Not Dead Yet . . . and some lols

The rumours of my death are greatly exaggerated . . . well, exaggerated at least. I am alive, if not always well.

I've been lurking, reading blogs, but not commenting much and not writing on here at all.

Why?

So many reasons, I don't quite know where to start.

Depression probably ranks first.

I've been quite lonely since moving. I miss my family and friends in Michigan and haven't really found any new friends here in S.C. I have some SAHM acquaintences in the neighborhood and an "assigned" friend at church, but I just don't feel like I fit in yet. So I should turn to my online friends, right? But no - my response is to withdraw further into myself. Contradictory, but that's just how I am.

Also depressed about things with my husband. In some ways we've been closer, since not knowing anyone forces us to be social with one another. But money remains an issue (we still haven't sold the Michigan house and just finally listed it for rent with a property manager), though we haven't fallen into debt - we just don't have a dime to spare paying for two houses. Sex remains even bigger issue. He says he can't address the sex issue until our money issues are resolved - "take care of the basics first," he says. I say sex IS a basic in a marriage! I've tried invoking 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, but he just ignored that, says it doesn't really apply in our situation. Huh???

Here's any example of how things go: I put the kids to bed, crawling in with boy to cuddle him to sleep because he had a rough day. Spousehole stays up to "play on the internet" (i.e., surf porn). After 30 minutes boy is asleep, so I go to my room, noting that Spousehole is still on the computer, quickly turning off the monitor when I come out of boy's room so I won't know he's looking at porn (because yeah, I'm that stupid). Instead of going to bed, I go in my bathroom and brush my teeth, comb my hair, and otherwise "freshen up." I go to the living room and Spousehole quickly shuts off the monitor and pulls his hand out of his sweatpants. I sit down next to him and make it very clear that I am interested in helping him out with the "situation" in his pants. We cuddle a bit, I kiss his neck some, and after a few minutes, he asks if I want to go to our room. We do and he promptly goes to sleep. WTF?? The next morning I tell him that he really hurt my feelings and he says that he just wasn't in the mood. A: why not tell me that at the time? and B: so why the erection if he "wasn't in the mood?" I thought generally that an erection indicated that one was in the right mood. I guess, since he wouldn't talk any more, that he was in the mood for sexual activity, just not with me. Great. That makes me feel SO much better. That'll help with the depression.

Facebook

Then there's the Facebook thing. Yes, even I have fallen into the Facebook fad. I have two profiles - one under my real name and one under my blog name. I spent 99% of my time on my real profile, so y'all probably don't see me on there much. If you would want to be my "Facebook friend" under my real name, email me and I'll add you if I know you well enough to trust that you won't "out" me, since my husband is also my Facebook friend. I'm going to delete my profile under my blog name since I never use it, so if you are my "facebook friend" under randirabbit you'll be getting a "friend request" under my real name. Confusing enough?

My health

Turns out if you ignore your health, it really will go away! Not the problems, the health itself. I've been playing fast and loose with my diabetes since the move; not sure why. Depression is part of that too, I suppose, and getting out of my long-established routine. I've been eating poorly and not tracking my carb intake. I've been taking my insulin, but blindly - that is, not taking regular blood sugar readings and just going with a base level of regular and nph insulins. In fact, my electronic logbook built into my meter showed that I didn't take a reading from late September until January of this year. Turns out that while I was ignoring my blood glucose levels, they were climbing. High. Very high, even. Averaging over 500. That's what's known in the diabetes world as a serious fuck-up. A kidney-threatening, blindness-threatening fuck-up. So getting my bg back under control has been a major project. My kidneys seem to have come through okay, but my vision has been affected. Fortunately it isn't retinal damage, just blurriness from glucose in my aqueous humor (eyeball fluid). That can take a while to go away, even after the blood glucose is back in control. So I'm bouncing along with my blurry vision and trying to get myself half-way healthy again. And still trying to find the right doctor down here to help me get there. Argh.

So, without further adieu (or whining . . . ), here are some lols:



see more Lolcats and funny pictures


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