Is it a sex blog? A mommy blog? A bitch & moan blog? Um, . . . yeah. This is my place to be totally honest. In my real life, I feel like I'm always lying to somebody about something. Here, I am totally honest. Brutally so. However, no matter what bad things I say about my kids, I adore them and would never ever really, say, sell them on Ebay. The husband, often referred to as Spousehole, is another story. Oh yeah - if you are under 18 (or if you are my husband), please leave now.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Truth or Dare!


During sex, you must use either the term "Love Muscle" or "Love Tunnel" depending on gender and context.

Since I have only done "truth" questions so far, I thought this is the week I would take up a Dare. Well, I did this - used both terms, in fact. But I was alone, so it really wasn't that interesting.

Moving on . . .


Tell us about the farthest you've ever travelled for sex? And why?

The distance was about 800 miles; why? To get laid, of course! Duh!

My college boyfriend was from another state and I traveled to his home state to visit him (and get laid) on school breaks, since I was a nice girl who didn't cheat on her boyfriend and it had been six weeks or so. (Oh, those were the days! It's been more than a year now with the hub, a couple months with anyone else.) I traveled to visit my boyfriend summer of 1987 and 1988, early summer 1989, and then about every six weeks or so through the summer of 1990. I started law school that fall and he moved closer to me for grad school, so then neither of us had to travel so far.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

TMI Tuesday

1. What lines have you used to let someone down gently?

It's not you, it's me.
I'm just not in the right place for this right now.
You deserve more than I can give you.

2. If I gave you $10K to waste, what would you buy?

Drugs! Okay, not really. I would take my family to Disney World for a few days. That's all that $10k will last there.

3. If I gave you $10K, but you had to spend it all on someone else, what would you buy?

A better car for my mom. (She can afford one, she just won't actually go out and buy one. She's a pain in the ass that way. Would rather bitch about the one has she has than go get another one.)

4. If your partner brought a double dildo to bed, you'd be ____________?

Excited beyond belief and full of ideas of things to do.

5. What sounds do you make during sex?

Moans, sighs, grunts, giggles, squeals, dirty talk - you name a sound, I've probably made it. But I can be totally quiet too, if the situation requires.

Bonus (as in optional): Tell your worst break up story.

First, refer to last week's truth or dare answer - the second episode involving my then-boyfriend E. As you might imagine, E was a bit bewildered and somewhat peeved the next morning. I explained to him that I had planned to break up with him, but that wasn't exactly how I planned to do it. Oops. He was upset, but seemed okay with it. I didn't think much about it for the next week or so. Then the letters started. Weird letters, arriving every day, sometimes more than one a day. Some written on fast-food bags, some on regular paper, some were cards, including a sympathy card offering condolences on my impending death. In some of the letters he claimed to love me, in others he declared his intense hatred for me and his goal to see me suffer for hurting him. He sent letters describing in excrutiating detail how he would torture and dismember me alive. He harassed my parents, including driving a truck with a plow to their house and using it to move all the gravel from the lower part of their driveway into the road, creating a 2.5 foot high pile all the way across the road obstructing traffic. (My parents had the lower part of the driveway paved soon after, so that was never a problem again.) He began showing up at bars in my college town on the weekends (2 hours from his home, 3 hours from his college) and he would follow me if I left and went somewhere else. Then he started showing up during the week too, when he should have been at his own school. All the while, the strange and threatening letters continued, along with bizarre phone calls in the middle of the night. Eventually legal and mental health authorities became involved and he was prohibited from contact with me or my family. Things were quiet for two years, then I learned that he actually transferred to my university and was taking several of the same classes I was taking. I started getting letters describing what I wore each day in class, where I sat, where I went after class, who I talked to in and outside of those classes, etc. The letters were typed and unsigned, but I recognized the style. He was allowed to stay at the university, but had to attend therapy sessions, stay away from me, and an academic counselor would walk him through registration each term (we physically registered in a big pool using punch cards, way back when) and ensure that he did not register for classes in which I was already enrolled. If he enrolled before me, I could find out if he had registered for a class to either avoid it or have him bumped if I needed the class to graduate since I was a senior, he transferred in as a sophmore. (I never exercised the latter option.) Fortunately, he had not been allowed to enroll in my residential college within the larger university, so he couldn't take classes in my major.

There was also the guy that I dumped in a public and cruel way (he really, really deserved it) and 6 months later he violently raped me. But I don't want to get into those details right now. Within 2 years he was dead and I was not exactly sad to hear the news.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Memorial Day & Mute Monday - Courage

(Click each pic to learn more)


Saturday, May 24, 2008

Friday, May 23, 2008

I'm Alive, But Not Kicking (Being Kicked . . . )

You've probably been wondering if I just fell off the face of the earth - no HNT two weeks in a row! I've just been hella busy. There's the cleaning (decluttering, packing, and actual cleaning) and home improvement projects, landscape improvements, and kid-wrangling. I'm tired. Very, very tired.

This is most mornings at my house:

Hurry Up!  The bus is here!
see more crazy cat pics

Wednesday it got worse after that. Actually he went to the bus okay, but once on the bus, Boy had a total freaking meltdown. Kicking, hitting, twisting himself into a pretzel, trying to bite (which is kind of amusing, since he lost his two front teeth). He kicked me in the sternum, knocking the breath right out of me. When I left him on the bus, he was screaming, but his harness was clipped in and it seemed like he would calm down once he left our street. That's his usual M.O. when he has a fit.

Not this time. He banged his head on the bus window frame all the way to school, unclipped his harness (four clips and a seat belt), and was just agitated and upset all the way to school. Once at school, he got off the bus and banged his head on the sidewalk. After he sat for 30 minutes in the bean bag chair in the classroom with a cold pack on his head, he had a great day of school. Cooperative, compliant, and happy. Go figure. But now he has a nasty set of bruises and scrapes on his forehead. Lines from the window frame on the bus, scrapes from the cement sidewalk. I was going to get his hair cut yesterday, but decided against it until the injuries are less visible. At least his longish hair covers them right now.

Then Thursday he went on the bus just as easy as could be, helped clip his harness to the seat, and was a happy camper. I'm not sure what will happen today. So far he ate his breakfast like a champ (after throwing up all over MY bed last night, he must have been hungry!), but doesn't want to wear underwear or pants. That's part of the joys of having a totally unpredictable autistic child.

Postscript: I got him to wear pants, but he didn't want to get on the bus. He said "Ride car today, please." I'm such a sucker, I relented. But then he didn't want to get in the car, took off his seatbelt and climbed into the wayback of the minivan, and cried at school to try to get me to take him home. No dice. I left him there, crying his eyes out. I feel so awful when I do that, but they tell me he calms down as soon as I'm gone 95% of the time.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Truth or Dare!

Have you ever had sex with more than 1 person in a 24 hour time period (not at the same time so we're not talking about threesomes/orgies/whatever)? If so, how long ago? What prompted it?

Okay, I was once a very, very bad girl. I am not in any way, shape, or form proud of these episodes.

It was a long, long time ago . . .

I was home from college for a visit. My boyfriend, K, and I had a fight. We were hanging out at his buddy's house and K went for a drive to cool off. His best friend, B, took that opportunity to make his move and I, being stupid and angry at boyfriend, went along with it. I had mediocre sex with B and immediately felt bad about it. K came back, we made nice, and ended up in bed as well. I felt bad and later that night confessed to him that I had had sex with his best friend. Then he confessed that he picked a fight and then left for a drive so that B could make his move. They planned the whole thing! Assholes. Needless to say, I broke up with K that night. (Though I slept with him off and on for the next ten years. We have an amazing physical connection.)

About a year later . . .

My boyfriend, E, was visiting me at college (he went to a different school). I slept with him on Friday night when he arrived, but was already thinking of breaking up with E for many reasons. Saturday he got really drunk at a party we went to and made a total ass of himself. I decided to definitely break up with him, but he passed out in my dorm room before I could tell him. I returned to the party and continued flirting with A, a guy I had been flirting with for a few weeks. I was doing upside down Kamikazes ended up completely plastered and took A back to my dorm room, forgetting that E was there passed out on the couch. A and I climbed up into the loft and had sex. The next morning was somewhat awkward, as you might imagine.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

TMI Tuesday

Come play with us!

1. How many credit cards do you own? Are they paid off?

Zero. No credit cards, only debit. Our only debt is our house and one of the cars. We are trying to be responsible with our money.

2. Can you be in love with someone you don't trust?

Yes, but you can't be happy.

3. Should prostitution be legal?

Yes. It would be safer for the prostitutes and taxing it would be a source of income for the government (I know my local government could use some new revenue about now!)

4. On a scale of 1-10, how good of a lover do you think you are? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest)


5. What are three mistakes someone could make on the first date with you that would automatically make you turn down a second date with them?

A very bad thing would be to be rude to or undertip the server if we go out to eat. That is a major turn-off.

Also bad would be to chew with his mouth open or otherwise have atrocious manners. That's so disgusting!!

The absolute worst thing a date could do would be to smoke. If he pulls out a cigarette, I'm done, right then and there.

Bonus (as in optional): Tell us about your worst date ever.

It's been so long, I don't remember details. I just recall that he was rude, thought he was "all that" because he was very muscular (steroids!), dictated what movie we would go to and it was something that didn't appeal to me at all, put his hand on my thigh in the movie despite my giving off "so not attracted to you" vibes all night, and was just a real asshole in every way. Why did I go out with him to begin with? I knew him several years before when he was a sweet, nice, kind of chubby guy in my German class in high school. Boy had he changed!

Well, there was also the one where I was raped, but let's not go into that today.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Mute Monday - Different Strokes

It is still Monday, right?

The paragraph and video below are stolen straight from Christopher at Project Christopher, but I thought it fit today's theme perfectly. Thanks Chris!

Neuro-anatomist Jill Bolte Taylor had an opportunity few brain scientists would wish for: One morning, she realized she was having a massive stroke. She watched as her brain functions shut down one by one: motion, speech, memory, self-awareness. She gained priceless insight into her own work and spoke about it in the TED series of talks about Ideas Worth Sharing. This video is 18 minutes long so sit back, it is an idea worth sharing.

I'm Doing Better Today

Thank you for all the well-wishes. I am feeling much better today. I didn't realize quite how much I missed my kids. Girl was gone from Monday to yesterday and Boy left Thursday after school and returned yesterday.

I didn't get near as much done as I would have liked while they were gone, but made a little progress.

The kids are really, really missing their dad. I didn't realize quite how much until the last few days. At Boy's annual IEP meeting on Friday, I learned that he has been having crying jags at school which is something that never happened before. They said he'll just start crying out of nowhere and because of his autism he can't verbalize what is wrong. He'll just crawl into a teacher or aide's arm and cry his little eyes out. It started the week his dad left for S.C.

My MIL said Boy was really subdued while visiting them, until after he talked to his dad on the speakphone. Then he was happier and interacted with them more. He was more relaxed too. So this morning when Boy was resisting getting ready for school and just being a general pain in the ass, I called his dad so they could talk. As soon as he heard his dad's voice, he started crying. Broke my heart. Poor little fellow.

So I have a surprise for them this weekend. I found a relatively inexpensive fare and am having their dad fly up for the holiday weekend. He won't get here until Saturday night and leaves Monday late afternoon, but it's something. With any luck we'll have my husband's whole family, sibs and parents and niece, at the cottage up north so he'll get to see everyone. Monday will be just us though, for some much needed family time. The kids just miss him so much and they don't really understand why he is gone.

I might be a little glad to see him too. :-) We'll be alone Saturday night after I pick him up at the airport (we'll drive back up to the cottage Sunday morning), but stupid Aunt Scarlett (aka Auntie Flo) will most likely be visiting and mess up any chance of might have of getting my annual spousal nookie. Bitch.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Not Feeling the Love Today

Yep, I'll kick your ass right now, for very little to no reason at all.

And then I'll cry. And cry some more. An email (that wasn't even that mean or anything) made me bawl my eyes out this morning and since then I keep crying intermittently. Not just about the email, that was just the initial reason to cry. I'm feeling fat, ugly, stupid, unlovable, rejected and just plain awful. Give me a topic, I'll tell you all the bad things about myself related to that topic. It's just that kind of day. Gawd, I hate being hormonal.

Maybe it's better if I just stay away from people for a while, until I go pick up my kids this afternoon. I miss them, of course, but part of me doesn't even want to go pick them up. They deserve better than me, the world's suckiest de facto single mom. I'm not feeling fit to interact with others. Fuck.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Truth or Dare!

Truth: (I know, I did Truth last week too. It's kind of hard to do dares with kids hanging around!)

What is one thing you want your lover to do? It can be something a) he/she won't do b) hasn't ever done or c) used to do but hasn't in a while. And yes, we're talking about sex here, not doing the dishes or mowing the grass.. or doing the dishes and/or mowing the grass as foreplay... you get the idea.

We'll assume we're talking about my husband here. First of all, I would like to just have a regular, frequent sex life with him! That's often what this blog is about - me complaining about the lack of sex in my marriage (in addition to other problems). My husband and I have not had sex, have not had any sexual contact (with each other) whatsoever since May 6, 2007, more than one year ago.

For something he's never done that I really, really want him to do: oral sex, giving and receiving. He will occasionally let me suck him, but not for long and he's never come in my mouth. He claims he just doesn't enjoy it. I thought I must have totally forgotten how and was really, really hurt. But PiC has no complaints, so I'm thinking now it's him and not me. He has never, ever, not once gone down on me, despite knowing how much I want him to do so. He was brought up to believe that it is wrong and dirty and unsanitary and that nice people just don't do that. Do you know what it's like to go nearly 10 years without? It's not fun. Perhaps if I had never experienced it and didn't know what I was missing, it wouldn't be so bad. But since I DO know what I'm missing, it really bites.

TMI and it's not even Tuesday!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

TMI Tuesday

Come play with us!

1. Is there a TV show you HAVE to watch? If so, what is it?
24, when it's on. (Not until JANUARY, sob!) My family knows that you don't bother mommy during 24. I love House too, but rarely get to see it as that's when I'm putting the kids back to bed after they've gotten up - again.

2. What is you favorite drink if you are going to drink more than one?
Diet Coke. Oh, you meant alcohol? Margaritas or tequila shots.

3. How long do you carry guilt around with you?
Forfreakingever. I still feel guilt for things that happened when I was a little kid.

4. Where is or would be your number one romantic get away spot?
Mackinac Island, Michigan. Just beautiful.

5. Have you ever seen a counselor?
Duh. I'm crazier than a bedbug.

Bonus (as in optional): Last summer the Archives of Sexual Behavior the 237 reasons people have sex and the Top 50 Reasons Men and Women Have Sex. What are your top 5 reasons?

5. It's fun
4. It's fun
3. It's fun
2. It's fun
1. It's FUN!
Oh no! The people at Stuff White People Like have done a post about me! Well, they don't mention me by name or anything, but it's clearly all about me. After all, I'm a lawyer with a liberal arts degree obsessed with grammar (and punctuation) and who loves to proofread.