A Sad Day

I'm kind of weepy today. Feeling very emotional, vulnerable, heartbroken. Spousehole has been good, pleasant. He admitted to me that he cried last night over where we've ended up. I have never seen him cry in 10 years that we've been together. He had tears in his eyes before he returned to work after lunch. We're being very pleasant, very adult, with one another. It can't last.

The holidays will be hard. I know I'll constantly be thinking "This is the last time we'll do (whatever) as a family" and will be on the verge of tears all the time. My family will be able to read what's going on, I'm sure of it. They'll figure it out before the pie is served on Thursday.

His family is generally more oblivious to such things. They probably won't have a clue until we tell them. We are planning to wait a while to tell them, get through the holidays and get closer to being able to actually divide into two households.

When we get along as well as we have the last couple days, part of me wants to run to Matthew and tell him that I was wrong, we can work it out, our children need an intact family. But that's the emotional idealistic part of me and the intellectual part of me knows that the idealistic part is always wrong. We can't make it work because neither of us really wants it to work. If we did, we would have been working harder all along instead of driving ourselves further and further apart every day.

We said yesterday that we still love each other, so hopefully we can use that love to keep things civil as we proceed. That and our mutual love for our children. I'm terrified of the future, but hopeful as well.