Bunny in Bad, Bad Place

Still no DSL, but the phone company dude was just arriving on my street when I left the house, so there is hope.

I'm in a real bad place today. I mean, physically I'm just at the library - a good place, but emotionally I'm in a terrible place. Too much time this weekend to contemplate the state of my life and marriage has left me miserable. I don't even know how to put them into words, these emotions I am feeling. My husband told me he loved me last night, but I can't believe that. I asked him not to say it anymore, because it just gives me hope and I cannot take having my hopes crushed any further. He says it, but his actions say otherwise. I don't see a man who loves me. I see a man who doesn't want to lose my friendship and companionship, is used to me as part of his life and doesn't like change. I am his companion and possession, not his partner or his lover. He told me that if I chose to sleep with other men, he would be disappointed but could understand and we'd get through it.

Disappointed? That's all I get?

Not hurt? Not angry? And he said it so dispassionately that it just killed me.

It seems that all I ever do is disappoint him. I never meet his expectations and never will.

I'm tired. Physically and emotionally exhausted. Skipped church today because I just couldn't handle it. Needed to have communion with God in a different way. Went to the gym instead and worked myself until I could barely move. I felt better for a while, but it didn't last.

And yes, I am taking my antidepressants. Sometimes it's not the brain chemistry that's the problem, sometimes it's the situation.

He just called me (from his cell, so phone service must not be up yet) and ordered me to come home. He hung up on me, so clearly he's pissed about something. Great. Just what I need today.
I guess I better get home and have this fight, whatever it may be about.