Sex and the Children

Yes, I know the former is generally required to create the latter. That's not what this is about.

My kids are only 6 and 2, so sex education hasn't formally begun in our household. Sure, we've covered "good touches, bad touches" and the like. But that's not what I am talking about either. I'm talking about how we, as parents, address sex and sexuality with our children.

I grew up in a home where sex was not a taboo subject. No, my parents weren't graphic about discussing their exploits or anything, but they were open and honest with us about sex. We knew what it was from a fairly early age and were encouraged to ask any questions that occurred to us. My parents were foster parents, mainly for teenage girls - some of whom were in foster care because they were pregnant. (That was an unspoken lesson on the lack of joy in teen pregnancy - worked for me!) My mom, especially, made sure we girls knew how everything functioned and, as we approached our teen years, about STDs and pregnancy. We knew how each could be prevented, should we choose to not follow Mom's advice and encouragement about waiting to become sexually active until we were adults and in love. Mom didn't really hold out much hope of us waiting until our wedding nights to have sex, as she herself did not really want to wait until marriage. (She did, reluctantly; she wanted to have sex once she and Dad were engaged. He refused, not out of any sense of morality, but out of fear of my grandfather's firearms collection.)

My parents taught us that masturbation was a normal part of life and an excellent alternative to teen sex; just keep it private. We were taught that sex and sexuality were not bad things and could be discussed with them without judgement. The message was that sex was a gift from God, to be shared with someone you love and who loves you.

Spousehole, on the other hand, grew up in a household where sex was never discussed. Ever. Well, that's not true. It was never, ever, discussed POSITIVELY. He is 40 years old and his parents have yet to have "the talk" with him. When he was a preschooler, he showed his mom how he could make his penis "talk." She freaked out and told him that he should never, ever touch his penis except to clean it and should never, ever show it to anyone. When he reached puberty, they told him that sex and masturbation were bad, sick and disgusting. They told him that looking at pornography meant he was sick and perverted, he was not a Christian, and he would go to Hell. End of discussion. The message was "sex is bad."

So now we need to merge these two life experiences into some sort of guidance for our our children. Spousehole is still pissed at his parents for screwing him up regarding sex, so he sees that their way is not the way we should go. But he thinks my parents were a bit too permissive. (Believe me, they were not permissive. When my high school boyfriend and I were caught kissing laying on a bed, there was heck to pay. Feet had to remain on the floor and doors left open. They didn't hand me a box of condoms and say "Have fun and be careful!")

We plan to be fairly open with our kids. They will know the mechanics as soon as they are mature enough to handle it. We will encourage them to not become sexually active until they are mature and in a loving, trusting, committed relationship. We will tell them that masturbation is not sick or perverted, but is something that you do privately. And that they can talk to us about any and everything. I think it is less about specifically talking about sex as it is about treating sexuality as a normal, healthy part of life.

This is a great plan as far as Girl is concerned. She will be encouraged to wait, but that if she does not she will know about birth control and disease-prevention. She will get the Gardasil vaccination, because even if she is not sexually active before marriage, her future spouse may have been. (Or she could be infected with HPV in a non-consensual manner.) Girl will know all her options and we will have to trust that we've raised her with the values to make the right decisions.

Boy is a harder case. He is autistic. He'll probably understand the mechanics just fine. But how do we teach him the emotional nuances? Will he understand that while masturbation is not a bad thing, we don't do it in class and we don't discuss it with people we meet on the bus? Autistic people don't have that innate ability to determine what is appropriate in a social situation and what is not that most of us develop. That part of their brain just doesn't operate like yours and mine. At 6, he understands that other people should not touch his private parts. But he doesn't yet understand that he should not touch other people's. He is unable to recognize that other people have feelings, emotions, and thoughts, just like he does. He cannot relate that way to others. Developmentally, most children hit a point where they just innately recognize that others are like them, having feelings like them, and have thoughts just like them. This is when empathy develops. Autistic kids seem to skip this stage developmentally, never really understanding how another person feels. You can explain it intellectually, but they'll never really feel it. How do you teach about sexuality to someone like that?

I know there are books out there on teaching about sexuality to people on the spectrum and I'll be looking into that. I just needed to put these thoughts out there to help me work through them myself.

Edit @ 1:43 P.M.: It appears that sex education will be unnecessary for my children, as I will be killing them long before they ever need it. Holy shee-oot, who are these monsters and what have they done with my offspring? Screaming, hitting, dumping an entire can of baking powder on the floor, pouring soy milk on the floor (living room!), biting me when disciplined . . . and that's just the little one. The other is throwing things, pooping his pants (he's 6!), shutting doors on his sister, shoving her around . . . you get the picture. Total freaking chaos today. School starts Tuesday, at least then one will be gone most of the day.