We talked today. It was calm and halfway rational. We agree that it's not working and not likely to ever work. We agreed that we will endeavour to share custody of the children and try to spare them as much pain as possible. We agreed to continue living together until the end of the school year. We agreed that we won't tell our families until after the holidays that we are planning to split. We agreed to try to be as pleasant as possible to one another while we are still sharing a household and bank account and not to stand in one another's way just for spite.
He told me that he truly loves me, but he agrees that love is not enough to make it work. He held me, really held me, and I felt closer to him than I have in years. Ironic.
And so the end begins . . .
Sunday, November 18, 2007
The End Begins
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27 comments:
oh...just found you here.
good luck with the separation....i know how painful that can be...with that said I have to go read more. :)
Good for you Bunny. And good luck trying to keep it peaceful for the kids... sometimes when the dam breaks, the dam breaks.
C:)
Here's hoping that the two of you will remain as civilized towards each other as you do today. For most of us it's quite the opposite when it came to splitting the sheets. Best of luck.
I am sorry dear... always available to talk.
Sometimes I'm not sure how comforting thoughts are from someone who has no idea what you are going through, but all the same, I hope things go as smoothly as possible during this time. I'm sure this isn't a decision made lightly. I always admire people who do what is best for themselves even when it might be the hardest thing ever. My thoughts are with you.
I'm not entirely shocked that he was calm and agreeable about the situation and the solution. Be prepared though, you are likely to have some rough days ahead of you. However, probably not nearly as rough as just staying and taking his crap has been. You have a light at the end of your tunnel.
Best of luck and lots of hugs.
Glad it went calmly. However, I would caution that this may be the calm before the storm. Please be on your guard. Not trying to be a downer, just trying to make sure that you don't think that it's going to be this easy every day.
(((Bunny)))
I have to agree w/ the last commentor....be guarded. My ex and your H have so much characteristics in common. And what I thought was going to be an amiciable seperation blew up into something I would/could have never imagined. I'm not saying that is what is going to happen to you (God I hope not....) but be prepared for anything.
You're a smart cookie though. *hugs* and stay strong.
xo
I'm sure it isn't easy, but I defintiley have to say "Good for you" as well...it sounds like it has been a long time coming.
Glad to hear it was a civil beginning of the end and that you could both come to an agreement amiably. I may not be able to relate terribly well, but if you need an ear (or eye, as it were) I'm here. :-)
I am with the comments before me who hope this civility continues. If things get a little rough, then hopefully not very rough and that it the difficult parts pass quickly.
I'm sorry. I wish you luck. Be strong. Having been a child of an unexpected divorce, don't stall in telling the kids. It hurts more to know the marriage was over long before you knew and your parents were faking it.
Yes... they seem to do the same pattern... many of them at least... Like being nice now and aknowledging mistakes and errors would make it all better... and yes, trying... really trying... one it's too late... once we are not there anymore...
But... I agree with those saying to be awared... this can bring a lot of problems in not long... At your place, I wouldn't stay in the same place as him right now... I would have him moved... unless you prefere to go... I don't think that once so much had been share between two human beings such as a marriage, and it is ending, there is stfor respect and kind behavior... But hey... we can be wrong... Only you knonw...;-)
I was thinking of you often this last week end... and thinking about that time I had to go through the same path... Be strong... I know you are... ;-)
I have to agree with most of the comments here....I am really glad you were able to talk in a civilized manner. I found SF did that from time to time but it was part of a pattern to mess with my mind. He was trying to prove that I was unfit to be a mother by messing with my mind to make me feel crazy. He would switch from nasty to nice and then back again.
I hope for your sake that this isn't the case for you. You know you have a lot of friends here all rooting for you.
hugs
just a thought if things start to get nasty for heavens sake hide your knives. That was one of the first things my solicitor told me to do especially after he first threatened to stab me then started telling me to stick the knife into him (in front of my 9yr old).
I really don't want to scare you, just warn you to be prepared.
Like everybody else ... be careful ... this is too much a change in his attitude, smells fishy. LiR said to hide the knives ... don't know if that would do much good because if he wants to get you he will, knife or no knife.
If things start to get nasty ... leave right away. If he threatens violence call the police ... call a lawyer and get the paperwork moving ... and record everything, on tape, write it down.
Good luck sweetie
Awww man, I'm sorry...
It's good that you've both agreed to peaceful terms but still...
It's hard, I know.
Yeah, I get that. When my ex and I agreed it was game over, that was the closest I'd felt to him in years.
Here's hoping the rest of the school year goes smoothly.
Yet more unsolicited advice: No matter how amicable things are, get a lawyer asap, if you haven't already. Not to be adversarial, but to be informed. One thing that occurs to me is that- you said you're going to be the one to move out, and that might have serious implications re: custody. Even if you mutually agree it's the best thing to do, IF he decides to try to keep your kids, he's got a leg up in the process if you moved out without them.
Anyway. I'm glad it's civil for now, and hope it stays that way. Watch your back -- with his family, too. Just in case.
i am very relieved at the news. what you've been describing of his actions has smacked of abuse, not just marital discord, and my take is that it's best for both you and the children that you get away from him.
as sandy shoes says, get a lawyer immediately. discuss all the issues around custody. make sure the assets are secure from any attemtps on his part to spirit them away. i don't know your financial situation, but when i got divorced in Ann Arbor 9 years ago, Michigan had a formula that was used to determine alimony and such. i was able to negotiate better. don't rush into any agreements.
lots of luck. it will be hard, but it sounds like a very wise decision.
Bunny...
I'm so sorry.
I live in a not so pristine marriage myself!
Maybe someday I'll have the courage to make the same move, but I don't know. I wish you luck!
G..(((Huge Hug)))
I'm sorry that it finally came to this for you and agree that "caution" should be your watch word moving forward through the logistics.
That said, my only advice would be don't go looking for trouble because you fear it may always be around the corner.
Best wishes through what I'm sure will be a tough Holiday Season.
Wow. ((Bunny))
wow Bunny. I have to say that i am envious. The only time i tell MM the truth is when he's totally upset me and I sidle up to him and whisper, I want a divorce. Move out NOW. and then later when i'm calm againhe can dismiss it.
The couple of times when i did try to approach him calmly? he got crazy and started saying mean things about how he doesn't want anything to do with his son anymore...gah.
i'm impressed & envious & wish you the best of luck.
Geez, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope things go okay with the kids...
B, I honestly hope for the kids' sake and yours that things stay amicable. It probably would be smart to see an attorney now to find out what you need to be doing even before filing for divorce. Good luck and as you can see, we're all behind you.
Renee
Bunny - I really can't say anything that hasn't already been said. From what I've read on your blog this seems like a good move. Just be careful, keep your guard up and be safe.
I'm sorry it has come to this. I think I understand though. I've been dealing with the same issues. I hope it remains calm between the two of you.
Sorry in advance for being so wordy - I'm catching up here.
I'm glad he's so far being civilized. Keep your pen and paper handy and someplace to lock it up because you will need it. Document, document, document!! Staying in the same house is going to be hard. Are you sure he can't move out of the house after the holidays? If not, get yourself a storage locker somewhere and put anything you consider of value in it. As I'm sure you know, possession is 9/10 of the law.
I agree with sandy shoes - get a smart lawyer of your own and file first. He needs to move, not you and under no circumstance should you leave without your kids. You're going to be the custodial parent in this 50/50 agreement. That means that you get to have the final say in the school arrangements and all of that happy crap. Being that you haven't worked since the kids were born, he kind of sort of owes you the house, so convince him to leave first. It'll be for the best... {{HUGS}}
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