Emotional Rollercoaster

I'm about to post about something I've been withholding from the blog. I've withheld it for several reasons. First, I feel stupid about the situation. Second, the other person used to be a blogger and I didn't want anyone making the connection. But if I don't talk about it, I may just burst. And my emotional rollercoaster won't make any sense if I don't explain. But I may delete this soon after I post it. I don't know. Anyway, here goes:

I've had one rule about internet friendships and extramarital flirting/relationships or whatever: Don't fall in love. That is, love your friends as friends. Have some emotional connection with friends and lovers; but don't fall in love. There's a part of your heart that you can't open to others; it belongs to your spouse and only your spouse. Besides, I'm not one of those people who falls in love at the drop of a hat. Lust, yes. I fall in lust pretty easily, especially with intelligent, confidently sexy men. I fall in Like quite a bit - I like people. I'm basically a friendly person. But I don't fall in love easily; I don't open my heart that easily anymore.

My mistake: I let someone in. It wasn't intentional, it just sort of happened. We read each other's blogs, left comments. Emailed each other with words of support for our respective situations. Soon we were chatting occasionally, then more regularly. Eventually we were chatting nearly every day this summer. We talked about life, love, marriage, sex, food, children, our childhoods, politics, religion (a lot of religion); we talked about everything and about nothing at all. We could, and did, go on for hours. We exchanged pictures - not only of ourselves but our families. We told each other just about everything that happened in our lives. We have a similar messed up sense of humor. Example: Discussing a sexual harassment prevention video shown at a job training seminar, he said "What does it say about me that I almost laughed out loud when the first words out of the video narrator's voice was that the company has a very rigid policy about sexual harassment?" Except I would actually have laughed out loud.

It got to the point that on days we didn't have contact, I missed him. But it's okay to miss a friend, right? Eventually it became apparent that we were more than friends to one another, but we kind of danced around it. Neither of us was looking for more than a friend. We each had and have other friends, but this was different.

Then his life took a drastic turn. He had to stop blogging - deleted his blog entirely, in fact, to protect his family. He had to resign his job, in the only profession he had ever known. His life was turned upside down. This also meant that we would not have regular contact anymore, as his days until he found a new career would be spent nearly 24/7 with his wife.

In our last online chat, he told me he loved me. To my own surprise, I told him that I loved him too. I thought it through later: Was I just saying it because he said it? Or did I really mean it? I realized that yes, I meant it, although I've always believed that you can't fall in love with someone you've never actually met in person. I felt kind of stupid about it - what kind of simpering idiot falls in love over the internet? Besides, we could never really be together. Neither of us is prepared to leave our children or move our children away from their other parent to be together. Being together is a fantasy that can never actually come true, so I needed to just get the heck over it. No problem, right?

After all, I thought, this "love" is merely an illusion. I just feel this way because he listens to me, accepts me - flaws and all, forgives my mistakes, and is basically everything I'm not getting from my spouse. It's kind of like transference in therapy - where you feel briefly like you're in love with your therapist. They listen to you, affirm you, they don't dismiss your feelings or your fears. Like transference, this too shall pass, I thought.

He and I even talked about this - that you can't really know someone online or over the phone. Until you spend time together, flesh and blood, you don't know. Until you've had to wash their dirty underwear, deal with their moods, pick up the dishes they left out, eat dinner together day in and day out, travel together, or live with the aftermath of a mistake they made, you don't know. You just don't know.

I thought that our inability to easily or regularly contact one another for awhile would help things. That this would be some silly crush that would pass. And in the couple months that have passed, I did feel better about it. We've had intermittent contact and it felt like my emotions had settled down. I felt that I still loved and cared for him as a friend, but that anything beyond that had passed. I had moved on.

He's got a new job and he's away from home at a training for said job. Away from his wife, but also a couple time zones away from me. We've emailed, but hadn't actually talked. Until this morning.

This morning we talked on the phone for about half an hour.

Damn if it didn't all just come rushing back for me. I've spent the rest of the day on an emotional rollercoaster. Happy to hear his voice. Ashamed to find that I still care so damn much. Giddy and playful. Kicking myself for not just getting over him already. Up and down. Up and down. All freaking day.

Nothing's changed. I'm not leaving my husband. He's not leaving his wife. We aren't going to be together. We can't. I'm exactly what he doesn't need. But I love him anyway. Damn it. Time was supposed to take care of this. I HATE this feeling.

I'm hoping that just getting this all out will help. Maybe if I read the words, I'll realize just how silly this all is and be able to move on already. Or maybe I'll call him back, hear his voice again while I can.

I've added a poll to accompany this post. I think it is self-explanatory. I'm not answering it myself, because I just don't freaking know. (That goddamn emotional roller coaster again.)

P.S. If you think you recognize my friend from this, please don't leave a comment saying "Are you talking about so-and-so?" Email me if you're so curious. Perhaps I'll tell you, perhaps I won't.