Response to a comment

In response to a recent post of mine, a fellow blogger commented:

oh gosh - I actually feel sorry for Spousehole now. I can see the appeal of doing this and I can see that you are taking precautions to make sure it doesn't backfire on you - but it's so not good for the soul. Surely it's better to finish things with Spousehole and then be a free agent and do as you wish. I just think you will end up getting hurt or in a whole heap of trouble.

Let me say first that I appreciate this type of comment. I appreciate criticism and such, so long as it is civil and/or constructive. I like people to be honest and say what they feel about what I write, but to be polite about it, as was this commenter. If someone said "Fat ugly whore!" that wouldn't be appreciated (but I would know that Spousehole had found the blog - LOL).

My response:

Sometimes I feel bad for Spousehole too. But he's made his choice to blame his erectile issues on me, telling me I'm too fat, old, ugly, not sexually attractive, etc., and only once confessing that he has the same erectile problems even masturbating. He refuses to discuss this with his doctor to see if there's something that can help (meds, treatment of any as-yet-unknown underlying condition, I don't know). He's made his choice to not share my bed in any way, sexual or otherwise. He's made the choice to verbally abuse and degrade me and make me feel so bad about myself that I seek comfort and reassurance in the arms of other men. He's made the choice to ignore my fairly obvious cheating. He's made his choices and I've made mine, good or bad.

We have actually discussed an open marriage. In that discussion, he acknowledged that he doesn't meet my needs and he knows I need more. He said he wants me to be happy and for that reason he thinks he might be able to tolerate me having lovers, so long as I was discreet and didn't throw it in his face. He never outright gave me permission, but he let me know that he really doesn't care either. Jealousy is apparently not a problem.

No, what I do probably isn't good for my soul. But I really don't feel too bad about it. I've tried, from day one, but the guilt has just never come. I feel bad sometimes not for potentially hurting Spousehole but for risking my children's family and stable home life. Then I remember that we aren't exactly a happy family and my children's home life isn't exactly stable. So what really am I risking? So long as the children are not aware of or involved in any way in my infidelity, it isn't likely to have any effect on my getting primary physical custody if Spousehole and I separate. Perhaps my children will be happier if their parents aren't fighting with each other or walking on eggshells constantly.

All these are things I think about regularly, especially with Spousehole now interviewing out of state which raises the possibility of having to choose to move together and make this work or separate and have the children deal with a long distance parenting relationship.