Yes, it turns out the phone co repair dude who was working up the street on Thursday disconnected us instead of/in addition to someone else. Idiots. And it took them until Sunday afternoon to figure this out and fix it? Complete effing idiots. I better get a credit for phone AND dsl, damn it.
I'm doing better than earlier. Not great, but better. Kind of numb now.
In-laws will be here any minute with the kids. Apparently MIL made dinner and is bringing it along to eat here. Like I'm incapable of feeding my family? (I guess I'm a little touchy. Constant criticism all weekend will do that to a person.)
Since they are bringing the kids back so late, Spousehole won't be able to take them with him to church. Our arrangement, you see, is that he will take them to child care at church on Sunday night while he has senior high youth group and that way I have a night to myself with no kids and no spouse. Hasn't happened that way yet this fall, since kids have been sick. I realize I just had a whole weekend without the little buggers, but I was either dealing with Spousehole himself or his complete rejection/lack of emotion toward me all weekend and that was draining. An evening alone sounded really nice. Oh well.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
I'm Ba-a-a-a-ck
Bunny in Bad, Bad Place
Still no DSL, but the phone company dude was just arriving on my street when I left the house, so there is hope.
I'm in a real bad place today. I mean, physically I'm just at the library - a good place, but emotionally I'm in a terrible place. Too much time this weekend to contemplate the state of my life and marriage has left me miserable. I don't even know how to put them into words, these emotions I am feeling. My husband told me he loved me last night, but I can't believe that. I asked him not to say it anymore, because it just gives me hope and I cannot take having my hopes crushed any further. He says it, but his actions say otherwise. I don't see a man who loves me. I see a man who doesn't want to lose my friendship and companionship, is used to me as part of his life and doesn't like change. I am his companion and possession, not his partner or his lover. He told me that if I chose to sleep with other men, he would be disappointed but could understand and we'd get through it.
Disappointed? That's all I get?
Not hurt? Not angry? And he said it so dispassionately that it just killed me.
It seems that all I ever do is disappoint him. I never meet his expectations and never will.
I'm tired. Physically and emotionally exhausted. Skipped church today because I just couldn't handle it. Needed to have communion with God in a different way. Went to the gym instead and worked myself until I could barely move. I felt better for a while, but it didn't last.
And yes, I am taking my antidepressants. Sometimes it's not the brain chemistry that's the problem, sometimes it's the situation.
He just called me (from his cell, so phone service must not be up yet) and ordered me to come home. He hung up on me, so clearly he's pissed about something. Great. Just what I need today.
I guess I better get home and have this fight, whatever it may be about.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
It's 2p.m. on Saturday; Do you know where my DSL is?
Because I sure don't. OMG, I am going insane, I swear. I am at the library again because I just can't break this addiction. At least there's free parking on Saturday. I walked yesterday - forgot how hilly my city is -- but walking 2 miles sure reminded me!
Fucking 01 20 & 20 (my phone company - c'mon it's not that difficult to figure out!) still hasn't seen fit to reconnect my phone and DSL. Mofos. See, we saw a 01 20 & 20 truck on our street Thursday right before our service died. I am sure they accidentally disconnected us instead of one of the neighbors (some people just moved). Happened with our cable once - they meant to disconnect the house 10 digits down from us but cut us off instead (for instance, 55/65). That company took a week to reconnect us and fought me on a credit for the week w/o service. They're fucktastic!
Last night: Did not get sushi or sex, damn it. He wanted to try someplace we haven't been so we went to Uno Chicago Grill. I got Mediterranean flatbread pizza. Good, but the kalamatas were pretty salty and there were a ton of them. Guess what I'm have for dinner again tonight? It was a big pizza.
We went to the cheap (2nd run) movies and saw Harry Potter 5. I didn't want to see it this summer because I was focused on the final book coming out. In watching the movie, I kept thinking of each character's outcome in the last book. Kind of annoying. Is it just me or is Daniel Radcliffe actually becoming attractive as he matures? Spousehole and I had been having a pretty nice evening, lots of playful banter, etc., so I took his hand as we left the theater. You would have thought I had leprosy the way he pulled away from me. Asshole. Didn't seem to care that I was hurt. As soon as we got home, he withdrew to his basement cave (work/game room) to play video games. I mixed myself a rum and Diet Coke that was approximately the color of iced tea (i.e., a bit light on the Diet Coke) and went to bed alone.
Then he was nice as could be this morning, like it was no big deal. Took me to breakfast, we hung out in a used book store (yes, I enjoy that sort of thing - found a first edition I want), and saw another movie: Eastern Promises with Naomi Watts and Viggo Mortensen. Holy cow is he HOTT! Day-um. He does full-frontal in this movie too, but it's not in a sexy context at all as he is in the middle of a nasty, bloody knife fight in a steam bath. Great movie, but not for those with a weak constitution. Lots of graphic violence and bloodletting. I had to look away a couple times because it was so graphic. Concerns the Russian mob in London. Viggo is "just a driver" for a big mob family and Naomi is a midwife at Trafalgar Hospital who has helped deliver the baby of a Russian girl who died in childbirth. She is trying to learn about the girl and ends up entangled with the mob.
Hopefully I be back in full blogging and browsing mode tomorrow!
Friday, October 5, 2007
Hi, my name is Bunny and I am an internet addict . . .
Right after I posted my HNT yesterday, our phone service disappeared and hence my DSL was cut off. The wonderful folks at the phone company say they'll have it repaired by Sunday at 6:00 p.m. HFS, what I am supposed to do until then? I have been jittery and unfocused. I'M JONESING FOR MY FIX, DAMN IT!!! (Trying to flip hair - CANNOT FLIP HAIR!!!!)
I am at the library now, temporarily calming the internet DTs. But I never made it around to HNTs yesterday and can't do too much surfing today (public terminal and all). I feel so disconnected from the world. Thank goodness I still have my cell for voice and texting. I can IM under my AIM username, but no one knows that except my family. At least I'm out of the house for awhile, right?
I got my hair cut today. 4 inches!! It's just at my shoulders now. Great length for flipping!
The kids are spending the weekend at my in-laws' house. Spousehole and I are planning to go out tonight. I told him I want sushi (feed my other addiction) and he said "maybe." Perhaps I'll cut him a deal: if he takes me for sushi, I won't try to get him to have sex this weekend. That ought to ensure I get my sushi. :)
We're planning to spend the rest of the weekend cleaning the house and disinfecting everything AGAIN. Boy is feeling much better (went to school every day this week!), but Girl is sick now. Not so sick that I won't send her to Grandma's though :) We have some projects that really need to get done before the snow flies. Since this is Michigan, that could be next week, even though it is 85 degrees F today. (Old joke: You know you're a Michigander when you've had frostbite and sunburn in the same week. )
Be well everyone. Hopefully I be back to land of the wired very, very soon.
*flips hair*
Thursday, October 4, 2007
HNT
Another new bra, gray this time. Husband actually said he likes this one. Close enough to a compliment - I'll take it!
I submitted mine (covered and uncovered). Go see and support a great cause!
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
When Is It Sex and When Isn't It?
Editor's note: This is kind of rambling, a stream-of-consciousness thing. It's not totally coherent, but here it is anyway.
I had a conversation with a teen girl this week that has bothered me ever since. I've read about how kids these days are having oral sex fairly young and even that some are having anal intercourse, all in an attempt to retain their "virginity," ie, being able to tell mom and dad (or whoever) that they haven't had sex because they haven't had vaginal intercourse. As I said, I've heard and read this in the media, but the conversation I had with this girl this week was the first time I heard it from the mouth of a teen I know in real life. It scared me, because I suspect she is pretty typical.
This girl called me because she wanted to talk to an adult who wasn't her parent or from her school or in a position of authority at our church. She chose me because I've talked to her a lot (just casually before this) and she knows and likes my husband. She wanted to talk about what counts as sex and what doesn't.
Apparently, it is quite common for kids as young as middle school/junior high age (!) these days, even in my very conservative midwestern city of residence, to do "everything but" and tell themselves and others that they are not having sex because they haven't had vaginal intercourse. Let me tell you something: if you are having oral sex or anal sex or bringing one another to orgasm in some other way, you may not be "having sex" but you are sexually active without a doubt. And whether or not vaginal intercourse is part of your activities isn't really an issue. You are sexually active. You need to take precautions against disease and pregnancy. (Because yes, you can get pregnant without "putting it inside." What do they teach these kids these days???) You have to deal with pretty much all of the same feelings and emotions as if you were having vaginal intercourse. Feelings and emotions that you may not be ready to handle.
If you have signed one of these "purity" pledges, you have violated it, even if you haven't had vaginal intercourse. You may still be technically a virgin, but you have violated the spirit, if not the word, of the pledge. (Not that I think these pledges are a great idea to begin with . . . ) If you are totally honest with future partners (and I believe one always should be), you will need to tell them that while you are technically a virgin you have done all these other things.
I'm not saying that these kids should just go ahead and have vaginal intercourse, since they're doing everything else. Far from it. I'm saying that if saving sexual activity for marriage is a priority, you need to back way, way off from what you've been doing. Wait until you're out of high school (I know - total hypocrite), until you are a bit more mature. Until you can see that what you've been doing IS sex, even if not everyone defines it that way. Look at it this way: if your parents would be horribly upset to find out you had done "X," it's probably too much.
I walked away from that conversation (which I will not relate the exact specifics of here) possibly more confused than when it began. (I'm pretty sure I came off as more together and coherent than I do here and I think I helped her. I hope I did.) I am a total hypocrite, as I said. I had intercourse in high school. I had intercourse before I ever had oral sex, if you can believe that. If someone asks me for the number of partners with whom I have had sex, assuming I choose to answer, I give them the number of people with whom I have had intercourse (yes, it's still a small enough number for me to keep track). So I guess I define "sex" as intercourse too. But if you ask how many people with whom I've been sexually involved, it's way more than that number. But when does it count? Oral or anal sex - definitely counts, right? What about mutual masturbation? A handjob? Fingering? Touching one another through clothes? Dry humping? Touching each other above the waist? Kissing? Thinking sexual thoughts while looking at one another? Phone sex? IM sex?
When do you consider that you "had sex" or are "sexually involved" with someone?
WTF Wednesday
WTF . . . is whole-grain apple pixie? This is on my son's school lunch menu for today and I have not the slightest idea what it might be. Does it have dairy in it? Can't tell. Packing his lunch, I guess. *flips hair*
WTF . . . is with my kids? They used to each get up as they woke up and would come downstairs to present themselves to me as a little bundle of need to be appeased. Now when one wakes up, he or she wakes the other first and they come downstairs together. TWO little bundles of need at once. Both want to be held and then have breakfast. Different breakfast, because heaven forbid they should want the same thing. It's a P.I.T.A.. One at a time was much better. *flips hair*
WTF . . . is my problem? Why did I pick a fight that is totally unnecessary? My husband was sifting through a pile of paperwork I have yet to file yesterday. He pulls out a piece of paper and begins studying it intently. It's a lab report from my physical last month. He says "Why in the world did you have testing for a bunch of STDs?" Shit. (All clear, btw!) My reply: "Oh, it's standard now as part of a gynecological exam. No big deal." He bought it. End of story, right? Crisis averted? Well, no. I've been crabby and snarly and can't let things go, so I had to poke the otherwise tranquil beast. "And besides, since I don't really know what happened between you and S when you spent the night with her last summer, better safe than sorry." I'm a fool. It got unpleasant from there. Why do I do stupid shit like that? *flips hair*
WTF . . . is with road crews showing up at 7:30 a.m. and jackhammering the street in front of my house for well over 1/2 an hour? I shit you not. Woke the girl up and upset the boy, who has some sensory integration issues with loud noises (frankly, they don't thrill me either). As an urban neighborhood, all the houses are close to the street, so we could feel the vibrations in the house. And this is a residential neighborhood, full of families with small kids. I snapped a pic so you can see what I'm talking about:
Even a 1/2 hour later would have been preferable. Plus there's no way my son's bus could get through that, so we had to meet the bus on the corner. And it is garbage day AND recycle day, so the garbage and recycle trucks both need to get through. *flips hair*
*flips hair* - if you don't know what this means, check out this post from Stealth, second video. Hil-frickin-larious. Whatever do people do who don't have enough hair to flip?
| Your Passion is Purple! |
 You've got a ton of passion, but you don't always wear it on your sleeve. If something truly excites you, you let your inner intensity shine through. But otherwise, your passion tends to morph into energy ... which you never lack. You're a balanced woman, knowing when to turn on the fire in your heart. |
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
TMI Tuesday!!
1. Early bird or night owl?
Early bird, out of necessity these days. I used to be a night owl, but having kids changed that. Now I'm in bed by 10 most nights (I know, pathetic) but up between 6 and 6:30 a.m. I don't sleep well in between, so I'm not getting as much sleep as it sounds like.
2. If you could only be one, would you rather be smart or good looking?
Smart, without question. Beauty fades, dumb is forever.
3. Do you gossip?
I used to, but I've matured considerably. Mostly I did when I didn't really have a life of my own. Now I'm too darn busy to care what other people are doing.
4. On a scale of 1-10, how adventurous are you? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest)
Probably a 6 overall. I'm very adventurous in some areas (sex, attempting projects that seem overwhelming to others . . .) and not so much in others (you'll never find me skydiving).
5. On a scale of 1-10, how good a kisser do you think you are? ( ditto )
I have no idea. I always seem to get good results though. ;)
Bonus (as in optional):What do you consider the biggest turn on out of the following? a) lingerie b) movies c) toys d) role playing e) leather f) none of this does anything for me
F. I know, you're surprised. I'm more turned on by the person I'm with (even if it's just me!) than any of these things. They all have their place, but none really work for me as much as the person I'm with.
But then again, if he wants to wear leather lingerie and play with a vibrator and riding crop while watching female-centered porn and pretending to be strangers who just met in the hotel bar, who am I to argue?
It's a Sicilian message. It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the Bunny.
The power of Bunny compels you.
And for an hour, for an hour - I'm the best Bunny in the world...
Bunny, for lack of a better word, is good.
