When Is It Sex and When Isn't It?

Editor's note: This is kind of rambling, a stream-of-consciousness thing. It's not totally coherent, but here it is anyway.

I had a conversation with a teen girl this week that has bothered me ever since. I've read about how kids these days are having oral sex fairly young and even that some are having anal intercourse, all in an attempt to retain their "virginity," ie, being able to tell mom and dad (or whoever) that they haven't had sex because they haven't had vaginal intercourse. As I said, I've heard and read this in the media, but the conversation I had with this girl this week was the first time I heard it from the mouth of a teen I know in real life. It scared me, because I suspect she is pretty typical.

This girl called me because she wanted to talk to an adult who wasn't her parent or from her school or in a position of authority at our church. She chose me because I've talked to her a lot (just casually before this) and she knows and likes my husband. She wanted to talk about what counts as sex and what doesn't.

Apparently, it is quite common for kids as young as middle school/junior high age (!) these days, even in my very conservative midwestern city of residence, to do "everything but" and tell themselves and others that they are not having sex because they haven't had vaginal intercourse. Let me tell you something: if you are having oral sex or anal sex or bringing one another to orgasm in some other way, you may not be "having sex" but you are sexually active without a doubt. And whether or not vaginal intercourse is part of your activities isn't really an issue. You are sexually active. You need to take precautions against disease and pregnancy. (Because yes, you can get pregnant without "putting it inside." What do they teach these kids these days???) You have to deal with pretty much all of the same feelings and emotions as if you were having vaginal intercourse. Feelings and emotions that you may not be ready to handle.

If you have signed one of these "purity" pledges, you have violated it, even if you haven't had vaginal intercourse. You may still be technically a virgin, but you have violated the spirit, if not the word, of the pledge. (Not that I think these pledges are a great idea to begin with . . . ) If you are totally honest with future partners (and I believe one always should be), you will need to tell them that while you are technically a virgin you have done all these other things.

I'm not saying that these kids should just go ahead and have vaginal intercourse, since they're doing everything else. Far from it. I'm saying that if saving sexual activity for marriage is a priority, you need to back way, way off from what you've been doing. Wait until you're out of high school (I know - total hypocrite), until you are a bit more mature. Until you can see that what you've been doing IS sex, even if not everyone defines it that way. Look at it this way: if your parents would be horribly upset to find out you had done "X," it's probably too much.

I walked away from that conversation (which I will not relate the exact specifics of here) possibly more confused than when it began. (I'm pretty sure I came off as more together and coherent than I do here and I think I helped her. I hope I did.) I am a total hypocrite, as I said. I had intercourse in high school. I had intercourse before I ever had oral sex, if you can believe that. If someone asks me for the number of partners with whom I have had sex, assuming I choose to answer, I give them the number of people with whom I have had intercourse (yes, it's still a small enough number for me to keep track). So I guess I define "sex" as intercourse too. But if you ask how many people with whom I've been sexually involved, it's way more than that number. But when does it count? Oral or anal sex - definitely counts, right? What about mutual masturbation? A handjob? Fingering? Touching one another through clothes? Dry humping? Touching each other above the waist? Kissing? Thinking sexual thoughts while looking at one another? Phone sex? IM sex?

When do you consider that you "had sex" or are "sexually involved" with someone?