The Reluctant Recipient: Why Some Women Don't Want to Go There

This is a follow-up to this post, which was a response to this one: At Longing's End.

Some have asked, why are some women reluctant to have their partner perform cunnilingus?

The answers are as varied as the women who feel that way, I'm afraid. But I'll try to cover what I think are the most common reasons.

A women may feel like she just can't ask something so "gross" of someone she cares for. She may feel that, no matter how much you say you want to do this for her, no matter how much you say you like it, no reasonable person could possibly want to place his mouth to her genitals. This can come from an ingrained belief that genitals are dirty and "bad." It can also come from a feeling that she doesn't look, taste, or smell good. She may be worried about vaginal secretions. She may be concerned that it will take too long. She may be apprehensive about being so very open to someone, baring her most private parts for up-close inspection, naked and vulnerable. Some women aren't terribly familiar with themselves "down there" (after all, we have to make an effort to look at ourselves) and are concerned with what you are seeing that she may never have seen. A woman may also have had a previous partner who reinforced her concerns or was just not terribly good at it (or just not interested in what he was doing) so it wasn't pleasurable for her. Some women feel disconnected from their partner - he or she is "down there" doing their thing and she's almost not even part of it.

If a women is concerned about all these things, imagine how difficult it is for her to just "lay back and enjoy it!" Our brain is our biggest sex organ and if you don't have the brain's attention, you may as well just give up.

Overcoming the Reluctance

Face it, all we women have had that "not so fresh feeling" at times. Unfortunately, that feeling was reinforced by the ridiculous douche and "feminine cleansing" commercials of the 70s and 80s. That can lead to women feeling that she should feel, smell, and taste like a "summer breeze" or some other ridiculous notion. If you think this is her problem (or heck, if it IS her problem - let's be real here: a vulva that's been trapped in panties, pantihose, pants, jeans, whatever all day may not be as fresh as anyone would like, just like male genitals might be a little sweaty or whatever after a long day) - shower or bathe together first, making sure everyone is cleaned with soap and water and rinsed thoroughly. A nice shower together, water flowing over skin, soapy hands gliding over breasts and hips and genitals, is amazing foreplay for most people. After all, making sure she is aroused before you dive between her legs is another way to help make cunnilingus more palatable for the reluctant recipient.

An aside:
Bad 70's commercials aside, DO NOT encourage your reluctant partner to douche to feel more fresh. We now know that douching is not necessary and may actually promote the growth of harmful bacteria. The vagina is a self-cleansing organ. Regular vaginal secretions and menstruation "flush out" anything that shouldn't be there. Never use any lubrication or flavoring that is not designed for genital use - i.e., buy the commercial "personal lubricants" (flavored or not, your choice), don't just use whatever find sitting around the kitchen (or garage or wherever). Particularly don't put anything sugary in a vagina - sugar feeds yeast and no one wants a yeast infection! Wash the vulva regularly and thoroughly, getting in all the folds and such, rinse well, and let the vagina take care of itself.

Okay, back to the fun part.

Tell your woman that she is beautiful; that she has beautiful genitals. Tell her that you love how she smells. Tell her that she tastes delicious! Lick your fingers after they've been inside her to show her that you are sincere. You want to do this, you like to do this - make sure SHE knows that! Make some noise that lets her know you are enjoying it (don't go overboard with this however - a little can go a long way. Too much just seems fake. And no slurping! That's just a turnoff, at least for women with whom I've discussed it.) A lot of women need to know that you truly enjoy this experience in order for them to relax and enjoy it themselves. Many women are all about pleasing others and need that reassurance that you are pleased before they can enjoy it too. We feel guilty getting something and not giving something in return, so let her know you ARE getting something out of it.

Let her know that you have all the time in the world for this and that she needn't be concerned about how long it takes to get to orgasm. In fact, you might want to let her know that licking her totally turns you on, but that this time isn't about you at all. It's her night (or day or whatever) and you aren't doing this as foreplay but as a destination in itself. It's not about getting her "warmed up" so you can have your pleasure. This IS what pleases you.

Don't let her feel disconnected from you. Sometimes a guy can be so caught up in his "work" that he forgets to keep in contact with the whole woman. I sometimes feel like I should be shouting "Hey - you okay down there? Still breathing?" The vulva may be your immediate point of contact, but it's still connected to a whole woman who needs other attentions as well. If you have a free hand, lock fingers with her or touch her breasts or ass or abdomen. Every 3 or 4 minutes, maybe check in with her. Kiss her, ascertain that she's still enjoying it, find out what you are doing right/wrong, what she wants more/less of - then get back to work. Check in again in a few minutes. BUT THIS MAY BE WRONG FOR SOME WOMEN. Communicate with your partner. Sometimes it may break the mood or her concentration if you stop, so find out what your partner prefers. Just keep some sort of contact with her other than her vulva, whether physically or emotionally. Don't let it be like when I had my c-sections. You know something is happening on the other side of the curtain, but you almost feel like you aren't even part of it after a while, especially when those working over there seem to forget that the rest of you is here too. She's a woman, not just an orgasm project.

Might you be making some errors that lead to her reluctance? It's possible.

Don't go too fast from the beginning. This isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. Pace yourself.

If something is working for her, DON'T STOP OR CHANGE WHAT YOU ARE DOING!! Don't think "If this is good, faster will be better." NO! If it is working, keep doing EXACTLY that.

Don't imitate porn cunnilingus moves. For the most part, they are trying to get a good shot for the camera, not actually please the actress on the receiving end. Just because Jenna Jameson seemed to like it does not mean she really did or that your partner will.

Use your whole mouth, not just your tongue and not just the tip of your tongue. Keep your whole mouth involved to maintain intimacy and keep your tongue from tiring out too quickly. A whole warm mouth is far more stimulating than a disembodied tongue, trust me.

When in doubt, ASK YOUR PARTNER what feels good and what doesn't. Remember that she can't see what you are doing! That's why we tend to say things like "That thing you did? That was good," and you're left going "uh, what thing?" So it has to be more of "what about this?" and then you do "this". Or "how about that?" after you do "that."

Now, if your reluctant recipient is reluctant because she is NEVER open to being pleasured because she can't let go like that, can't handle being touched "down there," or has no interest in having an orgasm, then none of this will help. Sorry. You've got bigger problems than a lack of oral sex.

I have more tips and things that I'll post another day, because they stray too much from today's topic of the reluctant recipient. (I have trouble staying on topic as it is . . . )

Feel free to share in the comments things that worked to (if you're the giver) bring about your reluctant partner or to (if you're the reluctant recipient) bring you around.

Wet Wednesday - Committed

1. for you, is sex hotter when it is forbidden? or are you the sort that is wracked with guilt and it is not enjoyable?

Forbidden is pretty hot, I must admit. I thought I would feel guilty cheating, but I didn't and don't. I thought I would feel bad about having sex with a man other than my husband, but found I really like variety and don't think the hub really cares. I thought I would feel guilty sleeping with another woman's husband, but that hasn't been a problem either, even when I have actually met and like the wife (see here). Overall though, for me the "hotness" of it has less to do with being forbidden or not than with the chemistry between my partner and I. I've had technically good sex with all kinds of people, but the really hot sex comes when you've got chemistry, that attraction that takes it to another level. If I had to choose between a partner with excellent technique but only average attraction between us and a partner with amazing chemistry but less technical skill, I'll take the hot chemistry any day. Skills can be learned, chemistry is just there or isn't. (Of course, the chemistry can be lost if he's a clumsy oaf who can't learn, but that's another post . . . )

2. are casual sexual encounters fulfilling to you, or do you need an emotional commitment from your partner?

They are sexually fulfilling, if not emotionally. Sex for the sake of sex is fine, if there's an deeper attraction that's great too, but if you can get the trifecta - technically good sex + intense attraction (chemistry) + emotional connection, so much the better!

3. do you think that with all of the online dating sites that cater to every fetish and desire and places like craigslist that it's more difficult to stay committed to your partner?

No, I don't think the availability of those sites makes it less difficult to stay committed. If you go looking on those sites, you've already decided that staying committed isn't working for you. That is, you don't go there if maintaining that commitment is a vital part of your life. I certainly never considered looking at such sites until I had reached the point that my marital commitment was not so important to me anymore.

Play along with Wet Wednesday here!

I Swear I Didn't Manipulate The Answers . . .

This is really, truly what the result was from my honest answers. Pretty weird, really. But cool.

You're Watership Down!

by Richard Adams

Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

For those just tuning in, I really, really like rabbits and Watership Down is my favorite book. No shit.

TMI Tuesday!

It's TMI Tuesday! Click the "I kiss and tell" icon to come play with us!!


1. By what nickname(s) were you known as a child?

My sister couldn't say my name, so she called me DeeDa. I can't tell you any others because they would give away my real name :-) I wasn't regularly called Bunny until college.

2. Do you have a favorite poem and, if so, what is it? Recite it (or a snippet) here, please.

First Fig by Edna St. Vincent Millay

My candle burns at both ends;

It will not last the night;

But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends--

It gives a lovely light!

3. What is your greatest regret in life, something that you failed to do that you wish you did?

I had a close friend and he and I were very attracted to one another, sometimes acting on that attraction when we'd had too much to drink. Then we would chalk it up to drinking and go back to being friends. We never tried a real relationship because we were afraid to lose the friendship. Also I was a snob at that time about the fact that he didn't finish college - I didn't want to date anyone without at least a Bachelor's degree. I regret not making a try at a relationship - perhaps we would have been very good together.

4. You are tired and hungry, but it's too late to cook. If any snack food were available to you, what would you choose and why?

Lay's Wavy Potato Chips and Yoder's Outrageous French Onion Dip. Yumm! There's a reason I don't keep either in my house . . .

5. What is the oldest item of clothing (not jewelry!) that you wear regularly and what do you love about it?

A sweatshirt from my law school. It's worn and soft and warm and reminds me of being a student.

Bonus (as in optional):Name a movie or TV show that changed your thinking or behavior.

To Kill A Mockingbird. I learned not to judge people before getting to know them and that doing the right thing is more important than doing the popular thing.

Happy Paczki Day! (Or Fat Tuesday or Mardi Gras or Carnival or Fasnacht Day or Pancake Day or Shrove Tuesday or just Tuesday - whatever today might be to you)

Delivering the Poop

I delivered the jars of "specimen" to the lab today, so there is no longer poop in my refrigerator. I felt that I should let you all know that, in case you were planning to come to dinner.

I may be a 40-year-old mother with an advanced degree, but inside I'm a juvenile delinquent. When tasked with delivering a bag of poop, my first inclination is still to drop it on the doorstep, light it on fire, ring the bell and run like crazy.

Mute Monday - Pinnacle

This was difficult!!
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I may have to kill someone at my son's school's bus company (privatization sure hasn't made my life any easier!!) The bus is never on time, but I am used to that. Today, however, they just didn't show up at all. I spent 15 minutes listening to some damn recording (all our operators are assisting other customers . . .) before I finally was allowed to speak to a human being. She contacted the driver, who said "Oh yeah, I didn't go to that house. I was running behind." WTF??? She was running late, so she just skipped our house. Holy shit. It's a special ed bus. There are only 6 kids on the damn route and she thought since she was running late that she would just skip one? What if we weren't able to drive him to school (Spousehole came home to help get Boy on the bus and ended up driving him when the bus hadn't arrived by 9:00 a.m.)? One day last week I got fed up with the bus not coming and not being able to get through to the transportation company and drove Boy myself. My neighbor later told me that a bus was at my house at 9:15. School starts at 8:50.

So they are regularly late, skip special ed kids because they just don't feel like picking them up, try to drop special needs kids off at the wrong house (they've done this to him at least once every year), blame me when they go to the wrong address and, amazingly, we aren't there to get on the bus, and don't answer their goddamn phones (and about 50% of the time the recorded message just hangs up on you without transferring you to anyone). How is this an improvement from when the school district operated their own transportation service? Privatization sucks, if you ask me.

The Rules of Cunnilingus

I didn't make the rules, I just read 'em and recommend 'em. And I definitely recommend Sylvanus and Mina's Rules of Cunnilingus. Check it out. After you've read it, you may come back and read my comments, if you are interested:

1. Unlike Mina, I like hard, direct stimulation of my clitoris with your tongue. Just something to keep in mind. Put your fingers wherever you would like, I'll enjoy that. But the direct stimulation with the tongue is vital - licking, flicking, sucking: all good, just don't be gentle about it. See how we can all be so different?

2. Amen, brother!

3. For me (and this may be just me), let's take a shower together first. I just feel better about the whole thing if our foreplay includes a shower. I feel cleaner and am more open to having you "down there." But that may just be me. And maybe having soapy, slippery hands sliding all over me is just a great warm-up for me.

Also I would reiterate what Sylvanus said:

The more you make her feel like licking her is an eagerly-awaited privilege, and the less like a necessary pit stop before you can plug her with your cock, the better it will make her feel. But, by now, this is probably obvious to you.

But something guys forget: women are often very verbal. Talk to her! Tell her what you are thinking, how she looks. Use words and engage her brain.

4. Sylvanus is right - I'll tell you what I want at this point. Usually I'm going to want you to kiss me - hard - and I'll probably want you inside me, but maybe not. I'll let you know what, when and where, though feel free to share what you want as well. Thanks for listening. Again, Sylvanus' wise words:

And, for the love of God, please, do not ever, after giving oral say any of the following:

• “You sure take a long time.” Hey, you spent all day trying to play with her pussy, now you’re upset when you get to do it?
• “What did you eat?” As soon as your semen tastes like a Frosty, you can lecture her on how she tastes.
• “Your turn!” (or "My turn!")
  

I've heard the "You sure take a long time" thing before. Makes you never want to have your man go there again, like it's just too much damn work. I'll get defensive and likely respond with "Well if you had a clue what you were doing . . . " and it will just deteriorate from there and you'll NEVER get yours :-) So even if it took "too long," don't say so.

Now go back to At Longing's End and thank Sylvanus and Mina for these wonderful lessons!

Okay, now let's practice!

And the Poop Continues . . .

Will this never end?

My son had his 7-year check-up yesterday. In addition to getting a referral to a behavioral psychiatrist, the doctor wants to have some labs done on his (Boy's) bowel movements. Guess whose job it is to collect three containers of "specimen," seal the jars in hazardous material envelopes, and keep them IN HER FRIDGE until they can be delivered to the lab?

If you guessed me, YOU WIN!

And the cat pooped on the floor in the downstairs bathroom, just to cap off a lovely morning.

Our pediatrician rocks though. She saves articles for me, really listens, and wears cool clothes. She had on cream-colored fishnet stockings yesterday. Spousehole found this off-putting, however. "I don't think fishnets are really appropriate for a pediatrician" blah blah blah. She had on slacks - you only got a glimpse of the fishnets. Sheeez. I like her a lot. She's a mom too and she totally gets where I'm coming from.
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Edit 11:05 a.m.: Spousehole once again demonstrated some excellent parenting skills at the doctor yesterday. He was able to gently convince Boy to be weighed, measured, and take the eye exam. Then Boy had to have a Varivax booster (chicken pox vaccine). He has not handled shots well in the past. It took four people to give his flu shot last year - three to hold him, one to jab him. Yesterday Spousehole asked the nurse to bring an empty syringe when she brought Boy's shot. She then wiped Spousehole's arm, "gave him a shot" (no needle in the syringe), and put a Band-Aid on the spot, while Spousehole explained the whole procedure to Boy. Boy was still apprehensive and Spousehole had to hold Boy's free arm, but he tolerated it well. He yelled when he was poked. He cried for about 3 seconds, then stopped cold and just looked at the Band-Aid on his arm. He smiled at the Band-Aid and said "Okay, all done." He was happy to get his sticker at check-out and was fine after that. You wouldn't have known it was the same kid from the flu shot incident last year.

Now if Spousehole could translate these skills for everyday use . . .