do I Give Him This Power Over Me?

Why do I let Spousehole do this to me? Why do I give him that power?

I was having a pretty good day. Playing and goofing around with my daughter, jamming to the Schoolhouse Rock DVD. Brought back memories for me, she loved all the number-related videos. Got a lot done around the house. Had a fun IM chat with someone fairly new (though he moves a little fast for me- a few emails and a couple IM chats and he wants to meet at a local hot tub place already . . . ). Boy wasn't so anxious as he has been, ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in at least a year . . . . Just an all-around pretty good day.

Then right after my post about my dream last night (see below), Spousehole manages to bring me down again and I'm on the verge of tears.

He took off his wedding ring again.

I have no idea why. The house is cleaner than usual, I made a nice dinner (steak and potatoes - a manly man meal), his underwear is clean and in the drawer (not folded; if he wants 'em folded he can do that himself), I haven't spent any of "his" money, I offered helpful and insightful advice (when ASKED) about a situation he has at work . . . I don't know WTF I did wrong. It may have to do with something this weekend. I left my phone on the kitchen counter, charging, and he was apparently in the kitchen when it indicated a text was received. Later, while we were out for ice cream, he asked, nonchalantly, "So who is A and why did he text you XYZ?" I told him that A is just a friend (true). When he looked skeptical, I explained further that he (Spousehole) has nothing to worry about, A is no threat to our marriage or anything (also true). I closed by telling him that I love him and only him and that no friendship is going to change that (again, completely true). He seemed ok with that, acknowledging his own opposite gender friends that he expects me to not be concerned about. But then when my phone rang the other night, he said in a snarky voice "Oh, is that A calling to say good night?" (It was not. It was another male friend calling to talk about his wife's latest outrage, but I didn't explain that.)

But would that be enough to make him take off his wedding ring? I don't know. I'm almost afraid to ask. Screaming, furious Spousehole I've gotten used to. Quietly angry (enough to take off his wedding ring) Spousehole frightens me.

He sure does know how to fuck up an otherwise good mood.

A New Situation

A new situation has arisen and I'm not quite sure what to do with it or about it. Spousehole isn't angry, but he seems depressed.

When I came home Sunday night, after an impromptu rendezvous with PiC, Spousehole seemed really, really down. I thought perhaps he had some inkling of where I had been. But he doesn't usually hold that type of thing in. If he suspected something, he would confront me. That's his M.O.

This morning he seemed down before he went to work. He was also surprised to see me awake and dressed before 7:00 - I had to have some blood drawn and they required fasting so I wanted it done first thing in order to be able to eat. Anyway, he just seemed out of it, not himself. Not angry, just down.

I went out for lunch this afternoon and when I came home he was here and in bed - at 2:30 in the afternoon. I asked if he was okay and he said that he felt light-headed, dizzy. He wasn't terribly convincing. He seemed more like he just wanted to hide under the covers and not come out. I know that feeling, I've been there way, way too often.

He stayed in bed all afternoon, only emerging when I asked if he wanted dinner. Once dinner was ready, I asked again if he was okay, explaining that he seemed more depressed than usual. He shrugged his shoulders. I told him I was worried about him, because I love him. He smiled and continued serving himself. After dinner he seemed better, going to the boat store for some gel coat for the cat. He didn't want me to go with him, but he also didn't give me a list of things he'd like to see accomplished in his absence. Highly unusual.

I know this is a pointless post, but it's for me, not you all. Some people think aloud, I think here.

Edit: He got the gel coat and seems much happier outside working on the cat. I swear that damn boat makes him happier than I ever did. But the weirdness continues: I needed money to go get more dishwasher detergent (God forbid that I should wash those dishes by hand!) and he handed over the cash without complaint or grumbling. That's not like him at all. I reminded him that I love him before I left for the store and he smiled and said "I know you do." What does that mean? Or does it mean anything? Maybe I'm just overanalyzing this whole thing.