Food Is Not A Bad Thing

Have you ever stood by and watched someone die and not done a damn thing to stop it?

I have. It makes you feel like shit. I won't do that again.

A bloggy friend is having some food issues. Not wanting to eat, enjoying that floaty feeling you get when you've gone a few days without food. I know that feeling. I enjoyed it for a while when I was in high school. I got down to 78 pounds at 5'2" tall. In my case it wasn't a plan to try to not eat and lose weight. I just didn't really think about food in the midst of my depression. Eating was not a priority. I got past it, but some people don't.

Let me tell you about Mary.

Mary lived 2 houses up from me, in a house her father inherited from his parents. Mary was a mother of two adult children, divorced from an abusive husband. She cut hair for a living, but was really an artist. She enjoyed creating art in many ways - painting, mixed-media sculptures, crafts, etc. She was a talented, funny woman.

Mary starved to death two years ago while our whole neighborhood looked on.

When we first moved in, Mary was a healthy, vibrant woman. Pretty, active, gregarious, and physically healthy. Thin, but not too thin. Healthy. That changed. About a year and a half before her death, Mary started getting thinner. She got too thin very quickly. Her face looked like a skull with skin hanging off. You could see her hip bones jutting through her pants. Her formerly beautiful skin took on an ashy color. She looked like hell.

We talked about it in the neighborhood. We all knew Mary as a neighbor, but not as a real friend. None of us felt close enough to her to ask what was going on. We would say "Hi Mary, how are you feeling?" or "Are you okay? Is there anything you need?" hoping she would tell us what was going on and take us up on our offers to help. She was always bright and cheery and would tell us that everything was fine, no she didn't need anything. In fact, she took care of an elderly neighbor, taking her shopping and picking up her prescriptions.

She stopped going to work. We weren't sure what was up with that, but didn't want to pry. And she got even thinner. We got more bold about her weight loss, various neighbors telling her that she didn't really look well and that we were concerned about her. Asking if she had seen her doctor recently and discussed how thin she was. A couple of us started buying Ensure and putting it on her porch, anonymously. We figured she was sick, cancer maybe, and just didn't want to tell us. We were concerned that since she wasn't working she couldn't afford much and we thought the Ensure would maybe help her gain some weight back.

We invited Mary to dinner and backyard barbecues. She always declined with a smile. And she got so thin that she was frightening to look at. Although she was only 52, she looked like she was in her eighties. It was heart-breaking.

One summer day I was outside with my baby and my son when Mary's daughter and son-in-law pulled into her driveway. I had lived here for 7 years and had never seen them before. They tried the front and back doors. The son-in-law came running over to ask if I knew if any neighbors had a key to Mary's house. I said I did not and asked the only neighbor who might, the elderly lady who Mary helped. She didn't have a key. I asked the son-in-law if something was wrong, since he looked shaken. He guided me away from his children and mine and said "I can see her laying on the kitchen floor. It doesn't look good." We called 911. Firefighters broke in the back door, but Mary had been dead many hours at that point.

The autopsy showed that Mary's heart gave out due to an extreme electrolyte imbalance as a result of anorexia. Her organs had been starting to shut down as well. One of Mary's sisters told me more about the situation. Apparently Mary had battled anorexia previously and had overcome it through in-patient care. This time she pulled away from her family to try to avoid being forced to seek treatment. Her daughter knew that the anorexia was back and tried to get her mother help. Mary refused. The daughter didn't want to deal with her mother's "drama" and they became estranged. Mary's seven siblings all asked her to at least go to an outpatient counselor and she pushed them away too. Mary had lost her job because she got so thin that she frightened the clients at the salon. She was also so weak that she couldn't stand long enough to complete a hair cut.

Mary's sister said that she didn't think Mary would have accepted help from anyone, including her neighbors. That didn't help our feelings of guilt. We still talk about Mary, about how we could have done more, SHOULD have done more. We know intellectually that Mary's family couldn't even get her to take care of herself and that we as neighbors would likely not have fared any better. It doesn't make us feel any better.

We stood by and watched a woman die.

Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous
Something Fishy
Eating Disorders Anonymous