While It's Nice That I'm Not Alone In My Depression . . .

. . . doesn't it seem odd how very many bloggers are going through a rough time right now?

Maybe it's just the particular group I read, but it seems like A LOT of people are experiencing depression right now. Whether new for them or yet another battle in an ongoing war, it just seems like everywhere I turn bloggers are talking about their depression.

I know I'm going through a really bad time right now. Lots of crying for no apparent reason, inability to enjoy things that should be enjoyable, intense desire to kill my spouse . . . oh wait, that last one is pretty normal for me. I missed my meds for a couple days and thought that was the problem since I did feel some better when I returned to taking them, but it didn't last. Depression brings out "thrill seeking" behavior in me and I find myself inclined to such behavior lately.


I have battled clinical depression for many years. I take the "maximum therapeutic dose" of a common anti-depressant and anti-anxiety drug. In the past I have had to add a second anti-depressant for a while and I think that this may be one of those times. I am not suicidal or anything, but I am certainly not doing well. I confessed to my doctor on my last visit (last month) that I do think about suicide every day, but I feel no compulsion to act on those thoughts. I thought that was a good thing, but the doc didn't think so. Apparently normal people don't think about suicide every day. Hmm. Having never been "normal," I was not aware of that fact. Seriously.

In the middle of an argument this morning where we threatened to leave one another and take the kids, Spousehole said it would be better for the children and him if I just disappeared and never came back. And I'm in such a bad state lately that I actually thought he might be right. Of course, he is NOT correct, as my children need me and I need them. I will not be taking his suggestion. I don't think he was suggesting I kill myself, just leave and never come back.

I'm beginning to think that there is something to the idea of S.A.D. - Seasonal Affective Disorder. Really, can it just be coincidence that so many of us have gone downhill in the last few weeks as the amount of sunlight has decreased? What do you think? What's up with all of us?

Suicide is Painless